Part 37 - The Final Countdown!!!

     So this is it?  Really??   This is what all of the suspense and countdown was about all week?  I will answer that by simply saying yes.  Allow me to warn you all now that I am not quite certain of where this particular post is going to end up or how I am going to get there but I have decided this, this all must stop and stop now! 

     I guess I should explain a bit about what has been going on in my head over the past few months.  Even though I have tried several times and I have tried to find different methods to find more success I have failed in every attempt.  I have met with some limited success but I recently went back through my posts and I found myself discouraged and disgusted.  I saw all of the success that I had worked so hard for just pissed away by my own selfishness. 

     I sit back and take a good look at who I am and was and who I want to be and I see only this, I hate who I was, I detest  who I am, and as for who I want to be, I see only hopelessness.  I find my words hollow and hypocritical.  I find myself dumbfounded by the fact that I was able to write some of the things that I wrote and that I was able to convince myself that I believed in the positivity of those messages.  Sure, yeah, I believed in them, right up to the point that I would stuff some grotesquely unhealthy food in my face.  Why would I do such a thing?  I don’t have an answer.  What do you want me to say?  I like eating, plain and simple.  I like the flavors and textures.  Sometimes it is just because I am bored and the whole ritual of eating is all I need to break the boredom.   There are times that, to put it bluntly, I am a mindless eating machine.  I have no real concern for others or their feelings.  All I ever am concerned with is what the next thing is that I can cram into my open maw. 

     As I have mentioned before, I have dealt with some deep-seated depression for most of my life.  I understand that by telling you all this I am not breaking any new ground but I am not sure that I have ever conveyed to you all effectively just how bad my depression is.  I have never fully exposed the true torture chamber that is in my own mind.  I have never before truly exposed the raw nerve of my soul so that everybody else could appreciate my pain, my suffering.

     So allow me to show you one of the greatest truths I have come to realize and accept throughout my journey…I am not going to die, I AM DEAD ALREADY!  I am in a battle that I cannot win, nor do I want to anymore.  This monster, this killer has already devastated my life by taking my mother and leaving me with a hole in my very soul, a hole so large that it hemorrhages all of my hopes and dreams.  A hole that I pray every day allows the very life force to seep from me and will carry me off into the darkness where there is no more pain or suffering. 

     As much as I hope for the end to come to me, I am equally terrified of finally closing my eyes for the very last time.  I have tried to be a man of faith but I am also a man of logic and I find it extremely hard to believe in something I cannot prove.  I am terrified that perhaps I am right in thinking when the last breath leaves my foul corpse that is it, just nothingness.  I am terrified that perhaps my mother has suffered such a similar fate and she also is no more.  I am angry that for some reason my life has been chosen to be a life of suffering and failure.  So angry, in fact, that at times I wished I could hold the world in my hands and crush it into dust so that everyone could feel the pain and suffering that goes on in my mind. 

     I have found myself bitter and angry at those that find success and happiness in this life.  Those that have someone special that knows them so well that they can communicate without words.  I am enraged that so many people that don’t appreciate what they have can simply overlook how special holding a hand or an embrace truly is.  I am enraged that they have something that they do not deserve and I have spent 39 years on this filthy rock never having experienced a love of that level being returned to me.  I HATE THEM FOR IT!!

     I am a failure at everything I put my hand to.  I find that as I get older and fatter that I am less and less successful at all of the things that I attempt.  So, do the math, not only am I a failure but I have managed to become better at failing just by stuffing wretched food into my dumb face! 

     I have come to accept that I am also a burden to everyone around me.  I need to have special accommodations made for me at every turn, special chairs at work, home, doctor’s office, etc.  I have to customize my seat in my car and I have had to go as far as getting a specialized toilet to handle my immense girth!  Here’s one for you all, have a good chuckle at my expense.  I have to use baby powder by the case just to avoid being “the smelly fat guy” in public.  Yeah, that’s not too detrimental to myself esteem that there is literally powder that gets over anything and everything that I am around but hey, I don’t stink.  I guess the embarrassment was all worth it right?

     So there you all have it.  This is exactly where my head has been for the past few months.  Not a pretty place to be but that is one of the only ways I know how to explain the living nightmare I go through every second of every day.  As I said, I have come to a decision, THIS ALL MUST STOP AND STOP NOW!!!  I came to this decision by using a highly complicated, scientific tool, Facebook.  Now, there are but two questions to be answered…what method should I use to stop all of this and what exactly is “all of this”?

     Let’s address my highly complicated, scientific tool first shall we?  I was in one of my mindless funks and I was bouncing around Facebook wallowing in my own pathetic stench and self-hate when my Facebook compass spun around and pointed me in the direction I needed to return to.  I found a simple statement posted by a person that I highly respect that seemed out of place but it would prove to be just what I needed.  This is what it said…

FACEBOOKER 1 - I heard the devil's voice today......

     This is the bit that seemed out of place to me because this man is truly a man of God.  The following statements where a wakeup call for me.

FACEBOOKER 2 - What did he say?

Wait for it….here is the big AH HA!

FACEBOOKER 1 - what he said does not matter because they are all lies. "If God is for us then who can be against us". Romans 8:31

     There it is, plain as day.  Three simply comments that took three months of anger, depression, hopelessness, hatred, and self-loathing and forced it away like a light bulb forces the darkness away.  I AM A MAN OF FAITH!  I had just started listening to the lies of the enemy and believed that they all were of my own making.  I have a God that loves me and even if I don’t know what exactly His plan for me is, I know that He has one.  I know that I WILL see my mother again one day and though I miss her every day, this too was done in God’s time and was a part of His plan.  I know she isn’t suffering anymore and I know that even though she had her own issues, she and I have had long conversations and she did indeed know the Lord and tried to live her life as a good person. 

     I will not say that the feelings of depression will go away but I will say that I can better see them now as the lies that they are.  I still have issues with my weight and many of the other things that I mentioned but I did succeed once and I will do so again.  I am surrounded by people that love me and support me.  As far as all of that other love stuff goes, perhaps I will find it perhaps I won’t but it is in God’s time and His plan. 

