Part 39 - Things That Go Bump In The Night....in my head

     Welcome back to yet another installment of my blog...The Rendering!!  Let me say thank you to all of you that take the time to listen to my ramblings.  It means a great deal to have your support.   
    I apologize to you all for not having a post last weekend but to be honest I was a bit under the weather but I was also very busy.  I was trying to get a lot done in a little time and I actually got quite a bit accomplished.  So moving on to this week.
    I am going to show you the weight that I took at my home this week.

  

     In my last post I gave you the weight from the surgeon's office of 640 lbs.   That weight is taken fully clothed and this is taken in just my boxer shorts.  I did the calculations and this would be right around 630 lbs. in the surgeon's office so that means I am still down 10 more pounds!  I'm getting there.

     I have had so many things spinning around in my head this week that I was having trouble trying to decide what I wanted to write about.  I finally decided that rather than trying to order the thoughts both good and bad and form them into some kind of cohesive sentences I would just let them flow out at their own will and see what happens.  Hold on, I make no promises where we will end up.  
     I have found myself dealing a lot this week with what I call "a bad head space" or "being stuck inside my own head".  Others would call it discouragement or depression, and they wouldn't be totally wrong.  Mostly, however, it is fear and doubt.  I have found that even though I am excited to be going through with this new chapter of my life I am scared to all hell about it.  I have heard from others around me about their own concerns.  Some are scared but supportive, some are scared and doubtful about my decision to go through with surgery, some are excited, possibly more so than I.  I find myself surrounded with all of these opinions and I truly do appreciate all of the input, but I had to decide for myself just what my feelings were.  I came up with this, yes I am afraid of failing, pain, and yes even the possibility of death.  I worry about the finances for the surgery.  I am afraid of letting so many people down that have given me so much support.  Finally, and possibly most of all, I fear being trapped inside this mass of death and robbing myself and those that love me of what remaining years I have left.
     Now, these are all just thoughts that are constantly bouncing around in my head and sometimes they do get me into a dark place.  They will not defeat me though.  I have been blessed with some very special people in my life who have, for whatever the reason, given me inspiration and courage to keep fighting weather they know it or not.  One of these special people took it upon themselves when hearing that I was once again stuck in the dark places of my own mind offer to hop into my mind and spray glitter all over the place.  Now I know that may sound silly to many out there but for ANYBODY, let alone this person to offer to take a trip into the darkness of my mind just to help brighten my day really gave me encouragement.  
     I also will say that I have found encouragement from somebody half my age.  I have found, with great surprise, that there can be great wisdom, inspiration, and encouragement in some of the youth of today.  I would like to share a vlog from one of these young ladies.  My niece Bethany has started publishing a vlog and it is silly, creative, insightful, honest, and for me, super encouraging.  I am going to post one of her videos in my blog this week.  This particular video has encouraged me to overcome many of my fears.  Here it is...

 

I can't stress enough the amount of encouragement that I get from this young lady's silly little videos.  I encourage you all to check her out on Youtube and subscribe to her channel.  Look up "Binya Boozles" and subscribe.  I laughed, I cried, I learned about hamsters.  

     So I will leave you all with what I intend to take away from all of this.  I will have times where I am scared and doubtful and excited but through it all I will be loved by and I will love in return some amazing people.  In the end live or die, succeed or fail, in the words of an amazing young lady..."Go rub your love off on somebody!!".  Thanks for reading and God bless you all.  To be continued... 

 

Part 38 - By Any Means Necessary...

     July 14, 2013...this was the date that the fuse was lit, a fuse that would lead to an explosion that, for better or worse, would alter my life.  This was the date that I launched the inaugural post for The Rendering.  

     When I started this amazing journey so long ago I did so with a number of hopes in mind.  I wanted to change my life by losing a massive amount of weight.  The very weight that had held me captive all of my life and was bound to do so until the day I die.  I wanted to share my journey through this blog so I could reach out and get the support of my friends and family as well as to try to help others who had struggles in one way or another related to weight.  I wanted to open eyes to an all too familiar sight in today's world.  Obesity is a curse that ruins lives of both the obese and of those close to them.  When I started I had my eyes on the prize and was determined to win...

     I lost.  I made several strides and I had limited success but as with any battle the tide can turn and the advantage can be lost in the blink of an eye.  You can reread all of my posts and just looking at the weight measurements you will notice more of an up and down pattern than if you were intently watching a yo-yo master performing.  I had wonderful support from my friends and family and I was working with an amazing and battle-proven program known as Weight Watchers.  The fault for my failure lies with me and me alone.

