Part 38 - By Any Means Necessary...

     July 14, 2013...this was the date that the fuse was lit, a fuse that would lead to an explosion that, for better or worse, would alter my life.  This was the date that I launched the inaugural post for The Rendering.  

     When I started this amazing journey so long ago I did so with a number of hopes in mind.  I wanted to change my life by losing a massive amount of weight.  The very weight that had held me captive all of my life and was bound to do so until the day I die.  I wanted to share my journey through this blog so I could reach out and get the support of my friends and family as well as to try to help others who had struggles in one way or another related to weight.  I wanted to open eyes to an all too familiar sight in today's world.  Obesity is a curse that ruins lives of both the obese and of those close to them.  When I started I had my eyes on the prize and was determined to win...

     I lost.  I made several strides and I had limited success but as with any battle the tide can turn and the advantage can be lost in the blink of an eye.  You can reread all of my posts and just looking at the weight measurements you will notice more of an up and down pattern than if you were intently watching a yo-yo master performing.  I had wonderful support from my friends and family and I was working with an amazing and battle-proven program known as Weight Watchers.  The fault for my failure lies with me and me alone.

     I reread my last post that I did back in October.  I found that much of that still held true today.  I still battle several of those same feelings and I am still a man of faith but I am also still very much an addict to food.  That is the fault in my whole plan.  No matter how much support I had or how hard I tried, I just couldn't beat the addiction to food.  The holiday times were hard for me because some of my favorite treats are sweets.  I managed to balloon up to my highest weight yet of 678 lbs.  I was a mess.  My medical problems were getting worse and things were out of control.  I was miserable and I thought back to a dark promise I made to myself when I was 30.

     I won't go into details because I have only ever told 2 people the full story but this promise had some stipulations that as of my 40th birthday would not have been for the best.  That is where the story takes a bit of a turn.  I have said it before that I am a man of faith but that faith can be tested.  I also believe that God will send us angels in disguise.  Disguised as, to say ordinary would not be doing justice, but disguised as unique individuals who are just people that cross your path in life.  God sent me one such angel when I needed this angle most.  Now, to say I understand just what it is that changed in me would be a foolish statement but I can say this, the positive energy that was brought to my life by this angel was profound and removed any remnants of the promise I had made 10 years ago.  This person may never know how special they are to me but all I can say is thank you so very much and I treasure your friendship more than words can express.

      I won't tell you that all things were suddenly coming up roses because they weren't.  I was still in a very dangerous spot health wise and my best laid plans up to this point had met with failure.  I was cornered, so to speak, like a wounded animal.  The thing about a wounded animal is, they have nothing to lose and are very unpredictable.  All they want to do is survive and will do so by any means necessary.  I will make this statement crystal clear to all who doubt me or think that I am a dead man walking...I CHOOSE TO SURVIVE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!

     By that I mean that I have decided to take the one avenue that I had previously tried to avoid.  I have begun the process of undergoing bariatric weight loss surgery.  Back in the beginning of May I traveled to Syracuse to the office of Dr. Graber to have a consultation.  I had been researching all of the processes for this surgery but I certainly received some eye-openers during my consultation.  After a very informative seminar and a one on one meeting with both the surgical nurse and surgeon himself we came to the decision that we could proceed with the surgery. 

     Now it isn't quite that simply but to get the green light to begin the process was quite encouraging.  I underwent some testing for bacteria at the consultation and passed but there are still other tests I must pass to proceed.  I still must have a nuclear stress test, blood work, endoscopy, attend support groups, and meet with a nutritionist and psychologist but I am fairly optimistic that I shall pass those barriers as well.  I also have to participate in a 3 month supervised diet in order to meet the requirements for my insurance to cover this.  I must show at the very least that I have not gained any weight each month or I must start the entire process over again.  

     At my consultation my starting weight was 658 lbs. and the surgeon, Dr. Obradovic, asked me to commit to losing 30 lbs. minimum before surgery.  I was given a special diet to follow and I am doing my best to stick to it more or less with some slight alterations.  I just had my first supervised weigh in on my birthday, June 5th.  At that time my current weight was 640 lbs.  I have lost 18 lbs. in my first month meaning I am almost 2/3rds of the way to the minimum goal my surgeon has set for me.  The folks at the office were very happy with my progress.

     So what lies ahead for me now?  Well, this will be a huge and permanent change in my life and by no means do I think this is a quick fix solution.  Once I have this surgery there are things that I will never have again and there are certain things that I must be very cautious of due to the fact that they could cause me great damage.  The surgery alone has its own risks but they are risks that I am willing to take because the other side of this coin is a slow and painful death by obesity.  There are still other concerns I have about financially being set for this and while several of the people in my life are super supportive and even excited for me, and I can't thank them enough, there are some that have their own doubts or fears of the surgery.  I appreciate their concern but I cannot allow it to impact me negatively or pull my attention from my goals.  I have a new life potentially being laid out before me and I will succeed.  I proclaim this now, I will no longer be the frightened wounded animal trapped in the corner.  I am a predator.  I always have been but now it is awakening.  I intend to no longer wait for things to happen to  me I intend to start taking from life the things that I want, the things that I deserve.  God has made me a strong man and now I need to start embracing the blessings He has given me and claim what belongs to me!

     As I close this post, consider this my battle cry, I am worth fighting for and I intend to do just that BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!