Part 24 - What if...?

     Welcome all of my friends to Part 24 of The Rendering!

What if...?

     Before I address that question I figured that I would start this week's post right up front with the weight report so here goes...

        There you are, 592 lbs.  That means I have lost 4 lbs. more and that I am gaining ground on getting back to the black again.  I am now at 82 lbs. total lost.  I need to get to 121 lbs. lost to break even and start moving forward again.  Once I hit 553 lbs. everything after that is profit!  Please forgive me if this post is a bit choppy in places.  I am writing it in between walking a 1-mile indoor exercise program.  My sister, who is also doing the 365 miles in 365 days challenge with me, bought me a DVD that offers a 15-minute mile indoor workout.  For me, the pace is killer but I am keeping up and I am loving/hating every second of it.  Don't believe me?

      You tell me.  Is this not the face of a fat guy enjoying a pleasant yet challenging walk all soaked in sweat?  Heck, I am a sweaty, sexy beast!  OK, perhaps you aren't buying it but I tell you what, I am paying the piper and the music is sweet.  

     Now, as I said, it is now time to address the question that this very post is named after.  What if...?  You can end that question with any number of scenarios.  I am more concerned with it being used in the past tense or when it is used to reflect on regrets.  What if...I had kissed that girl?  What if...I had paid more attention in class?  What if...I had turned left?  In my own personal case, the question of "What if...I had never started this journey to lose weight and get healthier where would I be then?"  That answer is simple...

     I would be dead, of that I am certain.  You would be able to call my home and ask for me and you would hear "he's dead!"  If you asked how I died they would simply say "food alright!"  I know that this picture is just a computer-generated picture but it can be quite sobering to actually see your name on a tombstone.  I find that I sometimes need visual aids to push me on and remind me.  Even though I can easily answer that particular what if, it doesn't mean squat.  We cannot change the past and I don't intend to live there.
     I spoke last week about never letting yesterday fill up today and even though we cannot change the actions that we have taken, my point is we can learn from them.  I have learned so much over the past months since I started this journey last July.  I have learned about nutrition, exercise, dedication, and inspiration.  I have learned that I have an amazing support group and that it is just as important to try my best to be there to support others.  Most of all I have learned about myself.  I have learned I am much stronger than I thought and that I will have moments where I stumble or fail and that is just fine.  I have learned to dust myself off and keep stepping forward.  I have learned that I need to let go of the hurts of the past and not use them as excuses.  In all, I have learned that I am a different man than I ever thought I was and that is a good thing.
    One of the most important lessons that I have learned is that I must kill myself.  Now before I get all of you concerned I want you to read the lyrics to this song.

"Kill Myself"

Tim McGraw

I'm gonna clean the house
I'm gonna fix the fence
In my final hours
I'm gonna tie up these loose ends
I wont leave a note
For anyone to find
Tomorrow they'll know
What I've done here tonight
[Chorus]
The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I'm gonna kill myself
Now who is that
In my easy chair
Now wait a minute
That's the old me sittin' there
And I thank God
The devil in me died
I stand before you now
A man changed and alive
[Chorus]
The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I have to kill myself
Gonna clean the house
Gonna fix that fence
In my final hours I'm gonna tie up these loose ends 

     Now, if you have never had the chance to hear this song, please take a moment to look it up on Youtube.  For me this song changed how I look at my life.  I had to kill the old me.  I had to kill the hurtful me.  My favorite part of this song is this...

This is not some kind of cry for help

Just good bye I wish you well

Because I love you

I have to kill myself

     This verse reminds me of possibly the most important lesson I have learned over this journey.  I have learned to love myself.  I can relate these lyrics to my family and friends but I have always loved them fiercely even though I may have done hurtful things to them but I don't think that I have ever loved myself.  I still struggle with depression but I find it easier to handle because I love myself enough to fight now.  

     I have also re-ignited my relationship with God.  I have spoken many times about this now and I am not ashamed to say that I love and worship a mighty, mighty God, a God that loves me enough to die upon a cross for me.  We all have our own beliefs but I believe this and I must fight to honor the life that my God has given me.  I can no longer be irresponsible and destructive with my body.  God gave me life and I MUST live that life to the fullest.  

     This week I have had a very hard struggle with my depression.  We are coming up on the one-year anniversary of my mother's passing so I have been dealing with that.  I have also been dealing with some personal issues with people in my life not being whom or what they appear to be.  All of this was topped off with worries about my employment or the rapidly approaching lack there of.  I was allowing all of this to eat away at my joy but that is when a delicate little bird came to me.  Here is what the bird whispered in my ear.

     The little bird told me, "Remember that you are the son of a King.  The King of Kings and the God of truth."  The bird then told me, "Joy is a choice!  Do not let Satan steal your joy."  I will take this little bird's words and I will speak truth in the face of Satan.  I am the son of, not only a king, but THE KING OF KINGS!  The truth is this, I do have depression but God is the cure.  Yes, I did lose my mother a year ago but the truth is, she is with God and not suffering so I need to celebrate her new life.  Yes, there are people in my life that have not been whom or what they have appeared.  The truth is all people are merely human and just as I do, they to will stumble and fall.  God does not stumble or fall.  In fact, God carries me when I stumble so I will put my faith in Him not them.  Yes, I more than likely will be losing my job in the near future.  The truth is...GOD WILL PROVIDE.  That all being said, I will do my very best to choose joy.  I will take that joy, and you can too in your own life, and press on.  Press on through whatever jungle you struggle with be it depression, weight, anger, no matter what.  Use your joy like a machete and hack away at that jungle.  Never, ever give up.  Persevere and you will find your way through.

 “The only limits to the possibilities in your life tomorrow are the buts you use today.” 

–Les Brown- 

Motivational Speaker

     I have learned a new term this week that I would like to share with you all.  This truly has been an issue for me my whole life and now I know what to call it.  The term his HEDONIC HUNGER.   Hedonic hunger refers to eating for pleasure rather than to satisfy a biological need.  This results in food intake that can override the body’s homeostatic systems for controlling eating and lead to over-consumption of calories.  When I heard this term I was instantly flashed back to a bit of advice my mother used to give me.  She would say, "You should eat to live not live to eat."  I only wished both she and I could have learned that lesson far sooner.  Here is a link to an interesting article about hedonic hunger and its relation to obesity, Hedonic Hunger.

      I guess that I have rambled on long enough this week.  I will end by saying as usual, thank you all for the support.  I have come so far by the grace of God and the support of all of you that read and comment on my blog.  I am truly blessed to have such an amazing support system.  If you pray, I ask that you keep me in your prayers so that I can continue to succeed and stay on God's path.  Also, to update you all, over the course of writing this week's blog I have walked 3 miles.  I have a total of 8 miles walked for the first 12 days of 2014.  Not too shabby for a guy that a few months ago was proud to be able to walk a mere 1/2 mile in under 20 minutes.  I will persevere and I will get to my 365 miles and more!  With that I will say greater things have yet to come, greater things have yet to be done.  Please share this with all that will listen because you never know who needs a revolution to change their own lives.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  Much love and may God bless you all!  To be continued...