     I know that this may all sound silly or like a load hogwash but I am excited to be writhing again.  I found that I was no longer enjoying writing my blog.  Perhaps, it was the depression or the fact I was not doing well losing weight but I am once again excited.  As for the countdown this past week, that was just something fun to get your attention.  Perhaps you saw it or perhaps not but I can tell you that several people were dying to know what it was all about.  This is it.  As of 7:00 PM on Sunday, October 11, 2014 I have put a stop to all of the lies that I had believed and I am once again walking in the truth of God’s plan for me.  I am 638 lbs. and I am embracing what I know and the love and support from those around me to once again start bringing this number down. 

     For the first time in a long while I can say I feel happy and I am encouraged.  I will once again invite you all to join me but if you choose not to, I know this; I am not on this journey alone, because I walk with my Lord and Savior.  Next post I will address the things that have been enablers in my path and I will update you all where I stand.  I know this has been an up and down road but I want to truly thank you all for walking it with me.  Much love from the Fat Guy and God bless you all!  To be continued…

Part 36 - Man Up And Follow Through!!

     Hello, and welcome to Part 36 of The Rendering...Man Up And Follow Through!!  Now normally each week or whenever I post for that matter, I like to talk about my weight loss journey and how it affects my life.  I am going to do that this week but I am going to cover some other things on my mind first.  I am not going to post a weight today because my last posting was so recent.  I know that I was up 2 lbs. at this week's Weight Watchers meeting but I am working on losing that ASAP.  I have been finding it harder to track everything that I eat this time around but I know that is something that I need to own.  I know that actions speak louder than words and I need to prove myself with my actions.
     So, what else has been on my mind this week?   I have a dear friend, Veronica Diamond, who was nice enough to nominate me for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  When I saw this I wasn't quite sure how to react or how I felt about it.  To be honest, I found myself a bit confused, annoyed, and a little honored.  Allow me to explain a little.  I knew that ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease as it is known was just that, a disease, but I didn't really know much more about it.  So what is ALS exactly?  Here is what I learned...

    

     Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as "Lou Gehrig's Disease," is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually leads to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed.

     That there is the actual definition taken straight from the ALS Association's website.  I mention this for one reason; I have heard both good and bad things about this ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  One common thing that I have seen was a questioning of the rules for this challenge.  Some rules say that if you are nominated you either donate $100 to ALS or you dump a bucket of ice water over your head.  The other set of rules states that if you are nominated you have a choice, donate $100 to ALS or donate $10 to ALS and dump a bucket of ice water over your head.  So, here is my issue, and there are a few.  Raising money to help out with research and what not for ALS is a great cause so I can't see why, if you choose to participate in the challenge, you can't donate at least $10.  Now, some people take issue with being nominated because they feel like they are obligated to donate.  No, not at all, I don't feel that anybody should be obligated to give to a certain cause or any cause for that matter.  In fact, if you don't want to participate then don't.  You won't look like a schmuck.  Nor should you feel obligated to donate to ALS.  If you want to be a part of this I am sure it will work for any worthy cause that you see fit.  I have heard arguments from people trying to defend the first set of rules that allows you to just take the bucket of ice water without donating because they say it "draws awareness to ALS".  Fine, I see that point but honestly, that is the reason I posted the definition for what ALS is.  You see, I was aware of ALS already and when I wanted to know more about what it was I turned to my old friend Google.  However, even though I am now not only aware but educated about ALS, my phenomenal use of Google really didn't do much to help ALS or any other charitable cause. 
     So here is what I decided to do, I ACCEPTED MY NOMINATION WITH PRIDE!!

      As you can see from the video, I took my bucket.  Mind you, this was no 50 gallon drum challenge but I did use a 5 gallon bucket of water and apparently some gravel thank you very much.  To this bucket we added two large bags of ice, REAL ICE, as there are some that think cold water is sufficient, BTW IT'S NOT, and let it soak for about 10 minutes to get nice and frosty.  I even added in a little fun and intrigue by having a masked man wearing San Francisco 49's gear do the pouring of what was a numbingly cold dousing.  Most importantly, before I did any of this I made my donation to ALS.
     I am not saying this to brag but to explain the part where I said I felt honored.  Even though I was only able to donate a small amount I was honored that somebody thought of me as a choice to help out a good cause and rather than just doing the water challenge to "be part of the crowd", I was actually able to do something to help. 
     Ok, let me recap, confused about the rules, annoyed by the, as they say, slacktivism (which by the way is a GREAT word), and honored by the fact that somebody thought highly enough about me to choose me to help out a great cause.  So I will end my discussion about this whole ALS Ice Bucket Challenge deal with this, I challenge every single person that reads this!
     No, in fact I do not challenge you to the Ice Bucket Challenge because I have already made my nominations.  I challenge you all to follow your hearts on this.  If you are indeed feeling charitable there are any number of causes that need our support. ALS, MS, Cystic Fibrosis, Sickle Cell, or any other need that, either, isn't being met or needs help in any way possible.  You may disagree, but in some way every little penny counts no matter how cliche that sounds.  If you are not led to be charitable that is fine too.  How does that old saying go?  Charity begins at home.  So if you are able and led to then by all means do but if not then don't.  My challenge is simple...try.
     I was asked by somebody this exact quote, "and this does, or proves or accomplishes what?" referencing my video of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  I think that I have answered that above but there are a few other benefits that came about for me from doing this.  I had some good laughs and good memories with some people I consider family and as I told you in my last post, I will always choose the adventure!  I must admit that even though this was for charity and I did have fun doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge it personally accomplished something for me.  Yep folks, time to bring this all back around to my epic journey that I have been traveling on and documenting through this blog.  The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has shown me that in part, I am a practitioner of SLACKTIVISIM in regards to my weight loss.  