     I reread my last post that I did back in October.  I found that much of that still held true today.  I still battle several of those same feelings and I am still a man of faith but I am also still very much an addict to food.  That is the fault in my whole plan.  No matter how much support I had or how hard I tried, I just couldn't beat the addiction to food.  The holiday times were hard for me because some of my favorite treats are sweets.  I managed to balloon up to my highest weight yet of 678 lbs.  I was a mess.  My medical problems were getting worse and things were out of control.  I was miserable and I thought back to a dark promise I made to myself when I was 30.

     I won't go into details because I have only ever told 2 people the full story but this promise had some stipulations that as of my 40th birthday would not have been for the best.  That is where the story takes a bit of a turn.  I have said it before that I am a man of faith but that faith can be tested.  I also believe that God will send us angels in disguise.  Disguised as, to say ordinary would not be doing justice, but disguised as unique individuals who are just people that cross your path in life.  God sent me one such angel when I needed this angle most.  Now, to say I understand just what it is that changed in me would be a foolish statement but I can say this, the positive energy that was brought to my life by this angel was profound and removed any remnants of the promise I had made 10 years ago.  This person may never know how special they are to me but all I can say is thank you so very much and I treasure your friendship more than words can express.

      I won't tell you that all things were suddenly coming up roses because they weren't.  I was still in a very dangerous spot health wise and my best laid plans up to this point had met with failure.  I was cornered, so to speak, like a wounded animal.  The thing about a wounded animal is, they have nothing to lose and are very unpredictable.  All they want to do is survive and will do so by any means necessary.  I will make this statement crystal clear to all who doubt me or think that I am a dead man walking...I CHOOSE TO SURVIVE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!

     By that I mean that I have decided to take the one avenue that I had previously tried to avoid.  I have begun the process of undergoing bariatric weight loss surgery.  Back in the beginning of May I traveled to Syracuse to the office of Dr. Graber to have a consultation.  I had been researching all of the processes for this surgery but I certainly received some eye-openers during my consultation.  After a very informative seminar and a one on one meeting with both the surgical nurse and surgeon himself we came to the decision that we could proceed with the surgery. 

     Now it isn't quite that simply but to get the green light to begin the process was quite encouraging.  I underwent some testing for bacteria at the consultation and passed but there are still other tests I must pass to proceed.  I still must have a nuclear stress test, blood work, endoscopy, attend support groups, and meet with a nutritionist and psychologist but I am fairly optimistic that I shall pass those barriers as well.  I also have to participate in a 3 month supervised diet in order to meet the requirements for my insurance to cover this.  I must show at the very least that I have not gained any weight each month or I must start the entire process over again.  

     At my consultation my starting weight was 658 lbs. and the surgeon, Dr. Obradovic, asked me to commit to losing 30 lbs. minimum before surgery.  I was given a special diet to follow and I am doing my best to stick to it more or less with some slight alterations.  I just had my first supervised weigh in on my birthday, June 5th.  At that time my current weight was 640 lbs.  I have lost 18 lbs. in my first month meaning I am almost 2/3rds of the way to the minimum goal my surgeon has set for me.  The folks at the office were very happy with my progress.

     So what lies ahead for me now?  Well, this will be a huge and permanent change in my life and by no means do I think this is a quick fix solution.  Once I have this surgery there are things that I will never have again and there are certain things that I must be very cautious of due to the fact that they could cause me great damage.  The surgery alone has its own risks but they are risks that I am willing to take because the other side of this coin is a slow and painful death by obesity.  There are still other concerns I have about financially being set for this and while several of the people in my life are super supportive and even excited for me, and I can't thank them enough, there are some that have their own doubts or fears of the surgery.  I appreciate their concern but I cannot allow it to impact me negatively or pull my attention from my goals.  I have a new life potentially being laid out before me and I will succeed.  I proclaim this now, I will no longer be the frightened wounded animal trapped in the corner.  I am a predator.  I always have been but now it is awakening.  I intend to no longer wait for things to happen to  me I intend to start taking from life the things that I want, the things that I deserve.  God has made me a strong man and now I need to start embracing the blessings He has given me and claim what belongs to me!

     As I close this post, consider this my battle cry, I am worth fighting for and I intend to do just that BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!

 

Part 37 - The Final Countdown!!!

     So this is it?  Really??   This is what all of the suspense and countdown was about all week?  I will answer that by simply saying yes.  Allow me to warn you all now that I am not quite certain of where this particular post is going to end up or how I am going to get there but I have decided this, this all must stop and stop now! 

