Part 28 - What Do You Fear?

     Hello and welcome back!  I am so excited that you all have made it to Part 28 of The Rendering.  I have had a pretty rough couple of weeks lately and I have found myself toiling over what I wanted to write.  I poured out a lot of emotion in my last post and I almost feel like I have to try to top that.  I then think, why do I have to try to top anything?  This isn't a competition for writing a better and better post but rather a simple forum where I can express my feelings, thoughts, and concerns about my life and my journey to become healthier.  So I ask you...

      Yes, I want to know what you fear but I will not ask that without giving you some explanation.  If I am to be fully honest, and I think I have done a pretty good job of that so far, I ask this question to comfort myself a bit.  Everyday of my life I wake up with fear.  I fear little stupid things but I also fear more serious issues.  Now, I know that everyone has fear but hearing from others that have been a support system for me helps to make me feel not so alone in my fear.  

      So tell me, is it spiders that you are afraid of??  Huh?  Huh?  Ok, ok, now I am just messing around.  Let me tell you a bit about my fears. If I am being honest with not only you all but also myself, I think that one of my major fears is my fear of failing at this journey.  I fear letting each and every person that has shown me support down.  I fear telling you all when I slip or "fall off the wagon".  I fear what I am about to post and I think it is that fear has truly hindered me in getting the last two posts out.  I will face that fear right now and let the consequences be what they may.

     There it is.  There is one of my biggest fears.  I have had a major failure.  I fell off the wagon and I put on a bunch of the weight that I have worked so hard to lose.  As you may recall, I reported that my weight as of the February 2, 2014 post was 587 lbs. and now it is 618 lbs.  I put on 31 lbs. in a matter of 20 days.  I know that I have slipped a few times in the past and I was fighting back but this time it was a bit different.  I have spoken with my doctor and just like last time, I can attribute the massive increase in weight over such a short period of time to my medical conditions and edema but that feels like an excuse to me.  I can't tell you why this time was so different to me but I know that I gave in to my temptations and ate a lot of really bad things for me.  I mainly found myself eating a lot of sugar and we all know the evils of sugar.  I have failed and I have confessed my failure to you all publicly, you that have been such a great support system for me.

      I have faced my fear of admitting my failure to the world and I can honestly say that the fear is disappearing.  I still feel bad that I have disappointed so many people by not grasping success the way that I had hoped for but I cannot un-eat the garbage that I have eaten so I won't dwell on it.  

     I also fear that I am battling a monster inside me.  I fear that even though I proclaim that I want to lose weight and become healthier I will always revert to my gluttonous ways and lose control of that monster.  There is a Christian rock band called Skillet that performs a song titled Monster.  You can find the song on YouTube but I will post the lyrics here.

MONSTER

by Skillet

The secret side of me I never let you see

I keep it caged, but I can't control it

So stay away from me, the beast is ugly

I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls

It comes awake, and I can't control it

Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head

Why won't somebody come and save me form this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster, I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key

I keep it caged, but I can't control it

'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down

Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster, I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp

There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart

No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream

Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I'm gonna lose control, He's something radical

I must confess that I feel like a monster 

     As I listened to this song it rang more and more true to me.  As I stated earlier I fear the monster inside of me.  Not just a monster that gets angry and full of rage but a monster that controls me.  During this whole journey I have battled this monster.  I call it a monster but you can call it what you like, temptation, failure, or addiction.  No matter what you call it, I have to confess that battle as hard as I might, I can't control it.  If you have read my last post then you may already know where I have once again found myself headed if not, here it is.  The reason I fail, the very reason that I fear failing is that I have put far too much "I" into this battle.  I need to surrender all of my being, all that is I to God and have faith in Him that He will provide me with this victory.  I must confess to Him that I feel like a monster at times and I must realize that those feelings are all lies, lies from the world, lies from the enemy of truth, lies from the father of all lies, Satan.  

       I believe this is true but the enemy whispers the stories we tell ourselves to us.  Now, I won't tell you how to believe nor will I expect everybody to believe what I say, but this is about my journey and my beliefs.  I know that even though I have tried and fought with some success that I will not truly win until I have total faith in God my father for victory in His name.

       I am not the first person that has come to a realization that total faith in God to provide a victory is the path to success.  If you don't recognize this picture it depicts the story of David and Goliath.  The whole story can be found in 1 Samuel chapter 17 of the Bible.  David stepped forth in faith to defeat the massive Goliath and defeat him he did indeed!  God gave David the victory over his monster and David had total faith that God would do just that.  