Slacktivism is a portmanteau of the words slacker and activism. The word is usually considered a pejorative term that describes "feel-good" measures, in support of an issue or social cause, that have little or no practical effect other than to make the person doing it take satisfaction from the feeling they have contributed. The acts tend to require minimal personal effort from the slacktivist.
     
     It hurts to realize that I am not doing ALL that I could be doing to lose this weight that is killing me.  I go to my Weight Watchers to make myself feel good and I write this blog to gain even more encouragement but then I allow myself to slip and eat things that I know I shouldn't.  Ever since I returned to my Weight Watchers meeting and started again at writing the blog I have been struggling.  I know that my environment hasn't been the best.  There are always desserts and what not around here and to a point it almost seems like sabotage but that is just another excuse to not give my all.  My father and sister are not trying to sabotage my progress and it is not fair for me to expect them to not have these treats around. 
     I now find myself with more money due to working a much more regular schedule and lots of OT.  This means I am eating out more often again.  If good old Craig Shinkle orders lunch at work that doesn't mean I have to.  Doing this challenge and experiencing all of the things that I did I must now MAN UP AND FOLLOW THROUGH!!  I am doing an OK job but I can do better!  If I can take 5 gallons of ice water I can do this!
     I know this week's post wasn't as colorful as normal but this is what was on my mind.  I want to thank you all for the support and I hope in one way or another you all find some way to meet my challenge and help out.  I love you all and may God bless you all throughout your week.  To be continued...

Part 35 - Let's Talk Turkey

-DISCLAIMER-

      The following post was written a few weeks ago but never finished due to some computer issues.  I apologize for the delay but I am still going to post this one.  I have since remedied the computer issue and I have also added a laptop to my box of tricks so that I now have a backup to avoid further computer issues, knock on wood.  I cannot thank my friend Aaron enough for donating his old laptop to me, it really means a lot.  Without further delay I give you Part 35 - Let's Talk Turkey.
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     Well hello there.  I am glad that you have chosen to read this week's post.  Whether you are a returning reader or brand new to The Rendering, I say welcome.  This week will be a little different because I am just shooting the breeze so to speak.  Normally, I find a topic or a direction to aim for in each week's post and I try to stick to that.  I am abandoning any general direction this week so let's just talk some turkey!

     Well, with that being said, I guess that I will start by saying that, as I said I would, I have made my return to my Weight Watchers family.  I truly am encouraged and very happy to be able to say that.  Not only have I returned but so has somebody very special to me and we are going to whup some ass this time around!  In my last post I gave you all my current update on where I stood with my weight.  I told you that I was at 626 lbs. but I may have spoken a bit out of turn.  The weight pic that I posted in my last post was actually about 2 weeks old and taken just after a fun week long battle with a cellulitis infection.  I have taken the most recent weight so that I would have an accurate starting point and here it is.

     So in an effort to be as open and honest as I can be, I give you my actual weight.  I am only 6 lbs. heavier than I previously reported but it is still 6 lbs. more than I want.

-UPDATE-

AS OF THE FINISHING OF THIS POST, 8/20/14 MY NEW WEIGHT IS...

 MAKING PROGRESS!  

     This week's Weight Watchers meeting had a simple theme that I figured was a great message for me to hear given my goal to get back on track.  We talked about making small changes that would help us to reach our goals.  I know I have talked about taking baby steps before so I guess now it is time to fall back on what I already know.  I think that one of the small changes that I am going to make is to wean myself off of creamer in my coffee.  It may take me a bit because I don't care for black coffee too much but if I force myself I believe that I will develop a taste for it.  Not only will this save me a few points and calories each day but I think that it will help me to discover some underlying flavor notes in the coffee that I drink.  Tasting it stripped down and natural may make me appreciate it even more.  Of course, this means that I will need to phase out the artificial sweetener too if I want the true experience of the coffee but heck, that crap is bad for you anyway.  

     So what else has happened this past week.  Well actually, the past three weeks.  I know that I said I was back to writing this blog and I am indeed but there may be a week or two that I miss a post but please allow me to explain.  As I have previously said, I was able to find myself a new job after my old employer announced a major layoff.  I now work for Xerox and even though there are some bumps that we are working on smoothing out I really do like this company.  I am basically doing the same work that I was doing at my old job but I am encouraged to see the new direction and what lies ahead for this new company.  As with many new companies, there is a high demand for extra hours and that means long days and longer weeks.  In order to try to avoid working 12 hour days anymore we have gone to working 6 days a week, Monday through Saturday and occasionally Sundays.  The fact that I now have to work Saturdays puts a lot of pressure on me to get what I can get done in the few hours of free time that I actually have.  It may not seem so, but this blog can take me quite some time to actually write.  I just don't sit down and spit out meaningless drivel.  I put a lot of thought into what I write.  Last weekend I had a choice to make, I could sit down and write or I could pursue an adventure.  This blog is very important to me but there are a few things that are more important.  One of the most important things in my life is my family and getting to spend some quality time with them.  Losing my mother in 2013 has really made me try to appreciate the very short time we have with those that we love and I want to take advantage of every opportunity to go on adventures and make memories with them whenever I can.  So what was the adventure that I chose to embark upon rather than writing a post last week?  I went after the great white whale!  Well, not exactly...

      It wasn't exactly a "white whale" but it was a nice sized bullhead.  I spent my day fishing with my father, niece, and nephew and this was one of our many catches along with several sun fish, blue gill, and some very nice bass.  Even though I did not get to write my blog last week, I would not have traded the laughs, smiles, and memories of that great day for anything in the world.  So with that being said I hope you all understand that sometimes I am going to choose the adventure over the blog and that is where the bear craps in the woods as they say. 