     I guess I should explain a bit about what has been going on in my head over the past few months.  Even though I have tried several times and I have tried to find different methods to find more success I have failed in every attempt.  I have met with some limited success but I recently went back through my posts and I found myself discouraged and disgusted.  I saw all of the success that I had worked so hard for just pissed away by my own selfishness. 

     I sit back and take a good look at who I am and was and who I want to be and I see only this, I hate who I was, I detest  who I am, and as for who I want to be, I see only hopelessness.  I find my words hollow and hypocritical.  I find myself dumbfounded by the fact that I was able to write some of the things that I wrote and that I was able to convince myself that I believed in the positivity of those messages.  Sure, yeah, I believed in them, right up to the point that I would stuff some grotesquely unhealthy food in my face.  Why would I do such a thing?  I don’t have an answer.  What do you want me to say?  I like eating, plain and simple.  I like the flavors and textures.  Sometimes it is just because I am bored and the whole ritual of eating is all I need to break the boredom.   There are times that, to put it bluntly, I am a mindless eating machine.  I have no real concern for others or their feelings.  All I ever am concerned with is what the next thing is that I can cram into my open maw. 

     As I have mentioned before, I have dealt with some deep-seated depression for most of my life.  I understand that by telling you all this I am not breaking any new ground but I am not sure that I have ever conveyed to you all effectively just how bad my depression is.  I have never fully exposed the true torture chamber that is in my own mind.  I have never before truly exposed the raw nerve of my soul so that everybody else could appreciate my pain, my suffering.

     So allow me to show you one of the greatest truths I have come to realize and accept throughout my journey…I am not going to die, I AM DEAD ALREADY!  I am in a battle that I cannot win, nor do I want to anymore.  This monster, this killer has already devastated my life by taking my mother and leaving me with a hole in my very soul, a hole so large that it hemorrhages all of my hopes and dreams.  A hole that I pray every day allows the very life force to seep from me and will carry me off into the darkness where there is no more pain or suffering. 

     As much as I hope for the end to come to me, I am equally terrified of finally closing my eyes for the very last time.  I have tried to be a man of faith but I am also a man of logic and I find it extremely hard to believe in something I cannot prove.  I am terrified that perhaps I am right in thinking when the last breath leaves my foul corpse that is it, just nothingness.  I am terrified that perhaps my mother has suffered such a similar fate and she also is no more.  I am angry that for some reason my life has been chosen to be a life of suffering and failure.  So angry, in fact, that at times I wished I could hold the world in my hands and crush it into dust so that everyone could feel the pain and suffering that goes on in my mind. 

     I have found myself bitter and angry at those that find success and happiness in this life.  Those that have someone special that knows them so well that they can communicate without words.  I am enraged that so many people that don’t appreciate what they have can simply overlook how special holding a hand or an embrace truly is.  I am enraged that they have something that they do not deserve and I have spent 39 years on this filthy rock never having experienced a love of that level being returned to me.  I HATE THEM FOR IT!!

     I am a failure at everything I put my hand to.  I find that as I get older and fatter that I am less and less successful at all of the things that I attempt.  So, do the math, not only am I a failure but I have managed to become better at failing just by stuffing wretched food into my dumb face! 

     I have come to accept that I am also a burden to everyone around me.  I need to have special accommodations made for me at every turn, special chairs at work, home, doctor’s office, etc.  I have to customize my seat in my car and I have had to go as far as getting a specialized toilet to handle my immense girth!  Here’s one for you all, have a good chuckle at my expense.  I have to use baby powder by the case just to avoid being “the smelly fat guy” in public.  Yeah, that’s not too detrimental to myself esteem that there is literally powder that gets over anything and everything that I am around but hey, I don’t stink.  I guess the embarrassment was all worth it right?

     So there you all have it.  This is exactly where my head has been for the past few months.  Not a pretty place to be but that is one of the only ways I know how to explain the living nightmare I go through every second of every day.  As I said, I have come to a decision, THIS ALL MUST STOP AND STOP NOW!!!  I came to this decision by using a highly complicated, scientific tool, Facebook.  Now, there are but two questions to be answered…what method should I use to stop all of this and what exactly is “all of this”?

     Let’s address my highly complicated, scientific tool first shall we?  I was in one of my mindless funks and I was bouncing around Facebook wallowing in my own pathetic stench and self-hate when my Facebook compass spun around and pointed me in the direction I needed to return to.  I found a simple statement posted by a person that I highly respect that seemed out of place but it would prove to be just what I needed.  This is what it said…

FACEBOOKER 1 - I heard the devil's voice today......

     This is the bit that seemed out of place to me because this man is truly a man of God.  The following statements where a wakeup call for me.

FACEBOOKER 2 - What did he say?

