Part 39 - Things That Go Bump In The Night....in my head

     Welcome back to yet another installment of my blog...The Rendering!!  Let me say thank you to all of you that take the time to listen to my ramblings.  It means a great deal to have your support.   
    I apologize to you all for not having a post last weekend but to be honest I was a bit under the weather but I was also very busy.  I was trying to get a lot done in a little time and I actually got quite a bit accomplished.  So moving on to this week.
    I am going to show you the weight that I took at my home this week.

  

     In my last post I gave you the weight from the surgeon's office of 640 lbs.   That weight is taken fully clothed and this is taken in just my boxer shorts.  I did the calculations and this would be right around 630 lbs. in the surgeon's office so that means I am still down 10 more pounds!  I'm getting there.

     I have had so many things spinning around in my head this week that I was having trouble trying to decide what I wanted to write about.  I finally decided that rather than trying to order the thoughts both good and bad and form them into some kind of cohesive sentences I would just let them flow out at their own will and see what happens.  Hold on, I make no promises where we will end up.  
     I have found myself dealing a lot this week with what I call "a bad head space" or "being stuck inside my own head".  Others would call it discouragement or depression, and they wouldn't be totally wrong.  Mostly, however, it is fear and doubt.  I have found that even though I am excited to be going through with this new chapter of my life I am scared to all hell about it.  I have heard from others around me about their own concerns.  Some are scared but supportive, some are scared and doubtful about my decision to go through with surgery, some are excited, possibly more so than I.  I find myself surrounded with all of these opinions and I truly do appreciate all of the input, but I had to decide for myself just what my feelings were.  I came up with this, yes I am afraid of failing, pain, and yes even the possibility of death.  I worry about the finances for the surgery.  I am afraid of letting so many people down that have given me so much support.  Finally, and possibly most of all, I fear being trapped inside this mass of death and robbing myself and those that love me of what remaining years I have left.
     Now, these are all just thoughts that are constantly bouncing around in my head and sometimes they do get me into a dark place.  They will not defeat me though.  I have been blessed with some very special people in my life who have, for whatever the reason, given me inspiration and courage to keep fighting weather they know it or not.  One of these special people took it upon themselves when hearing that I was once again stuck in the dark places of my own mind offer to hop into my mind and spray glitter all over the place.  Now I know that may sound silly to many out there but for ANYBODY, let alone this person to offer to take a trip into the darkness of my mind just to help brighten my day really gave me encouragement.  
     I also will say that I have found encouragement from somebody half my age.  I have found, with great surprise, that there can be great wisdom, inspiration, and encouragement in some of the youth of today.  I would like to share a vlog from one of these young ladies.  My niece Bethany has started publishing a vlog and it is silly, creative, insightful, honest, and for me, super encouraging.  I am going to post one of her videos in my blog this week.  This particular video has encouraged me to overcome many of my fears.  Here it is...

 

I can't stress enough the amount of encouragement that I get from this young lady's silly little videos.  I encourage you all to check her out on Youtube and subscribe to her channel.  Look up "Binya Boozles" and subscribe.  I laughed, I cried, I learned about hamsters.  

     So I will leave you all with what I intend to take away from all of this.  I will have times where I am scared and doubtful and excited but through it all I will be loved by and I will love in return some amazing people.  In the end live or die, succeed or fail, in the words of an amazing young lady..."Go rub your love off on somebody!!".  Thanks for reading and God bless you all.  To be continued...