     Now let me tell you a story that I heard this week (or a few weeks ago at this point) that made me chuckle.  I will not include names because this is not my story but the part that made me chuckle was a bit dark because I was thinking of how I would have handled it.  I will warn you all right now, this thought of how I would handle this situation certainly isn't the mature adult way to handle it but it made me laugh.  I don't want to get the details of the story wrong so I will just paraphrase.  Basically, the storyteller has lost a good deal of weight and in the process of life, like ya do, they were spending time with a young child.  Now for any person who has spent any amount of time around children you will all know, I am sure, children can be brutally honest.  Some people find this offensive but as a fat guy which, by the way will ALWAYS draw the attention of a child, I find the innocent honesty refreshing.  For those that have not had the opportunity to experience a massive weight loss or known somebody who has here is a little fact, the weight may melt away but the skin, well, it gets a bit flabby and wiggly.  So what is a small child to do when they notice a bit of extra wiggly arm skin?  Play with it of course!  Now let it be known that the storyteller handled this in a manner that I am sure is much more appropriate than I would have but here, after some thought, is how I would have handled it.  I would invite the child to a movie night, possibly at the Hargus's, and we would watch The Beastmaster.  This is a fine film from 1982.  Those of you who are familiar with this movie might see where I am headed but for those who are not let me shed some light on my darkness.   

     This fine fellow being held at sword point by the Beastmaster is known as a Winged Devourer or Vore.  Take notice of his or hers, not really too sure, arms.  Perhaps a wing?  Perhaps just a bit of flabby, wiggly skin due to weight loss?  Either way it is what this creature does with his flaps that counts.  As you may have guessed from the name, they use these flaps to devour humans.  Yes, DEVOUR HUMANS!  Let's see if a little child wants to play with somebody's arm flaps after watching this.  I told you that is was a bit dark but it made me laugh all the same.  
     I will leave you with that thought for this week and I will do my best to get a new post out this Sunday.  As always, thank you all for the support and I look forward to reading your comments.  God bless you all.  To be continued... 

Part 34 - Out of the Rubble....We Can Rebuild Him!!!

     Yeah it hurt!  What would you expect?  I stood upon a mountain, a mountain that I built with my own two hands.  Momentum is a great tool to have but it can also be the key to watching your empire crumble before you.  I was the Juggernaut bitch!

      Do you know what the problem with being a juggernaut full of momentum is?  You plow forward, up and up the mountain with your eyes only fixed on the top.  You don't pay attention to the destruction you leave in your wake.  You never give a thought to how your actions may be weakening the very foundation of the mountain you scratch and claw at to climb.  I went into this battle headstrong and full of vigor and I was successful.  Along with success came confidence and even a bit of arrogance, dare I say.

     Anybody that has ever ridden a bicycle can relate to this imagery.  As we all know, it took a little while to master riding a bike but once you could you had to see what you could do.  Most of us would eventually find ourselves in a place where we would be riding at a good speed.  One that we thought we could handle but perhaps, it was a bit ambitious for our skill set.  Well, what would happen?  That front wheel would catch a slight wobble.  Now, that wobble wouldn't be a travesty but it would give you a little scare but hey, you could handle this, you were a master bicyclist right?  So you correct or more accurately over-correct and that is where the real problems started.  

     I too was trying to continue my journey with methods and techniques that were beyond what I was ready for and it happened.  My wheel wobbled.  My pride would not allow me to reach out for help, as perhaps I should have.  I tried to correct with lies and excuses.  I could side step with the best of them but even the most powerful war machine can fall victim to a wobble in the wheel.

    In the end, no matter how much momentum or success you have the wobble will take you down and leave you looking at a smoking, fiery disaster.  Once you fall, if your foundation is weak, it too will come crashing down around you.  So I say again...yeah it hurt!

     I heard this quote from Winston Churchill this week while watching the Dr. Phil show.  Yeah, yeah, it was on and I liked it...lol.  This spoke to me as a lesson and an encouragement.  Success is not final.  I need to keep that in mind and use it to keep my head grounded.  Even though I have found and will find success before and again, I can't stop striving for more.  Don't aim for the mountain top aim far beyond.  Failure is not fatal.  Literally, for me, if I do fail at this it will be fatal but I have to see this as the encouragement it is.  If I fail, I am not going to instantly drop dead.  I can go again.  I must find the courage to keep trying.  That is what counts.

     Most of you that know me will know that I am a huge fan of comic books.  Go figure, a fat guy that lives with his parents likes comic books, not too stereotypical huh?  Anyway, of all of the superheros in comic book literature, Wolverine is now and has always been my favorite.  I relate with him in some way in my head.  Of all of his attributes I admire, the fact that no matter how badly he is hurt he keeps coming.  He has a "healing factor" that allows him to sustain horrendous injuries and yet still survive.  I like to think that I have to keep that mindset that no matter how many times I am hurt in my journey to better health either by the actions of others or poor choices of my own I WILL keep coming.  So there it is, the smoke is clearing and I'm still standing.  I am hurt, broken, bruised, and worse for wear but I am smarter now and more experienced.  I will heal and to steal a line from a great show from the seventies, "Gentleman, we can rebuild him!"

     This is where we start.  I know I have been away from the game for a few months so here is where I currently stand as far as my weight.  I know that I had all sorts of plans for walking 365 miles in as many days and doing a 5k by the end of the year but I have to wipe that slate clean.  This is a new beginning.  I am proud to also announce that since my last post I have found a new job and I will, I repeat WILL be returning to my Weight Watchers family and meetings.  They meant so much to me and in the end I let my pride push me away from them.  NO LONGER!!  With that being said I am going to close this post by saying this, if you are still with me thank you for supporting me in both my highs and my lows and if you no longer want to deal with my "shenanigans" so be it.  I can't blame anybody for losing faith in me but at the same time I can't focus on them either.  I can't let negativity anchor me anymore.  Peace, love, and blessings to all.  To be continued...

 

 

 

Part 33 - Making Hard Choices

     Hello and welcome to the latest edition of my blog, The Rendering.  This is Part 33 - Making Hard Choices.  I will get to an explanation for this week's title all in good time but I think I will start with April's weigh-in.  As you know, if you have been following my journey, have decided to change up a few things and only weigh-in at the beginning of each month.  I am doing this so that I am no longer obsessing over a number on a scale.  I found that this was a huge source of stress so I want to go back to a method that has been proven to work for me in the past.  So here is the first of my monthly weigh-ins...