Wait for it….here is the big AH HA!

FACEBOOKER 1 - what he said does not matter because they are all lies. "If God is for us then who can be against us". Romans 8:31

     There it is, plain as day.  Three simply comments that took three months of anger, depression, hopelessness, hatred, and self-loathing and forced it away like a light bulb forces the darkness away.  I AM A MAN OF FAITH!  I had just started listening to the lies of the enemy and believed that they all were of my own making.  I have a God that loves me and even if I don’t know what exactly His plan for me is, I know that He has one.  I know that I WILL see my mother again one day and though I miss her every day, this too was done in God’s time and was a part of His plan.  I know she isn’t suffering anymore and I know that even though she had her own issues, she and I have had long conversations and she did indeed know the Lord and tried to live her life as a good person. 

     I will not say that the feelings of depression will go away but I will say that I can better see them now as the lies that they are.  I still have issues with my weight and many of the other things that I mentioned but I did succeed once and I will do so again.  I am surrounded by people that love me and support me.  As far as all of that other love stuff goes, perhaps I will find it perhaps I won’t but it is in God’s time and His plan. 

     I know that this may all sound silly or like a load hogwash but I am excited to be writhing again.  I found that I was no longer enjoying writing my blog.  Perhaps, it was the depression or the fact I was not doing well losing weight but I am once again excited.  As for the countdown this past week, that was just something fun to get your attention.  Perhaps you saw it or perhaps not but I can tell you that several people were dying to know what it was all about.  This is it.  As of 7:00 PM on Sunday, October 11, 2014 I have put a stop to all of the lies that I had believed and I am once again walking in the truth of God’s plan for me.  I am 638 lbs. and I am embracing what I know and the love and support from those around me to once again start bringing this number down. 

     For the first time in a long while I can say I feel happy and I am encouraged.  I will once again invite you all to join me but if you choose not to, I know this; I am not on this journey alone, because I walk with my Lord and Savior.  Next post I will address the things that have been enablers in my path and I will update you all where I stand.  I know this has been an up and down road but I want to truly thank you all for walking it with me.  Much love from the Fat Guy and God bless you all!  To be continued…

Part 36 - Man Up And Follow Through!!

     Hello, and welcome to Part 36 of The Rendering...Man Up And Follow Through!!  Now normally each week or whenever I post for that matter, I like to talk about my weight loss journey and how it affects my life.  I am going to do that this week but I am going to cover some other things on my mind first.  I am not going to post a weight today because my last posting was so recent.  I know that I was up 2 lbs. at this week's Weight Watchers meeting but I am working on losing that ASAP.  I have been finding it harder to track everything that I eat this time around but I know that is something that I need to own.  I know that actions speak louder than words and I need to prove myself with my actions.
     So, what else has been on my mind this week?   I have a dear friend, Veronica Diamond, who was nice enough to nominate me for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  When I saw this I wasn't quite sure how to react or how I felt about it.  To be honest, I found myself a bit confused, annoyed, and a little honored.  Allow me to explain a little.  I knew that ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease as it is known was just that, a disease, but I didn't really know much more about it.  So what is ALS exactly?  Here is what I learned...

    

     Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as "Lou Gehrig's Disease," is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually leads to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed.

     That there is the actual definition taken straight from the ALS Association's website.  I mention this for one reason; I have heard both good and bad things about this ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  One common thing that I have seen was a questioning of the rules for this challenge.  Some rules say that if you are nominated you either donate $100 to ALS or you dump a bucket of ice water over your head.  The other set of rules states that if you are nominated you have a choice, donate $100 to ALS or donate $10 to ALS and dump a bucket of ice water over your head.  So, here is my issue, and there are a few.  Raising money to help out with research and what not for ALS is a great cause so I can't see why, if you choose to participate in the challenge, you can't donate at least $10.  Now, some people take issue with being nominated because they feel like they are obligated to donate.  No, not at all, I don't feel that anybody should be obligated to give to a certain cause or any cause for that matter.  In fact, if you don't want to participate then don't.  You won't look like a schmuck.  Nor should you feel obligated to donate to ALS.  If you want to be a part of this I am sure it will work for any worthy cause that you see fit.  I have heard arguments from people trying to defend the first set of rules that allows you to just take the bucket of ice water without donating because they say it "draws awareness to ALS".  Fine, I see that point but honestly, that is the reason I posted the definition for what ALS is.  You see, I was aware of ALS already and when I wanted to know more about what it was I turned to my old friend Google.  However, even though I am now not only aware but educated about ALS, my phenomenal use of Google really didn't do much to help ALS or any other charitable cause. 
     So here is what I decided to do, I ACCEPTED MY NOMINATION WITH PRIDE!!

