Part 37 - The Final Countdown!!!

     So this is it?  Really??   This is what all of the suspense and countdown was about all week?  I will answer that by simply saying yes.  Allow me to warn you all now that I am not quite certain of where this particular post is going to end up or how I am going to get there but I have decided this, this all must stop and stop now! 

     I guess I should explain a bit about what has been going on in my head over the past few months.  Even though I have tried several times and I have tried to find different methods to find more success I have failed in every attempt.  I have met with some limited success but I recently went back through my posts and I found myself discouraged and disgusted.  I saw all of the success that I had worked so hard for just pissed away by my own selfishness. 

     I sit back and take a good look at who I am and was and who I want to be and I see only this, I hate who I was, I detest  who I am, and as for who I want to be, I see only hopelessness.  I find my words hollow and hypocritical.  I find myself dumbfounded by the fact that I was able to write some of the things that I wrote and that I was able to convince myself that I believed in the positivity of those messages.  Sure, yeah, I believed in them, right up to the point that I would stuff some grotesquely unhealthy food in my face.  Why would I do such a thing?  I don’t have an answer.  What do you want me to say?  I like eating, plain and simple.  I like the flavors and textures.  Sometimes it is just because I am bored and the whole ritual of eating is all I need to break the boredom.   There are times that, to put it bluntly, I am a mindless eating machine.  I have no real concern for others or their feelings.  All I ever am concerned with is what the next thing is that I can cram into my open maw. 

     As I have mentioned before, I have dealt with some deep-seated depression for most of my life.  I understand that by telling you all this I am not breaking any new ground but I am not sure that I have ever conveyed to you all effectively just how bad my depression is.  I have never fully exposed the true torture chamber that is in my own mind.  I have never before truly exposed the raw nerve of my soul so that everybody else could appreciate my pain, my suffering.

     So allow me to show you one of the greatest truths I have come to realize and accept throughout my journey…I am not going to die, I AM DEAD ALREADY!  I am in a battle that I cannot win, nor do I want to anymore.  This monster, this killer has already devastated my life by taking my mother and leaving me with a hole in my very soul, a hole so large that it hemorrhages all of my hopes and dreams.  A hole that I pray every day allows the very life force to seep from me and will carry me off into the darkness where there is no more pain or suffering. 

     As much as I hope for the end to come to me, I am equally terrified of finally closing my eyes for the very last time.  I have tried to be a man of faith but I am also a man of logic and I find it extremely hard to believe in something I cannot prove.  I am terrified that perhaps I am right in thinking when the last breath leaves my foul corpse that is it, just nothingness.  I am terrified that perhaps my mother has suffered such a similar fate and she also is no more.  I am angry that for some reason my life has been chosen to be a life of suffering and failure.  So angry, in fact, that at times I wished I could hold the world in my hands and crush it into dust so that everyone could feel the pain and suffering that goes on in my mind. 

     I have found myself bitter and angry at those that find success and happiness in this life.  Those that have someone special that knows them so well that they can communicate without words.  I am enraged that so many people that don’t appreciate what they have can simply overlook how special holding a hand or an embrace truly is.  I am enraged that they have something that they do not deserve and I have spent 39 years on this filthy rock never having experienced a love of that level being returned to me.  I HATE THEM FOR IT!!

     I am a failure at everything I put my hand to.  I find that as I get older and fatter that I am less and less successful at all of the things that I attempt.  So, do the math, not only am I a failure but I have managed to become better at failing just by stuffing wretched food into my dumb face! 

     I have come to accept that I am also a burden to everyone around me.  I need to have special accommodations made for me at every turn, special chairs at work, home, doctor’s office, etc.  I have to customize my seat in my car and I have had to go as far as getting a specialized toilet to handle my immense girth!  Here’s one for you all, have a good chuckle at my expense.  I have to use baby powder by the case just to avoid being “the smelly fat guy” in public.  Yeah, that’s not too detrimental to myself esteem that there is literally powder that gets over anything and everything that I am around but hey, I don’t stink.  I guess the embarrassment was all worth it right?

     So there you all have it.  This is exactly where my head has been for the past few months.  Not a pretty place to be but that is one of the only ways I know how to explain the living nightmare I go through every second of every day.  As I said, I have come to a decision, THIS ALL MUST STOP AND STOP NOW!!!  I came to this decision by using a highly complicated, scientific tool, Facebook.  Now, there are but two questions to be answered…what method should I use to stop all of this and what exactly is “all of this”?

     Let’s address my highly complicated, scientific tool first shall we?  I was in one of my mindless funks and I was bouncing around Facebook wallowing in my own pathetic stench and self-hate when my Facebook compass spun around and pointed me in the direction I needed to return to.  I found a simple statement posted by a person that I highly respect that seemed out of place but it would prove to be just what I needed.  This is what it said…

FACEBOOKER 1 - I heard the devil's voice today......

     This is the bit that seemed out of place to me because this man is truly a man of God.  The following statements where a wakeup call for me.

FACEBOOKER 2 - What did he say?

Wait for it….here is the big AH HA!

FACEBOOKER 1 - what he said does not matter because they are all lies. "If God is for us then who can be against us". Romans 8:31

     There it is, plain as day.  Three simply comments that took three months of anger, depression, hopelessness, hatred, and self-loathing and forced it away like a light bulb forces the darkness away.  I AM A MAN OF FAITH!  I had just started listening to the lies of the enemy and believed that they all were of my own making.  I have a God that loves me and even if I don’t know what exactly His plan for me is, I know that He has one.  I know that I WILL see my mother again one day and though I miss her every day, this too was done in God’s time and was a part of His plan.  I know she isn’t suffering anymore and I know that even though she had her own issues, she and I have had long conversations and she did indeed know the Lord and tried to live her life as a good person. 

     I will not say that the feelings of depression will go away but I will say that I can better see them now as the lies that they are.  I still have issues with my weight and many of the other things that I mentioned but I did succeed once and I will do so again.  I am surrounded by people that love me and support me.  As far as all of that other love stuff goes, perhaps I will find it perhaps I won’t but it is in God’s time and His plan. 

     I know that this may all sound silly or like a load hogwash but I am excited to be writhing again.  I found that I was no longer enjoying writing my blog.  Perhaps, it was the depression or the fact I was not doing well losing weight but I am once again excited.  As for the countdown this past week, that was just something fun to get your attention.  Perhaps you saw it or perhaps not but I can tell you that several people were dying to know what it was all about.  This is it.  As of 7:00 PM on Sunday, October 11, 2014 I have put a stop to all of the lies that I had believed and I am once again walking in the truth of God’s plan for me.  I am 638 lbs. and I am embracing what I know and the love and support from those around me to once again start bringing this number down. 

     For the first time in a long while I can say I feel happy and I am encouraged.  I will once again invite you all to join me but if you choose not to, I know this; I am not on this journey alone, because I walk with my Lord and Savior.  Next post I will address the things that have been enablers in my path and I will update you all where I stand.  I know this has been an up and down road but I want to truly thank you all for walking it with me.  Much love from the Fat Guy and God bless you all!  To be continued…