      So there it is, April's weight.  I started this month 4 lbs. lighter than the last time I posted a weigh-in.  I am happy with the 4 lbs. because a loss is a loss and I am now that much closer to my goal.  I have now returned to a total weight loss of 66 lbs.  I know that I was down a good deal more but that is not a fact I will dwell on.  I am slowly gaining ground and I am keeping my eye on the prize.  
     I feel like I owe you all and explanation as to why I did not have a post for last week.  It is a rather simple explanation as to why.  I normally post my blog on Sundays as you all can see, but I start gathering ideas and mapping out the theme and structure throughout the week.  That, however, was not the case last week.  I had to work a lot and then I had mandatory overtime on Saturday.  That chewed up a lot of my time that I would normally spend on the blog.  When Sunday rolled around, if I am being totally honest, I knew that day was going to be a complete bust as far as writing was concerned.  This past Sunday I had church in the morning and I didn't want to miss that, then directly after church I hit the road to my God-children's house.  Yes indeed folks, last Sunday after  church belonged to...

      Now before you judge me for liking the male-based soap opera that is professional wrestling please take a look at what your own guilty pleasures are.  We all like something that others would judge us for so why judge?  I have been a fan of professional wrestling since 1985 and I have watched pretty much every single mania since so I am sorry that I didn't get a blog posted but  I am not going to give up a chance to hang out with some of my favorite people on the planet and enjoy the showcase of the immortals!!  I was not able to get home until later the next day and I had some dental work done which took up what remaining free time I had to write.
     There, you have my explanation and if that is not good enough for some what can I say?  C'est la vie!  
     So, that leaves us with this week's current post and why I have titled it "Making Hard Choices".  I have mentioned over the past few months that I was going through some troubling times with my employment right now.  A short while ago a large number of employees where I work, including myself, were notified that the company was going to have to implement a mass layoff.  Now, the details and actual dates of when we are to be laid off have not been set in stone and there is always talk of a possible extension to the layoff but, with that being said, as the tentative date approaches we can only sit back and wait to see what will happen.  This approaching change in my life is what has forced me to make some hard choices concerning my financial status.  I am sadly announcing that after much consideration, I have decided to cancel my Weight Watchers membership.  I want all that have followed me throughout this journey, especially all of those from Weight Watchers that have been a true support system for me, to know that I am not cancelling my membership in any way, shape, or form due to any dissatisfaction with the program or anybody involved with it.  I truly do have much love in my heart for all of the wonderful people that I have met through Weight Watchers.  I could not have found the success that I have managed so far without all of their support.  I think the program itself is wonderful and is a great tool for anybody battling with weight issues.  I would encourage anybody who needs to drop some of those bothersome pounds to check it out and give it a whirl.  I have every intention of returning to the program when I am more financially stable but for now I need to focus on, for lack of a better term, trimming some of the fat or tightening my belt a little bit.  You can feel free apply whichever term you like.
     So that only leaves one question to be asked but I need a little participation from you readers here.  When you read this next question please do so in your best 1940's radio guy voice...

     WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE?!?!?!  Well, as far as my future is concerned along my weight loss journey, I don't have a crystal ball to gaze into and even if I did I must admit that I do not hold much confidence in the fortune telling abilities of some shiny doodad.  I believe more along these line...

      I will create my own path into the future and you can bet the farm that after all I have gone through on this journey so far, I will see this through to the end, Weight Watchers or not.  I have spoken with several members of my WW support group and they are still going to have my back so I will still have the support I just won't have the online tools for tracking and I won't be able to attend the meetings for now.
     I will leave it at that for this week.  Even though the path ahead may look a bit hazy, I will continue to walk my own path and I will continue to trust in God to lead me where He wants me to be.  I am surrounded by support and I have done this before so I can do this again.  Just wait and see!  Thank you all for all of the love and support and stick around, the best is yet to come.  May God bless you all in your own journeys no matter where they may lead you.  To be continued...

Part 32 - Let's Take A Ride On The Waaaaaayback Machine!!!

     Hello and as always welcome to The Rendering!!!  This week I offer you all Part 32 - Let's Take A Ride On The Waaaaaayback Machine!!!  This will be the first post of the "new plan" era, the first post with no weigh-in numbers so I offer you this for my weight report...

 

     Yep, you all, just like me, will have to wait for it until next week.  Now don't expect too much from the first weigh-in as it isn't for a whole month but I am working at it.  

      I have had a rather rough week this week and I can honestly say that I am glad it is over.  As rough as this week was however, I was able to take some knowledge and inspiration from it.  One of the biggest issues that I have had to deal with this week has been a nasty leg infection.  If you have been following my blog you will undoubtedly know that I have battled this issue of soft tissue infection for well over a decade.  Sadly, it is just another consequence of obesity.  This time it was in my calf.  It is quite common for an obese person to develop what are known as venous leg ulcers which allow bacteria in.  This was exactly my case.  So I have been battling that fun little bugger with antibiotics but it hasn't made life any easier.  I missed work, which not only makes people there upset but I also lose that money which isn't a good thing now either.  Due to my leg, I have had some downtime and I saw a show where another obese man was discussing the things that he has missed out on due to him being too large.  Between losing the work time and seeing this show I got to thinking, how many things, opportunities, and experiences have I allowed my uncontrollable addiction to steal from me?  I have always known that being fat would cost me but I have never looked at the little things most people take for granted.  Now, I am not seeking your pity but I am just trying to show you how even I have not taken notice of ALL that obesity steals from people.  

      For example, this is the entrance to Dragon Mountain.  Dragon Mountain is a roller coaster at Marineland Canada.  I have such fond memories of that when I was young.  Not only that ride in particular but so many others, log rides, bumper cars, tilt-a-whirl, all of these stolen from me!  I love carnival rides but nope, not for a fat guy.  It pisses me off that I have allowed myself to be stolen from.  