      As you can see from the video, I took my bucket.  Mind you, this was no 50 gallon drum challenge but I did use a 5 gallon bucket of water and apparently some gravel thank you very much.  To this bucket we added two large bags of ice, REAL ICE, as there are some that think cold water is sufficient, BTW IT'S NOT, and let it soak for about 10 minutes to get nice and frosty.  I even added in a little fun and intrigue by having a masked man wearing San Francisco 49's gear do the pouring of what was a numbingly cold dousing.  Most importantly, before I did any of this I made my donation to ALS.
     I am not saying this to brag but to explain the part where I said I felt honored.  Even though I was only able to donate a small amount I was honored that somebody thought of me as a choice to help out a good cause and rather than just doing the water challenge to "be part of the crowd", I was actually able to do something to help. 
     Ok, let me recap, confused about the rules, annoyed by the, as they say, slacktivism (which by the way is a GREAT word), and honored by the fact that somebody thought highly enough about me to choose me to help out a great cause.  So I will end my discussion about this whole ALS Ice Bucket Challenge deal with this, I challenge every single person that reads this!
     No, in fact I do not challenge you to the Ice Bucket Challenge because I have already made my nominations.  I challenge you all to follow your hearts on this.  If you are indeed feeling charitable there are any number of causes that need our support. ALS, MS, Cystic Fibrosis, Sickle Cell, or any other need that, either, isn't being met or needs help in any way possible.  You may disagree, but in some way every little penny counts no matter how cliche that sounds.  If you are not led to be charitable that is fine too.  How does that old saying go?  Charity begins at home.  So if you are able and led to then by all means do but if not then don't.  My challenge is simple...try.
     I was asked by somebody this exact quote, "and this does, or proves or accomplishes what?" referencing my video of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  I think that I have answered that above but there are a few other benefits that came about for me from doing this.  I had some good laughs and good memories with some people I consider family and as I told you in my last post, I will always choose the adventure!  I must admit that even though this was for charity and I did have fun doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge it personally accomplished something for me.  Yep folks, time to bring this all back around to my epic journey that I have been traveling on and documenting through this blog.  The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has shown me that in part, I am a practitioner of SLACKTIVISIM in regards to my weight loss.  

Slacktivism is a portmanteau of the words slacker and activism. The word is usually considered a pejorative term that describes "feel-good" measures, in support of an issue or social cause, that have little or no practical effect other than to make the person doing it take satisfaction from the feeling they have contributed. The acts tend to require minimal personal effort from the slacktivist.
     
     It hurts to realize that I am not doing ALL that I could be doing to lose this weight that is killing me.  I go to my Weight Watchers to make myself feel good and I write this blog to gain even more encouragement but then I allow myself to slip and eat things that I know I shouldn't.  Ever since I returned to my Weight Watchers meeting and started again at writing the blog I have been struggling.  I know that my environment hasn't been the best.  There are always desserts and what not around here and to a point it almost seems like sabotage but that is just another excuse to not give my all.  My father and sister are not trying to sabotage my progress and it is not fair for me to expect them to not have these treats around. 
     I now find myself with more money due to working a much more regular schedule and lots of OT.  This means I am eating out more often again.  If good old Craig Shinkle orders lunch at work that doesn't mean I have to.  Doing this challenge and experiencing all of the things that I did I must now MAN UP AND FOLLOW THROUGH!!  I am doing an OK job but I can do better!  If I can take 5 gallons of ice water I can do this!
     I know this week's post wasn't as colorful as normal but this is what was on my mind.  I want to thank you all for the support and I hope in one way or another you all find some way to meet my challenge and help out.  I love you all and may God bless you all throughout your week.  To be continued...

Part 35 - Let's Talk Turkey

-DISCLAIMER-

      The following post was written a few weeks ago but never finished due to some computer issues.  I apologize for the delay but I am still going to post this one.  I have since remedied the computer issue and I have also added a laptop to my box of tricks so that I now have a backup to avoid further computer issues, knock on wood.  I cannot thank my friend Aaron enough for donating his old laptop to me, it really means a lot.  Without further delay I give you Part 35 - Let's Talk Turkey.
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     Well hello there.  I am glad that you have chosen to read this week's post.  Whether you are a returning reader or brand new to The Rendering, I say welcome.  This week will be a little different because I am just shooting the breeze so to speak.  Normally, I find a topic or a direction to aim for in each week's post and I try to stick to that.  I am abandoning any general direction this week so let's just talk some turkey!

