Part 28 - What Do You Fear?

     Hello and welcome back!  I am so excited that you all have made it to Part 28 of The Rendering.  I have had a pretty rough couple of weeks lately and I have found myself toiling over what I wanted to write.  I poured out a lot of emotion in my last post and I almost feel like I have to try to top that.  I then think, why do I have to try to top anything?  This isn't a competition for writing a better and better post but rather a simple forum where I can express my feelings, thoughts, and concerns about my life and my journey to become healthier.  So I ask you...

      Yes, I want to know what you fear but I will not ask that without giving you some explanation.  If I am to be fully honest, and I think I have done a pretty good job of that so far, I ask this question to comfort myself a bit.  Everyday of my life I wake up with fear.  I fear little stupid things but I also fear more serious issues.  Now, I know that everyone has fear but hearing from others that have been a support system for me helps to make me feel not so alone in my fear.  

      So tell me, is it spiders that you are afraid of??  Huh?  Huh?  Ok, ok, now I am just messing around.  Let me tell you a bit about my fears. If I am being honest with not only you all but also myself, I think that one of my major fears is my fear of failing at this journey.  I fear letting each and every person that has shown me support down.  I fear telling you all when I slip or "fall off the wagon".  I fear what I am about to post and I think it is that fear has truly hindered me in getting the last two posts out.  I will face that fear right now and let the consequences be what they may.

     There it is.  There is one of my biggest fears.  I have had a major failure.  I fell off the wagon and I put on a bunch of the weight that I have worked so hard to lose.  As you may recall, I reported that my weight as of the February 2, 2014 post was 587 lbs. and now it is 618 lbs.  I put on 31 lbs. in a matter of 20 days.  I know that I have slipped a few times in the past and I was fighting back but this time it was a bit different.  I have spoken with my doctor and just like last time, I can attribute the massive increase in weight over such a short period of time to my medical conditions and edema but that feels like an excuse to me.  I can't tell you why this time was so different to me but I know that I gave in to my temptations and ate a lot of really bad things for me.  I mainly found myself eating a lot of sugar and we all know the evils of sugar.  I have failed and I have confessed my failure to you all publicly, you that have been such a great support system for me.

      I have faced my fear of admitting my failure to the world and I can honestly say that the fear is disappearing.  I still feel bad that I have disappointed so many people by not grasping success the way that I had hoped for but I cannot un-eat the garbage that I have eaten so I won't dwell on it.  

     I also fear that I am battling a monster inside me.  I fear that even though I proclaim that I want to lose weight and become healthier I will always revert to my gluttonous ways and lose control of that monster.  There is a Christian rock band called Skillet that performs a song titled Monster.  You can find the song on YouTube but I will post the lyrics here.

MONSTER

by Skillet

The secret side of me I never let you see

I keep it caged, but I can't control it

So stay away from me, the beast is ugly

I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls

It comes awake, and I can't control it

Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head

Why won't somebody come and save me form this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster, I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key

I keep it caged, but I can't control it

'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down

Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster, I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp

There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart

No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream

Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I'm gonna lose control, He's something radical

I must confess that I feel like a monster 

     As I listened to this song it rang more and more true to me.  As I stated earlier I fear the monster inside of me.  Not just a monster that gets angry and full of rage but a monster that controls me.  During this whole journey I have battled this monster.  I call it a monster but you can call it what you like, temptation, failure, or addiction.  No matter what you call it, I have to confess that battle as hard as I might, I can't control it.  If you have read my last post then you may already know where I have once again found myself headed if not, here it is.  The reason I fail, the very reason that I fear failing is that I have put far too much "I" into this battle.  I need to surrender all of my being, all that is I to God and have faith in Him that He will provide me with this victory.  I must confess to Him that I feel like a monster at times and I must realize that those feelings are all lies, lies from the world, lies from the enemy of truth, lies from the father of all lies, Satan.  

       I believe this is true but the enemy whispers the stories we tell ourselves to us.  Now, I won't tell you how to believe nor will I expect everybody to believe what I say, but this is about my journey and my beliefs.  I know that even though I have tried and fought with some success that I will not truly win until I have total faith in God my father for victory in His name.

       I am not the first person that has come to a realization that total faith in God to provide a victory is the path to success.  If you don't recognize this picture it depicts the story of David and Goliath.  The whole story can be found in 1 Samuel chapter 17 of the Bible.  David stepped forth in faith to defeat the massive Goliath and defeat him he did indeed!  God gave David the victory over his monster and David had total faith that God would do just that.  

     I realize that over the past few months my blog posts have been evolving more and more toward speaking about God and my relationship with Him and my walk in faith.  I do not do this with any intent to be "preachy" but I am not going to be ashamed to speak of the wonders that God is working in my life.  I made a promise to be truthful from the beginning about my journey and I am going to keep that promise.  Part of that truth is that God is doing a mighty work in my life.  I still have a long way to go but I am so excited to know that I have a mighty God that loves me and wants me to have victory over my fears and my monsters.  I have been told by so many people that my blog is an inspiration to them and just being able to write this blog inspires me and it has shown me many ways that God can change a life.  If you have never known the love of God I can attest that there is nothing more wonderful than to have the Lord God in your heart and your life.  If you struggle as I have with your own journey of any type just look into God.  I am not saying you have to believe or join some "club" but what can it hurt to take a peek.  There is a loving God that wants to know us all and to give us victory in our lives.  Believe me when I say to you that I NEVER thought I would be in a position where I would say these things but I am and I tell you now that even though I have fears and I am just now learning to accept the need for total surrender to God, my fears are melting away.  

     I have shown you my failure and I have confessed that I cannot do this by myself but I will proclaim this as well, I WILL NOT GIVE UP THE FIGHT!  I am just regrouping again.  I say again, as I have in the past, thank you.  Thank you to all of you who have shown me so much love and support.  I will understand if you choose to no longer read or follow my journey based on my yo yo results but I promise you this, the best is yet to come.  As you have all supported me I want you all to know that I am also here to support you.  I will keep writing and even if it is just to chat I am easy enough to reach.  I pray that I can be an example to the world of God's mighty power to change lives.  I will end this post here for this week.  Please share this on your pages and twitters.  Perhaps we can inspire somebody that is just about to give up.  Perhaps we can change a life or two.  Thank you again and may God bless you all.  To be continue...