     I have lost so many other things as well.  I can't remember a time when I could walk into any clothing store and buy something off the shelf.  Even in the big and tall store I am very limited.  I used to love riding a bicycle but "fat" chance of that now.  I had to have a $2000 dollar suit specially tailored for me just so I could do the honor of being in my friends' weddings.  In the show I watched, the guy had always wanted to ride a horse.  I have no desire to ride a horse but I couldn't even if I wanted to.  Could you imagine the look on a horses face if it saw me coming?

 Awe Hell No!

     I could go on I am sure but you get the point.  These robberies were in my past and if I had a wayback machine I might be able to change this but I can't so I say let the past be the past but the future is mine!

     This week also brought a few interpersonal battles as well.  Yes, these stressed me out and I am sure that I have some responsibility to accept in these but one comment in particular really struck me.  It wasn't because it was an overly hurtful statement but more so because it was partially true.  The truth hurts indeed.  I was told that I was acting very much like a politician.  Now, to some that may seem like an odd or even complimentary statement but from this individual it was not.  I was then told that I was making statements with my words that I was not backing up with my actions.  As I pondered this statement I realized that there were several times that I was doing just that.  I was being a politician.

     To thine own self be true indeed.  Old Bill Shakespeare said it best.  I can BS everybody and I can say what I want and words can come out of my mouth, believe me I have done all of that stuff, but I have to know to myself that my motives for something are clean and good and honest.  Just like I cannot fool God by hiding my sins, no matter how hard I try I cannot lie to myself.  I am actually glad that this person called me out.  What is that old saying?  You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.  It is those people that see through my deceptions that I need to keep me honest.  That is why they are in our lives I believe.  I am not saying that I am being deceitful intentionally but part of this addiction finds ways to convince me I am doing right when I am not.  That is why I have changed my plan, to keep it fresh and new.  Someone once told me that the healthier I get, the smarter and craftier my addiction gets.  That is why I need vigilance, accountability, and faith in my life.  We all need these things to succeed.

      Last week I said faith without action is dead and this week I was reminded that this is true, faith can move mountains but don't be surprised when God hands you a shovel.  I cannot allow myself to forget ever that every morning I wake up, there is no wayback machine that will let me change my past but my future is in my hands.  Hands that my God has given to me to DO WORK!  The work will be hard and tiresome but the prize is so worth it.  

     Sure, I could sit back and say that I have lost so much throughout my life that it isn't fair for me to have to do so much just to break even.  I could whine and complain that this addiction and obesity has stolen so much from me and now it wants more which isn't fair to me.  I am sure we all have situations that we are in that we do not feel are fair to us.  

LIFE'S NOT FAIR!!! 

     If life was fair, I would be dead!  Over the course of our existence we all brush death on a daily basis and never are the wiser for it.  We go on whining and complaining when we should be thankful for all of the blessings that we do have.

      Can I get an amen?!?!  I say if you are a believer or not, take a moment to be thankful for what you do have and not so focused on what you have lost. 

     I will close this week's post with this.  We all hide our true selves and only reveal them under the guise of anonymity.  It is so much easier to be ourselves when we cannot be held accountable by those around us.  I am attempting through this blog and through my Weight Watchers meetings to rip off the mask that keeps the true me comfortable.  I want the world to see my true face no matter how much it may hurt.  By totally exposing myself I hope to be one step ahead of my addiction.  I will do my best to never step into the wayback machine in my mind and hear the voices that made me hurt so much back then.  I will only look forward and be thankful for the blessings to come.  If I speak the words I will take it upon myself to do everything in my power to honor them.  My word is my bond and the words of the past will no longer be my bonds!

     As always, thank you all for the support and please share this with all that will read it.  I look forward with great anticipation to the future and all that it holds.  God bless you all.  To be continued... 

Part 31 - Truth Or Consequences...Breaking Down My Walls

     Deja vu??  A late season rerun perhaps??  Maybe you think that I have just re-posted last week's blog to save me time or work?  The answer my friends to all of the above is...NO!

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

-Albert Einstein-

     That my good friends, is exactly what I have been doing lately.  I have been following my plan and writing this blog and trying to find different ways to share my journey with you all and then being disappointed with the minimal results.  According to Mr. Einstein, I am a bit insane.  Heck, who am I to argue with Big Al?  The truth is, contrary to the belief of some, I am actually not insane but as I look at it, I am just not applying myself as efficiently as I could be.  That changes here and now!

     Ladies and gentleman, children of all ages, and the millions and....MILLIONS...in attendance at their computers, Fat Guy Productions proudly brings to you the writings of a large man out to change the world!!  I give you Part 31 of The Rendering...Truth Or Consequences...Breaking Down My Walls!!!  Enough of this palaver, let's get the show on the road! 

     Over the past weeks I have given you the layout for my "new" plan.  I have laid it out there about my fears and facing them.  I have shown you that we all must armor ourselves heading into battle.  I have pointed out how to recognize not only the obvious demons but also the wolves in sheep's clothing.  Finally and most importantly I have shared with you all that I cannot do this alone.  That I must have complete faith in God that he will give me this victory!  Now it is time to ramp this up and hit the post!  I have the tools but no matter how many tools and how much faith I have, faith without action is dead.  No plan will ever come to fruition unless you attack!  So it begins anew!  
     I am going to be changing this up a bit but please let me explain.  For those that don't know too much about me, back in the early 2000's I was able to lose 234 lbs.  I did this by a very reduced caloric intake along with the help of a weight loss specialist and a dietary therapist.  Lastly, to help me lose that much weight I was also using a prescription appetite suppressant medicine called Phentermine.  The good news, I lost 234 lbs.  The bad news, Phentermine is dangerous!  Not only did it make me extremely aggressive but also it did some long-term damage to my heart muscles.  Sadly, after I stopped using this drug I put all the weight plus some back on.  I have battled weight loss ever since.  So why do I bring this up?  I do so because while my current course of action is showing some positive results, the results can and will be better!  I am going to tweak my routine a bit and incorporate some of the original routine with some of what I do now and then hammer it all until it fits with my "new" game plan.  
     My first big problem comes from an old enemy that I wrote about many, many months ago.