     Well, with that being said, I guess that I will start by saying that, as I said I would, I have made my return to my Weight Watchers family.  I truly am encouraged and very happy to be able to say that.  Not only have I returned but so has somebody very special to me and we are going to whup some ass this time around!  In my last post I gave you all my current update on where I stood with my weight.  I told you that I was at 626 lbs. but I may have spoken a bit out of turn.  The weight pic that I posted in my last post was actually about 2 weeks old and taken just after a fun week long battle with a cellulitis infection.  I have taken the most recent weight so that I would have an accurate starting point and here it is.

     So in an effort to be as open and honest as I can be, I give you my actual weight.  I am only 6 lbs. heavier than I previously reported but it is still 6 lbs. more than I want.

-UPDATE-

AS OF THE FINISHING OF THIS POST, 8/20/14 MY NEW WEIGHT IS...

 MAKING PROGRESS!  

     This week's Weight Watchers meeting had a simple theme that I figured was a great message for me to hear given my goal to get back on track.  We talked about making small changes that would help us to reach our goals.  I know I have talked about taking baby steps before so I guess now it is time to fall back on what I already know.  I think that one of the small changes that I am going to make is to wean myself off of creamer in my coffee.  It may take me a bit because I don't care for black coffee too much but if I force myself I believe that I will develop a taste for it.  Not only will this save me a few points and calories each day but I think that it will help me to discover some underlying flavor notes in the coffee that I drink.  Tasting it stripped down and natural may make me appreciate it even more.  Of course, this means that I will need to phase out the artificial sweetener too if I want the true experience of the coffee but heck, that crap is bad for you anyway.  

     So what else has happened this past week.  Well actually, the past three weeks.  I know that I said I was back to writing this blog and I am indeed but there may be a week or two that I miss a post but please allow me to explain.  As I have previously said, I was able to find myself a new job after my old employer announced a major layoff.  I now work for Xerox and even though there are some bumps that we are working on smoothing out I really do like this company.  I am basically doing the same work that I was doing at my old job but I am encouraged to see the new direction and what lies ahead for this new company.  As with many new companies, there is a high demand for extra hours and that means long days and longer weeks.  In order to try to avoid working 12 hour days anymore we have gone to working 6 days a week, Monday through Saturday and occasionally Sundays.  The fact that I now have to work Saturdays puts a lot of pressure on me to get what I can get done in the few hours of free time that I actually have.  It may not seem so, but this blog can take me quite some time to actually write.  I just don't sit down and spit out meaningless drivel.  I put a lot of thought into what I write.  Last weekend I had a choice to make, I could sit down and write or I could pursue an adventure.  This blog is very important to me but there are a few things that are more important.  One of the most important things in my life is my family and getting to spend some quality time with them.  Losing my mother in 2013 has really made me try to appreciate the very short time we have with those that we love and I want to take advantage of every opportunity to go on adventures and make memories with them whenever I can.  So what was the adventure that I chose to embark upon rather than writing a post last week?  I went after the great white whale!  Well, not exactly...

      It wasn't exactly a "white whale" but it was a nice sized bullhead.  I spent my day fishing with my father, niece, and nephew and this was one of our many catches along with several sun fish, blue gill, and some very nice bass.  Even though I did not get to write my blog last week, I would not have traded the laughs, smiles, and memories of that great day for anything in the world.  So with that being said I hope you all understand that sometimes I am going to choose the adventure over the blog and that is where the bear craps in the woods as they say. 

     Now let me tell you a story that I heard this week (or a few weeks ago at this point) that made me chuckle.  I will not include names because this is not my story but the part that made me chuckle was a bit dark because I was thinking of how I would have handled it.  I will warn you all right now, this thought of how I would handle this situation certainly isn't the mature adult way to handle it but it made me laugh.  I don't want to get the details of the story wrong so I will just paraphrase.  Basically, the storyteller has lost a good deal of weight and in the process of life, like ya do, they were spending time with a young child.  Now for any person who has spent any amount of time around children you will all know, I am sure, children can be brutally honest.  Some people find this offensive but as a fat guy which, by the way will ALWAYS draw the attention of a child, I find the innocent honesty refreshing.  For those that have not had the opportunity to experience a massive weight loss or known somebody who has here is a little fact, the weight may melt away but the skin, well, it gets a bit flabby and wiggly.  So what is a small child to do when they notice a bit of extra wiggly arm skin?  Play with it of course!  Now let it be known that the storyteller handled this in a manner that I am sure is much more appropriate than I would have but here, after some thought, is how I would have handled it.  I would invite the child to a movie night, possibly at the Hargus's, and we would watch The Beastmaster.  This is a fine film from 1982.  Those of you who are familiar with this movie might see where I am headed but for those who are not let me shed some light on my darkness.   