     I realize that over the past few months my blog posts have been evolving more and more toward speaking about God and my relationship with Him and my walk in faith.  I do not do this with any intent to be "preachy" but I am not going to be ashamed to speak of the wonders that God is working in my life.  I made a promise to be truthful from the beginning about my journey and I am going to keep that promise.  Part of that truth is that God is doing a mighty work in my life.  I still have a long way to go but I am so excited to know that I have a mighty God that loves me and wants me to have victory over my fears and my monsters.  I have been told by so many people that my blog is an inspiration to them and just being able to write this blog inspires me and it has shown me many ways that God can change a life.  If you have never known the love of God I can attest that there is nothing more wonderful than to have the Lord God in your heart and your life.  If you struggle as I have with your own journey of any type just look into God.  I am not saying you have to believe or join some "club" but what can it hurt to take a peek.  There is a loving God that wants to know us all and to give us victory in our lives.  Believe me when I say to you that I NEVER thought I would be in a position where I would say these things but I am and I tell you now that even though I have fears and I am just now learning to accept the need for total surrender to God, my fears are melting away.  

     I have shown you my failure and I have confessed that I cannot do this by myself but I will proclaim this as well, I WILL NOT GIVE UP THE FIGHT!  I am just regrouping again.  I say again, as I have in the past, thank you.  Thank you to all of you who have shown me so much love and support.  I will understand if you choose to no longer read or follow my journey based on my yo yo results but I promise you this, the best is yet to come.  As you have all supported me I want you all to know that I am also here to support you.  I will keep writing and even if it is just to chat I am easy enough to reach.  I pray that I can be an example to the world of God's mighty power to change lives.  I will end this post here for this week.  Please share this on your pages and twitters.  Perhaps we can inspire somebody that is just about to give up.  Perhaps we can change a life or two.  Thank you again and may God bless you all.  To be continue...

Part 27 - A Leopard Can't Change His Spots

     Hello and once again welcome to my blog, The Rendering.  Before you sits Part 27 - A Leopard Can't Change His Spots.  Let's jump right in shall we?  I am sure that you have all heard the phrase "A leopard can't change his spots."  It is an old phrase that comes from the bible and basically it is something that you say which means that a person's character, especially if it is bad, will not change, even if they pretend it has.  Pretty straight forward as you can see.

     For now I will leave that there and I will move on to bit about me.  Now, I fully understand that by now, Part 27, you all should, at the very least, have a basic understanding about who I am but I am not sure that I have ever fully shared my true nature.  I have always tried to be as open and honest with my posts as possible but just recently I have come to realize that I have not been being honest with myself.

     So, let me start with what is true and already out there.  My name is Michael Sean Manzer, true.  I am 38 years old, true.  I am 6'3.5", true.  When I started this journey that you all have followed me on I weighed an astounding 674 lbs., true.  For any of you that may not be able to visualize what that is like, get yourself a couple of your daring friends and see if they are willing to hang off of your neck, then try to walk around.  That was how I lived my life and that was how my life was being stolen from me day-by-day and minute-by-minute.  The last truth is that as of this post I weigh...

     Yes, I am down 2 lbs. since last week and 87 lbs. since the start.  Sure, I was down more a while ago but I did gain some back.  Such is life.  Now, I want to share with you some of my true nature, things that I find painful to admit but by the end you will understand why I am revealing this.  

     Here are some more truths, some obvious and some not so much.  Truth, I am lazy.  I always seek the easiest path to the greatest reward.  Truth, I am self-centered, arrogant, and conceited in some things.  Truth, I am quick to anger bordering on rage and quicker to accept depression and hopelessness.  Truth, I am foul mouthed and crude and I quite often find it easy to turn on those around me to take focus off of myself.  Truth, I like girls that are tattooed and pierced and slightly twisted.  Truth, I can be very childish.  I watch cartoons, and collect marbles, comic books, and toys, that yes I have been known to play with.  Truth, I am horrible with time management, cash management, and as evident by that fact that at the age of 38 I have moved back into my parents house, life management.  Truth, I am socially obnoxious and awkward.  I do not interact with people easily.  I can put forth an over-the-top persona when all I want to do is hide.  Truth, I have been known to use people for what they are worth and discard them.  Truth, I have battled addiction in one form or another all of my life.  Obviously, food is at the forefront but I have had my own addiction issues with alcohol and pills as well.  Truth, these are my leopard spots...

     ...or more accurately for me, my leopard slug spots.  These are some of my darker spots that have been with me all of my life.  I have to accept that this is my nature.  I have other truths both good and bad but these are the ones that I am confessing now.  The ones that matter to my story, my journey.  When I accept that this is my nature I must also accept that no matter how hard I struggle, persevere, and strive to, I, just as the leopard, cannot change my spots.

