Part 22 - 2013, Going out BIG!!!

     Hello.  It is with humility and a humbled heart that I welcome you all to the final post for The Rendering of 2013.  I know that it has been four weeks since my last post and I apologize for that.  I actually have one post that I had intended on posting a couple of weeks ago but I only was able to get it half written.  I know that there are several people that have been disappointed that I have not posted and I truly do apologize to you all.  

     So I guess that the very least I can do is to offer some sort of explanation as to where I have been and why I have not posted in so long.  I would say the simplest answer would be to say that there have not been enough hours in the day to do all that I have been doing.  With the Christmas season here I have been working on many projects.  I have also been attending church regularly on Sundays and I truly do love that.  There has been Christmas parties and shows to attend and family functions to try to fit in.  All in all, I had to make some time cuts somewhere and the blog was the unfortunate best option so it seemed at the time.  

     I have given you all the "simple" answer but it is not the only answer and I must be honest and open with everything I write.  

     I tried to convince myself that the main reason I was not writing was a time issue.  While time was in fact a reason, I knew deep down that I was crumbling and day-by-day I was losing the battle that I have spoken about week in and week out.  I was being a hypocrite and I was humiliated by my own weakness.  I was having an increasingly difficult time dealing with this being the first Christmas without my mom.  I know how she would feel but I still carry the hurt of losing her with me every day.  I have guilt that I can never resolve over choices I made and I have to live with that.  So, I buckled and I sought out the comfort that I know best, food.  

     Seeking comforting food is never easier that around this time of year.  Cookies, candies, and treats of all sorts everywhere you turn.  I cannot blame some mysterious puppet master for working strings hooked to my arms and forcing me to eat.  I, and I alone, made the poor decision to allow my depression, my pain, and my stress to be an excuse to over-indulge.  For most of December I ate horribly.  I stopped going to my Weight Watchers meeting using the excuse of "no time" as well.  I told those that would ask that I was doing "ok" but I never could fully admit the truth.  I was failing, plain and simple.  

     Christmas without my mom was not the only thing pushing me toward the cliff.  I had a short period this past month where I was unable to get my medication that helps me deal with my depression issues and that was the opening everything needed.  I was hit with health issues, shocking I know.  As I gained more weight I felt worse and worse.  I still have no idea where my job is heading and that stresses me out more than I can speak of.  There are also several small internal family strifes that I am dealing with.  I feel pulled in all sorts of directions not sure who to trust.  I also found myself in a discussion with a very dear friend where some very hurtful things were said to me and I recoiled as if snake bit.  All of these things piled up one on the other and I chose the path of the coward.  I ran to a place of comfort, I ran to my addiction, food.  I might as well have been eating frosted bullets because I know just how dangerous what I was doing is.  Every cookie or treat that I over-indulged with was loading one more round into a quickly filling up chamber.  

 

     I wonder if I am the only idiot on this planet that seems to want to play Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun.  I allowed all of these outside sources to chip(what's that) away at me and defeat me.  I didn't pay attention to any of the things I have written and I have paid the price.  

     As you all have seen at the very beginning of this post I have blown up to a weight of 598 lbs.  I managed to gain 41 lbs. over the past month.  Some, as I have said before, may be water weight because I have been dealing with the health issues again but most is just my poor eating.  That drops my overall total weight lost to 76 lbs.  Yes, I am humbled and moreover, humiliated to have to admit this publicly to all that read this but I am not seeking pity or sympathy.  I am owning my failure in these matters.  Nor am I quitting...

        Why give up when I have come so far?  I may have lost a few battles but I have not lost the war!

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” –Margaret Thatcher-

     I have proven time and time again that even though I get knocked down I can get back up and dust myself off.  The only way I EVER intend to give up is if I breathe my last breath.  

“Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.” 

– C.S. Lewis-

     We all must use the times we fail as lessons to know which paths not to take and which paths lead to success.

“My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with you failure.” 

–Abraham Lincoln-

     I can accept that I will have failures but not that all I will have is failures.  If I do not try at all I can guarantee myself no failures but I also guarantee myself no victories if I do not try.  To me, not trying is absolutely NOT acceptable!  So here is my game plan to claw and fight my way back to the top.  

• First and foremost, I declare that I cannot succeed alone and that in this one situation I must give up.  I must give up control to God.  My God is a powerful and awesome force and through Him, I can do anything!
• 2014 is the year for me to be consistent again with attending my Weight Watchers meetings, or for at least as long as I can afford them depending on employment but that too is in God's hands.
• 2014 is the year for me to complete 365 miles in 365 days!  What does that mean?  I have committed to walking 365 miles before the end of the year and I WILL succeed.  I will be logging my walks daily.  Two loops around my neighborhood is one mile so I figure I can do that.
• Being round no longer counts for being in shape!  I have a goal that by this time next year the first number in my weight will be at least a 4!
• There will no longer be ANY hiatus from the blog this year!  I love writing this thing whether I get 1 comment or 50 and I love the support I get from those that read.  I love hearing your stories and successes as well.  
• I am TRACKING my points religiously now.  I must, I no longer wish to spin the barrel and hope it doesn't fire.  NO MORE GAMES!!
• Not only will I be doing the walking but also I am using my exercise bands and weights to get more active in 2014.
• Lastly, I am giving my demons of depression, anger, rage, and negativity to God.  I accept that things are going to attack me and in life bad things happen, but I will fight the hate with love. 

      As I wrap up this week's post I would like to truly thank from my heart, my family and friends that have supported me through this whole journey.  I love you all so much and I could not and cannot do this without you.  I could name you all individually but as I sit here I am realizing that I am far more blessed than I have ever taken notice of.  There are so many of you that have supported me that I am in awe.  I am humbled that you would take your own time to offer me a word or two of encouragement and I thank you for that.  

     I have stated my commitments that I truly intend to keep this year but I would like to ask for help keeping me accountable.  It is easier if I know I have to answer to somebody when I miss a blog or another commitment.  Veronica, you have been such an inspiration to me and I know that if there is anybody that will keep me on task with my blog it is you.  Jeromie, above all of my other friends, you sir, will call me quickest on my self-pitying malarkey no matter how harsh you say it.  You may piss me off sometimes but I appreciate your candor sir.  Sue, keep me sharp on meetings please.  I won't be there this week because it is my Christmas with my Godchildren but I will be at the rest.  Finally, Mama Mudge, you have never let me slide and I love you for it.  You truly are a gift from God on my journey.  What I ask will not always be easy but I will do my best to just shut up and put up.

     I have my family at my home base and my friends as a support net out in the world.  How can I lose now?  Don't feel bad if you were not mentioned by name please.  There are several very special people to me that I just depend on you being there when I am at my lowest and you are.  Thank you. 

     I cannot see into the future, and I know not where 2014 will lead me or what surprises it holds but I will greet each day as a new day of my life and I will thank God for it.  I love you all and spread the word; The Rendering is back and picking up steam again!  Share this with anybody you can and maybe we can change a life or two.  God bless you all!  To be continued...