Part 28 - What Do You Fear?

     Hello and welcome back!  I am so excited that you all have made it to Part 28 of The Rendering.  I have had a pretty rough couple of weeks lately and I have found myself toiling over what I wanted to write.  I poured out a lot of emotion in my last post and I almost feel like I have to try to top that.  I then think, why do I have to try to top anything?  This isn't a competition for writing a better and better post but rather a simple forum where I can express my feelings, thoughts, and concerns about my life and my journey to become healthier.  So I ask you...

      Yes, I want to know what you fear but I will not ask that without giving you some explanation.  If I am to be fully honest, and I think I have done a pretty good job of that so far, I ask this question to comfort myself a bit.  Everyday of my life I wake up with fear.  I fear little stupid things but I also fear more serious issues.  Now, I know that everyone has fear but hearing from others that have been a support system for me helps to make me feel not so alone in my fear.  

      So tell me, is it spiders that you are afraid of??  Huh?  Huh?  Ok, ok, now I am just messing around.  Let me tell you a bit about my fears. If I am being honest with not only you all but also myself, I think that one of my major fears is my fear of failing at this journey.  I fear letting each and every person that has shown me support down.  I fear telling you all when I slip or "fall off the wagon".  I fear what I am about to post and I think it is that fear has truly hindered me in getting the last two posts out.  I will face that fear right now and let the consequences be what they may.

     There it is.  There is one of my biggest fears.  I have had a major failure.  I fell off the wagon and I put on a bunch of the weight that I have worked so hard to lose.  As you may recall, I reported that my weight as of the February 2, 2014 post was 587 lbs. and now it is 618 lbs.  I put on 31 lbs. in a matter of 20 days.  I know that I have slipped a few times in the past and I was fighting back but this time it was a bit different.  I have spoken with my doctor and just like last time, I can attribute the massive increase in weight over such a short period of time to my medical conditions and edema but that feels like an excuse to me.  I can't tell you why this time was so different to me but I know that I gave in to my temptations and ate a lot of really bad things for me.  I mainly found myself eating a lot of sugar and we all know the evils of sugar.  I have failed and I have confessed my failure to you all publicly, you that have been such a great support system for me.

      I have faced my fear of admitting my failure to the world and I can honestly say that the fear is disappearing.  I still feel bad that I have disappointed so many people by not grasping success the way that I had hoped for but I cannot un-eat the garbage that I have eaten so I won't dwell on it.  

     I also fear that I am battling a monster inside me.  I fear that even though I proclaim that I want to lose weight and become healthier I will always revert to my gluttonous ways and lose control of that monster.  There is a Christian rock band called Skillet that performs a song titled Monster.  You can find the song on YouTube but I will post the lyrics here.

MONSTER

by Skillet

The secret side of me I never let you see

I keep it caged, but I can't control it

So stay away from me, the beast is ugly

I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls

It comes awake, and I can't control it

Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head

Why won't somebody come and save me form this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster, I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key

I keep it caged, but I can't control it

'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down

Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster, I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp

There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart

No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream

Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I'm gonna lose control, He's something radical

I must confess that I feel like a monster 

     As I listened to this song it rang more and more true to me.  As I stated earlier I fear the monster inside of me.  Not just a monster that gets angry and full of rage but a monster that controls me.  During this whole journey I have battled this monster.  I call it a monster but you can call it what you like, temptation, failure, or addiction.  No matter what you call it, I have to confess that battle as hard as I might, I can't control it.  If you have read my last post then you may already know where I have once again found myself headed if not, here it is.  The reason I fail, the very reason that I fear failing is that I have put far too much "I" into this battle.  I need to surrender all of my being, all that is I to God and have faith in Him that He will provide me with this victory.  I must confess to Him that I feel like a monster at times and I must realize that those feelings are all lies, lies from the world, lies from the enemy of truth, lies from the father of all lies, Satan.  