      Do you all remember this guy?  If you are new to this blog you may not, but for those that have been with me for a while now, you know this little devil to be the INFAMOUS FATYPUS!!
     May I take this moment to suggest that you read my post from August 17, 2013 to familiarize yourself with him?  So why has the Fatypus become more of a problem for me?  Well, as luck would have it, and as I have stated many times before, I am a stress eater among many other things.  I have come to realize that even though I do not step on the scale more than once a week I was TOTALLY stressing myself out over the numbers.  I was getting down right depressed that I was showing little to no progress when I knew I was working at it.  Pretty much every time I would show a gain in weight I knew EXACTLY why that was and I have to own that.  So here is where the blending of routines begins.  I still have every intention of attending my Weight Watchers meetings for as long as I can afford to.  I cannot guarantee how long I will be able to afford the monthly cost of Weight Watchers due to upcoming job instability issues but I will continue as long as I can.  I have faith that God will provide if that is His path for me.  While I will attend my weekly Weight Watchers meetings I only intend to weigh in once a month.  Now I am not sure how the people at Weight Watchers will feel about this decision or what exactly their rules and regulations are for weigh-ins but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  I am choosing to switch to one weigh-in per month for this reason.  I find that when given a longer time frame to work in with out constantly fussing over a number I get better results.  If I lose 2 lbs. per week let's say, I do not feel as good about it as if I lose 8 lbs. for the month.  I know, it is just a little mental trick but I find it more encouraging and I know already that it is a proven method that works for me.  You may find some that say you need the weekly weigh-ins to keep you on track but let's all be honest here, you know how you have behaved each week.  As long as we stay committed to the program and accountable to each other we will still see success.  
     Staying accountable to one another is a very important part of my current routine that I will combine in the new routine.  I love the support that I get from my Weight Watchers meetings and my weight-loss buddies that have been supporting me along my journey.  I do find that when I do not attend a meeting, for whatever reason, I have trouble staying on track for the week.  It is for this reason, that I feel the Weight Watchers meetings themselves are a key component for my success in my "new" plan.  
     OK...We have monthly weigh-ins and weekly meetings.  A bit of the old and the new, so what's next?  I am changing my food intake a bit too.  I love the system of points that I use with Weight Watchers even though I have been a bit lax with my tracking to say the least.  I need to be stricter and not try to play the system.  Weight Watchers is a program that works not a game.  I need to be reminded that no matter how slick I think I am being, I can't play the program.  With that said, I have found that I need to be a bit more rigid with the foods that I do eat.  I like that fact that there is no "off limits" food with Weight Watchers but you have to know that some foods are far higher in points than others and not as good for you.  For me, I need to set some "off limits" foods.  That openness may work for some but sadly, my addiction to food makes it hard for me to work within the boundaries of some foods.  Therefore, if I "ban" certain foods as I did way back when I lost so much weight and I replace them with far better substitutes I will be able to eat more good foods and not run the risk of flying way off track.  I took the first steps guided by the Weight Watchers program and as long as I can afford membership and the tracking tools, I will now step it up a level and track better food choices still within my points.
     Now comes the hardest change of all.  I must commit to get some wiggle in my jiggle!  I don't mean once a week or once in a while.  This has been the hardest part for me to be committed and honest about.  I have the resources now, heavy bag, and resistance bands, exercise bike, DVD's, free weights, and even a treadmill.  The weather is getting warmer now too so I have no reason not to be out walking or being more active.  There was a term used this week at Weight Watchers that I truly loved, exercuses!  It seems like I can always find an excuse to avoid the exercise.  Sometimes you just have to suck it up and get it done.  I have told you all that I am going to have walked a total of 365 miles in 365 days and let me tell you...I ONLY HAVE 9 MILES WALKED!!  Even though that is easily 9 miles more than I had last year it is still shameful.  I have made a promise to do this and I keep hearing my mother's voice ringing in my head that a man is only as good as his word.  I MUST do this!
     As far as the specialists and therapists go, I have been having regular contact with my primary doctor throughout this journey and all of the support I have gotten from my family and friends along the way is far better therapy than I was getting the last time.
     So now for the elephant in the room...

    This is Phentermine.  This was the little bugger that managed to suppress the hunger inside.  I will say that it did indeed work but at what price.  I am not seeking a Pyrrhic victory here I am seeking, and I will find, TRUE VICTORY!  
     The shiny bow that I will wrap this whole "new" plan package up with is simple, for me there is but one place to find true victory...

      My victory is in Jesus and my faith in God to lead me to victory in my journey is the most important part of my "new" plan.  Allow me to say this again though, FAITH WITHOUT ACTION IS DEAD!  I can also hear my mother's words when she would say that God helps those who help themselves.  I am taking action and trusting in God and I will win!
     I know this week has been a bit different but when I found that I felt like I was just treading water I knew it was time to change up the game.  Now, let's break down some walls, let's speak some truths and bust some myths.
     Earlier this week I asked for people to give me some honest answers regarding any and all negative stereotypes about fat people that they have either thought themselves or had heard of.  I wanted to include this in this week's post because I have had to listen to some truly ignorant people spewing some truly vile things about over-weight people this week.  When I started writing this blog I did so with the intent of not only helping or inspiring people with weight issues but to try to educate others that may be the type of people that make life very hard for us that battle weight issues.  Now I won't make excuses for some of the stereotypes that I have seen in the responses but I will be open and honest and perhaps some people will think before the speak.  Here is a list of several of the stereo types out there all given to me from several sources and also heard many times myself.  I will address each stereotype with truth not excuse in RED ITALLICS: 