     This fine fellow being held at sword point by the Beastmaster is known as a Winged Devourer or Vore.  Take notice of his or hers, not really too sure, arms.  Perhaps a wing?  Perhaps just a bit of flabby, wiggly skin due to weight loss?  Either way it is what this creature does with his flaps that counts.  As you may have guessed from the name, they use these flaps to devour humans.  Yes, DEVOUR HUMANS!  Let's see if a little child wants to play with somebody's arm flaps after watching this.  I told you that is was a bit dark but it made me laugh all the same.  
     I will leave you with that thought for this week and I will do my best to get a new post out this Sunday.  As always, thank you all for the support and I look forward to reading your comments.  God bless you all.  To be continued... 

Part 34 - Out of the Rubble....We Can Rebuild Him!!!

     Yeah it hurt!  What would you expect?  I stood upon a mountain, a mountain that I built with my own two hands.  Momentum is a great tool to have but it can also be the key to watching your empire crumble before you.  I was the Juggernaut bitch!

      Do you know what the problem with being a juggernaut full of momentum is?  You plow forward, up and up the mountain with your eyes only fixed on the top.  You don't pay attention to the destruction you leave in your wake.  You never give a thought to how your actions may be weakening the very foundation of the mountain you scratch and claw at to climb.  I went into this battle headstrong and full of vigor and I was successful.  Along with success came confidence and even a bit of arrogance, dare I say.

     Anybody that has ever ridden a bicycle can relate to this imagery.  As we all know, it took a little while to master riding a bike but once you could you had to see what you could do.  Most of us would eventually find ourselves in a place where we would be riding at a good speed.  One that we thought we could handle but perhaps, it was a bit ambitious for our skill set.  Well, what would happen?  That front wheel would catch a slight wobble.  Now, that wobble wouldn't be a travesty but it would give you a little scare but hey, you could handle this, you were a master bicyclist right?  So you correct or more accurately over-correct and that is where the real problems started.  

     I too was trying to continue my journey with methods and techniques that were beyond what I was ready for and it happened.  My wheel wobbled.  My pride would not allow me to reach out for help, as perhaps I should have.  I tried to correct with lies and excuses.  I could side step with the best of them but even the most powerful war machine can fall victim to a wobble in the wheel.

    In the end, no matter how much momentum or success you have the wobble will take you down and leave you looking at a smoking, fiery disaster.  Once you fall, if your foundation is weak, it too will come crashing down around you.  So I say again...yeah it hurt!

     I heard this quote from Winston Churchill this week while watching the Dr. Phil show.  Yeah, yeah, it was on and I liked it...lol.  This spoke to me as a lesson and an encouragement.  Success is not final.  I need to keep that in mind and use it to keep my head grounded.  Even though I have found and will find success before and again, I can't stop striving for more.  Don't aim for the mountain top aim far beyond.  Failure is not fatal.  Literally, for me, if I do fail at this it will be fatal but I have to see this as the encouragement it is.  If I fail, I am not going to instantly drop dead.  I can go again.  I must find the courage to keep trying.  That is what counts.

     Most of you that know me will know that I am a huge fan of comic books.  Go figure, a fat guy that lives with his parents likes comic books, not too stereotypical huh?  Anyway, of all of the superheros in comic book literature, Wolverine is now and has always been my favorite.  I relate with him in some way in my head.  Of all of his attributes I admire, the fact that no matter how badly he is hurt he keeps coming.  He has a "healing factor" that allows him to sustain horrendous injuries and yet still survive.  I like to think that I have to keep that mindset that no matter how many times I am hurt in my journey to better health either by the actions of others or poor choices of my own I WILL keep coming.  So there it is, the smoke is clearing and I'm still standing.  I am hurt, broken, bruised, and worse for wear but I am smarter now and more experienced.  I will heal and to steal a line from a great show from the seventies, "Gentleman, we can rebuild him!"

     This is where we start.  I know I have been away from the game for a few months so here is where I currently stand as far as my weight.  I know that I had all sorts of plans for walking 365 miles in as many days and doing a 5k by the end of the year but I have to wipe that slate clean.  This is a new beginning.  I am proud to also announce that since my last post I have found a new job and I will, I repeat WILL be returning to my Weight Watchers family and meetings.  They meant so much to me and in the end I let my pride push me away from them.  NO LONGER!!  With that being said I am going to close this post by saying this, if you are still with me thank you for supporting me in both my highs and my lows and if you no longer want to deal with my "shenanigans" so be it.  I can't blame anybody for losing faith in me but at the same time I can't focus on them either.  I can't let negativity anchor me anymore.  Peace, love, and blessings to all.  To be continued...