       I believe this is true but the enemy whispers the stories we tell ourselves to us.  Now, I won't tell you how to believe nor will I expect everybody to believe what I say, but this is about my journey and my beliefs.  I know that even though I have tried and fought with some success that I will not truly win until I have total faith in God my father for victory in His name.

       I am not the first person that has come to a realization that total faith in God to provide a victory is the path to success.  If you don't recognize this picture it depicts the story of David and Goliath.  The whole story can be found in 1 Samuel chapter 17 of the Bible.  David stepped forth in faith to defeat the massive Goliath and defeat him he did indeed!  God gave David the victory over his monster and David had total faith that God would do just that.  

     I realize that over the past few months my blog posts have been evolving more and more toward speaking about God and my relationship with Him and my walk in faith.  I do not do this with any intent to be "preachy" but I am not going to be ashamed to speak of the wonders that God is working in my life.  I made a promise to be truthful from the beginning about my journey and I am going to keep that promise.  Part of that truth is that God is doing a mighty work in my life.  I still have a long way to go but I am so excited to know that I have a mighty God that loves me and wants me to have victory over my fears and my monsters.  I have been told by so many people that my blog is an inspiration to them and just being able to write this blog inspires me and it has shown me many ways that God can change a life.  If you have never known the love of God I can attest that there is nothing more wonderful than to have the Lord God in your heart and your life.  If you struggle as I have with your own journey of any type just look into God.  I am not saying you have to believe or join some "club" but what can it hurt to take a peek.  There is a loving God that wants to know us all and to give us victory in our lives.  Believe me when I say to you that I NEVER thought I would be in a position where I would say these things but I am and I tell you now that even though I have fears and I am just now learning to accept the need for total surrender to God, my fears are melting away.  

     I have shown you my failure and I have confessed that I cannot do this by myself but I will proclaim this as well, I WILL NOT GIVE UP THE FIGHT!  I am just regrouping again.  I say again, as I have in the past, thank you.  Thank you to all of you who have shown me so much love and support.  I will understand if you choose to no longer read or follow my journey based on my yo yo results but I promise you this, the best is yet to come.  As you have all supported me I want you all to know that I am also here to support you.  I will keep writing and even if it is just to chat I am easy enough to reach.  I pray that I can be an example to the world of God's mighty power to change lives.  I will end this post here for this week.  Please share this on your pages and twitters.  Perhaps we can inspire somebody that is just about to give up.  Perhaps we can change a life or two.  Thank you again and may God bless you all.  To be continue...

Part 27 - A Leopard Can't Change His Spots

     Hello and once again welcome to my blog, The Rendering.  Before you sits Part 27 - A Leopard Can't Change His Spots.  Let's jump right in shall we?  I am sure that you have all heard the phrase "A leopard can't change his spots."  It is an old phrase that comes from the bible and basically it is something that you say which means that a person's character, especially if it is bad, will not change, even if they pretend it has.  Pretty straight forward as you can see.

     For now I will leave that there and I will move on to bit about me.  Now, I fully understand that by now, Part 27, you all should, at the very least, have a basic understanding about who I am but I am not sure that I have ever fully shared my true nature.  I have always tried to be as open and honest with my posts as possible but just recently I have come to realize that I have not been being honest with myself.

     So, let me start with what is true and already out there.  My name is Michael Sean Manzer, true.  I am 38 years old, true.  I am 6'3.5", true.  When I started this journey that you all have followed me on I weighed an astounding 674 lbs., true.  For any of you that may not be able to visualize what that is like, get yourself a couple of your daring friends and see if they are willing to hang off of your neck, then try to walk around.  That was how I lived my life and that was how my life was being stolen from me day-by-day and minute-by-minute.  The last truth is that as of this post I weigh...

     Yes, I am down 2 lbs. since last week and 87 lbs. since the start.  Sure, I was down more a while ago but I did gain some back.  Such is life.  Now, I want to share with you some of my true nature, things that I find painful to admit but by the end you will understand why I am revealing this.  