STEREOTYPES

• I would date you if you lost 100 lbs. because you have a pretty face. - Not everybody will be attracted to each other but overweight people feel the need for love and companionship just as much as thin people.  I am personally of the opinion that if you make a comment like this you are far to shallow too be bothered with anyway so move along and find somebody equally as shallow as you are. 
• How could you have let yourself go to such a degree? - Before you make a comment like this you may need to look at the whole picture.  This is the old; don't judge a book by its cover issue.  Yes, sometimes we gain weight because we just let ourselves go but there is usually a much deeper reason for it.  Take some time and get to know a person before you judge them.
• Why can't you just control your eating, don't you have any will power? - This is one of my favorites.  The truth is that food addiction is just that, an addiction.  Sometimes will power is not enough to stop the hunger that grows inside and sometimes will power doesn't stop the pain or fill the hole that the food will.
• Being passed over for promotion based on size. - While this is a sad truth, it does happen.  Sometimes it is warranted because as a fat person I can honestly say my work performance has been affected by my weight.  I can't even get hired if the field I went to school for due to the fact that I physically cannot do the job.  Other times however, the stigma of being obese can cost you a promotion or job without ever being given a chance to prove yourself.
• Fat people are ugly. - Well, indeed there is some truth to this but not based on the fact that they are fat alone.  We all find different things about different people attractive and we will not all agree on that but to say that ALL fat people are ugly is a bit short-sighted and again, shallow.
• Fat people are lazy. - This particular statement, again, is not true overall.  Yes, there are some fat people that are lazy.  I have said it myself that I have a large lazy streak in me that I hate but the truth is, at least in my case, I am not just lazy to be lazy.  It takes a great deal more effort for me to move this much mass around and whether or not most people realize this, it hurts almost constantly to move.  So yes, laziness is an attribute of obesity but I can show you several hard working fat people that would disagree with this statement.
• Fat people don't care about their appearance. - For the most part this is completely false.  Most of us care very much so about how we appear but we are also very limited on clothing choices.  Most obese people do the best they can to appear respectable.
• Fat people don't care about their health or families. - Again, this is so untrue.  Sure there are some that would fit this mold but for the most part people that battle weight issues care more about their health even though they may be unsuccessful at improving it.  Nobody likes to live in poor health but that is part of the disease of obesity.  As far as their families are concerned, we care very deeply for our families especially because that is sometimes the only source of safety and love we know.
• Fat people like to over-eat. - There is a term called ingestion analgesia, which refers to our brains releasing reward chemicals when we eat.  So yes this is true to some degree but in the case of somebody that is obese we generally are turning to these pleasure chemicals to cover some kind of pain or lack of love that we do not have.
• Fat people hate to exercise. - Again, this is true of most people to some degree but this is more prevalent with overweight people again due to it being more difficult and painful to move.
• Fat people chose to be left out of life activities. - Sadly, this is true on many occasions.  Be it either because we physically cannot keep up or we are embarrassed or afraid to embarrass those that we love.
• It doesn't hurt them when they hear you teasing them in public. - I would almost emphatically say that this was false.  Yes I know that people like to believe that fat people are all jolly or that we can "laugh" it off but it all hurts whether or not we will share that pain with the world.
• They aren't embarrassed when they fail. - Again, this is also false.  Failure is just as embarrassing to us as it is to a thin person if not more so.  We are expected to fail so when we do nobody offers us a pass, they just say, "I told you so" or "It figures".
• Being fat is a choice. - If being fat is a choice it is a foolish choice.  Sure, we can choose to fight harder to find better health but nobody with any sense actively chooses obesity as a lifestyle.
• Poor work ethic. - This is the same as being lazy.  This is not true overall but most are not given the chance to prove others wrong before being judged.
• Poor personal hygiene. - This is a personal one for me because there are a number of overweight people that are indeed practitioners of poor hygiene for one reason of another.  I can only speak for myself on this one.  I shower and wash my hair daily.  I use an abundance of deodorant, baby powder, and axe to ensure that I never smell if I can avoid it.  I brush my teeth daily and carry gum with me at all times.  I make sure I never wear dirty clothing ever and that I am presentable at all times.
• Bad to sit next to on the bus. - Sure perhaps there are some that are not a treat to sit next to but then again, perhaps you are no prize to sit next to yourself.
• Fat people need deodorant for their ankles. - This one is just preposterous!  If you are sniffing a fat person's ankles you have WAY worse issues than anything I can help with.
• Blood type is ragu. - This is just mean and childish.  Should you truly believe this then please seek help.
• Fat people smell funny. - Please see the bit on hygiene.
• Fat people eat constantly, never choosing healthy foods. - Again, not true overall.  There are several overweight people that simply over eat and there are those that choose poorly what they eat and there are still those that have a medical issue resulting in obesity.
• That is a face that only a mother could love. - Another shallow and hurtful statement made out of ignorance.
• I bet they don't even know what shoes they are wearing. - I will simply address this as childish again but I will offer a warning with this.  Say this one to the wrong fat person and they might gladly show you just what shoes they are wearing.
• What a shame of a wasted human. - Any person that says this about an overweight person should really reexamine their own life and its meaning.
• They won't be successful in life. - This can be answered simply by saying sure, not all overweight people succeed in life but there are several very successful overweight people in this world let alone those that have achieved an average level of success. 
• You are buddy material, not date material. - Then I say stay buddies and move on.  Perhaps whatever person is so shortsighted as this just missed the greatest opportunity they have ever had.

     I hope that I have dispelled some of the negative connotations that are associated with obesity.  In the end, there is no "blanket" statement that would cover all overweight people any more than you could find one for thin people.  I say for those that are stuck on the shallow, immature, or cruel side of these, please take a moment to realize how your words may affect the life of another person and think about filtering just what you say.  If you refuse then please, stay in your own little bubble and try not to spread your ignorance.  Turning a blind eye to how you affect the lives of people you judge only robs you of possibly meeting a person that could change your world.  

     I know that this week's post has been a bit unique but sometimes you have to shake things up to make it fresh.  As always, I thank you all for the support and the love.   Weigh-ins will now be the first of each month but I will still be writing each week and letting you know how I am doing on my journey.  I look forward to continuing to hear from you all and I welcome any feedback on my "new" plan.  As always, please, share this with all that will read it.  Let's change some lives!  God bless you all.  To be continued...