 

 

 

Part 33 - Making Hard Choices

     Hello and welcome to the latest edition of my blog, The Rendering.  This is Part 33 - Making Hard Choices.  I will get to an explanation for this week's title all in good time but I think I will start with April's weigh-in.  As you know, if you have been following my journey, have decided to change up a few things and only weigh-in at the beginning of each month.  I am doing this so that I am no longer obsessing over a number on a scale.  I found that this was a huge source of stress so I want to go back to a method that has been proven to work for me in the past.  So here is the first of my monthly weigh-ins...

      So there it is, April's weight.  I started this month 4 lbs. lighter than the last time I posted a weigh-in.  I am happy with the 4 lbs. because a loss is a loss and I am now that much closer to my goal.  I have now returned to a total weight loss of 66 lbs.  I know that I was down a good deal more but that is not a fact I will dwell on.  I am slowly gaining ground and I am keeping my eye on the prize.  
     I feel like I owe you all and explanation as to why I did not have a post for last week.  It is a rather simple explanation as to why.  I normally post my blog on Sundays as you all can see, but I start gathering ideas and mapping out the theme and structure throughout the week.  That, however, was not the case last week.  I had to work a lot and then I had mandatory overtime on Saturday.  That chewed up a lot of my time that I would normally spend on the blog.  When Sunday rolled around, if I am being totally honest, I knew that day was going to be a complete bust as far as writing was concerned.  This past Sunday I had church in the morning and I didn't want to miss that, then directly after church I hit the road to my God-children's house.  Yes indeed folks, last Sunday after  church belonged to...

      Now before you judge me for liking the male-based soap opera that is professional wrestling please take a look at what your own guilty pleasures are.  We all like something that others would judge us for so why judge?  I have been a fan of professional wrestling since 1985 and I have watched pretty much every single mania since so I am sorry that I didn't get a blog posted but  I am not going to give up a chance to hang out with some of my favorite people on the planet and enjoy the showcase of the immortals!!  I was not able to get home until later the next day and I had some dental work done which took up what remaining free time I had to write.
     There, you have my explanation and if that is not good enough for some what can I say?  C'est la vie!  
     So, that leaves us with this week's current post and why I have titled it "Making Hard Choices".  I have mentioned over the past few months that I was going through some troubling times with my employment right now.  A short while ago a large number of employees where I work, including myself, were notified that the company was going to have to implement a mass layoff.  Now, the details and actual dates of when we are to be laid off have not been set in stone and there is always talk of a possible extension to the layoff but, with that being said, as the tentative date approaches we can only sit back and wait to see what will happen.  This approaching change in my life is what has forced me to make some hard choices concerning my financial status.  I am sadly announcing that after much consideration, I have decided to cancel my Weight Watchers membership.  I want all that have followed me throughout this journey, especially all of those from Weight Watchers that have been a true support system for me, to know that I am not cancelling my membership in any way, shape, or form due to any dissatisfaction with the program or anybody involved with it.  I truly do have much love in my heart for all of the wonderful people that I have met through Weight Watchers.  I could not have found the success that I have managed so far without all of their support.  I think the program itself is wonderful and is a great tool for anybody battling with weight issues.  I would encourage anybody who needs to drop some of those bothersome pounds to check it out and give it a whirl.  I have every intention of returning to the program when I am more financially stable but for now I need to focus on, for lack of a better term, trimming some of the fat or tightening my belt a little bit.  You can feel free apply whichever term you like.
     So that only leaves one question to be asked but I need a little participation from you readers here.  When you read this next question please do so in your best 1940's radio guy voice...

     WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE?!?!?!  Well, as far as my future is concerned along my weight loss journey, I don't have a crystal ball to gaze into and even if I did I must admit that I do not hold much confidence in the fortune telling abilities of some shiny doodad.  I believe more along these line...

      I will create my own path into the future and you can bet the farm that after all I have gone through on this journey so far, I will see this through to the end, Weight Watchers or not.  I have spoken with several members of my WW support group and they are still going to have my back so I will still have the support I just won't have the online tools for tracking and I won't be able to attend the meetings for now.
     I will leave it at that for this week.  Even though the path ahead may look a bit hazy, I will continue to walk my own path and I will continue to trust in God to lead me where He wants me to be.  I am surrounded by support and I have done this before so I can do this again.  Just wait and see!  Thank you all for all of the love and support and stick around, the best is yet to come.  May God bless you all in your own journeys no matter where they may lead you.  To be continued...