     Here are some more truths, some obvious and some not so much.  Truth, I am lazy.  I always seek the easiest path to the greatest reward.  Truth, I am self-centered, arrogant, and conceited in some things.  Truth, I am quick to anger bordering on rage and quicker to accept depression and hopelessness.  Truth, I am foul mouthed and crude and I quite often find it easy to turn on those around me to take focus off of myself.  Truth, I like girls that are tattooed and pierced and slightly twisted.  Truth, I can be very childish.  I watch cartoons, and collect marbles, comic books, and toys, that yes I have been known to play with.  Truth, I am horrible with time management, cash management, and as evident by that fact that at the age of 38 I have moved back into my parents house, life management.  Truth, I am socially obnoxious and awkward.  I do not interact with people easily.  I can put forth an over-the-top persona when all I want to do is hide.  Truth, I have been known to use people for what they are worth and discard them.  Truth, I have battled addiction in one form or another all of my life.  Obviously, food is at the forefront but I have had my own addiction issues with alcohol and pills as well.  Truth, these are my leopard spots...

     ...or more accurately for me, my leopard slug spots.  These are some of my darker spots that have been with me all of my life.  I have to accept that this is my nature.  I have other truths both good and bad but these are the ones that I am confessing now.  The ones that matter to my story, my journey.  When I accept that this is my nature I must also accept that no matter how hard I struggle, persevere, and strive to, I, just as the leopard, cannot change my spots.

     At this point I can understand if you are all a bit confused.  Here are a few more truths to clear the air up a bit.  Truth, I do not seek your pity.  Truth, I am NOT giving up.  Truth, I WILL, BEYOND ALL DOUBT, BEAT THIS WEIGHT PROBLEM.  Truth, I CANNOT CHANGE MY SPOTS!  Lastly, TRUTH...I AM A CHILD OF A MIGHTY AND POWERFUL GOD!!

      There is no greater truth to me right now than "A leopard can't change his spots" but the part I have over looked for so long is this, God Almighty Himself made the leopard and every spot that the leopard wears.  God Himself also made me and all of my spots.  I can't change my spots but I am beyond convinced that if God can make this...

     ...the majestic platypus (oh yes he is back!), if He can create such a wonder, then He can change my spots.

     Again, I can't change my spots but God can and will.  It is said that you must be broken down to be built up.  You must hit rock bottom to realize the only way left is up.  I have been broken down and I am at the rock bottom and I am weak.  All of these things are truth.  So is this...

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (NIV)

 ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

     Please, I ask, do not just read this and dismiss this.  It is in accepting this that my whole life is changing.  God has given me so many blessings to make me strong in my weakness.  He has provided me with wonderful and encouraging family and friends.  He has given me such a wonderful support system, from all of you that read this, to my Weight Watchers group, to even the fine people that I work with.  My spots have and still are changing and believers or not, you all have been placed in my life by God to help me.  I will never give up because I have a purpose and I have a responsibility to try to live my life to glorify God.  

     I have no words that will express my gratitude for the generosity shown to me and the love that I feel.  It brings tears to my eyes that, even I, someone that I thought was so lost, can be so blessed.  I will never tell someone how to believe but I will say that if you feel lost, alone, or in despair, angry or vile, if you think you are unable to change your spots, I know somebody that feels differently.  

     I will end this week's post at this point.  I know that I have not stayed specifically on "weight loss" but I have tried to show you what is on my heart and how it relates to my journey.  I can only say this, when I took my first step on this journey, when the doctor looked at me and said "You are going to die" and I said no I am not, I never expected my life to change as it is.  I knew that I was going to be getting healthier and losing weight but I would never have thought in a million years that God would remove weight from my soul as well.  

     You may have noticed that I have ended each post in similar fashion but I will be simple this week.  The leopard can't change his spots but the leopard never was holding the paintbrush.  If God can change me and make me strong when I am weak I welcome the challenges and I trust His promises.  I love you all and may God help you change the spots in your life that need changing.  God bless you.  To be continued...