     At this point I can understand if you are all a bit confused.  Here are a few more truths to clear the air up a bit.  Truth, I do not seek your pity.  Truth, I am NOT giving up.  Truth, I WILL, BEYOND ALL DOUBT, BEAT THIS WEIGHT PROBLEM.  Truth, I CANNOT CHANGE MY SPOTS!  Lastly, TRUTH...I AM A CHILD OF A MIGHTY AND POWERFUL GOD!!

      There is no greater truth to me right now than "A leopard can't change his spots" but the part I have over looked for so long is this, God Almighty Himself made the leopard and every spot that the leopard wears.  God Himself also made me and all of my spots.  I can't change my spots but I am beyond convinced that if God can make this...

     ...the majestic platypus (oh yes he is back!), if He can create such a wonder, then He can change my spots.

     Again, I can't change my spots but God can and will.  It is said that you must be broken down to be built up.  You must hit rock bottom to realize the only way left is up.  I have been broken down and I am at the rock bottom and I am weak.  All of these things are truth.  So is this...

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (NIV)

 ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

     Please, I ask, do not just read this and dismiss this.  It is in accepting this that my whole life is changing.  God has given me so many blessings to make me strong in my weakness.  He has provided me with wonderful and encouraging family and friends.  He has given me such a wonderful support system, from all of you that read this, to my Weight Watchers group, to even the fine people that I work with.  My spots have and still are changing and believers or not, you all have been placed in my life by God to help me.  I will never give up because I have a purpose and I have a responsibility to try to live my life to glorify God.  

     I have no words that will express my gratitude for the generosity shown to me and the love that I feel.  It brings tears to my eyes that, even I, someone that I thought was so lost, can be so blessed.  I will never tell someone how to believe but I will say that if you feel lost, alone, or in despair, angry or vile, if you think you are unable to change your spots, I know somebody that feels differently.  

     I will end this week's post at this point.  I know that I have not stayed specifically on "weight loss" but I have tried to show you what is on my heart and how it relates to my journey.  I can only say this, when I took my first step on this journey, when the doctor looked at me and said "You are going to die" and I said no I am not, I never expected my life to change as it is.  I knew that I was going to be getting healthier and losing weight but I would never have thought in a million years that God would remove weight from my soul as well.  

     You may have noticed that I have ended each post in similar fashion but I will be simple this week.  The leopard can't change his spots but the leopard never was holding the paintbrush.  If God can change me and make me strong when I am weak I welcome the challenges and I trust His promises.  I love you all and may God help you change the spots in your life that need changing.  God bless you.  To be continued...    

 

    

Part 26 - A Kindness In Need Is A Kindness Indeed

     Welcome everybody to Part 26 of The Rendering! This will be the 2nd post for this weekend.  Technically, the first post today was supposed to be last week's entry but it was delayed due to "technical" issues and taxes.  I have resolved all of those issues and I am now on fire for writing this week's actual post so...HERE WE GO! 

     With that being said please allow me to hit you all up front with the numbers portion of the post...

     There it is, the back on track weigh in.  Yes, sadly I am only down 3 lbs. but they are 3 lbs. closer to my goal!  Like I said before, don't punish yourself for one day, just get back on track and that is just what I am doing.  I must admit however, the last few months have been a little daunting to me.  There have been parties, cookies, and candies all laid out before me like a mine field.  Oh yeah, there was eggnog too!  Oh sweet, sweet eggnog how you tested me!  A test that I stumbled a bit with and I am now paying for with a bit of collateral damage but I will soldier on!

          So now that we've put that messy business behind us I would like to speak about a much over-looked but simple act, kindness.

      To me that statement says it all.  No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.  If this is true, why is it that we, and I mean all of us as people, why do we pass up so many opportunities to share a simple kindness.  In my opinion, it is because we take for granted that perhaps either somebody else will do it or it doesn't matter.  Now don't get me wrong, for the most part, we do this unintentionally.  Imagine if you can, how much different and better our world would be if we consciously performed more simple acts of kindness.

     Everyday we walk about, going through the busy hustle and bustle of our daily lives while there are people in need, people whose stories we do not know, all around us.  I myself am guilty of just passing by and not taking notice of those in need of a simple kindness.  I am not trying to say that we must spend all of our time trying to solve every single problem we see but you never know how you may change a person's life by showing some simple kindness.  As I reflect upon my own life I have moments that stand out glaringly, moments where somebody paid me a simple kindness.  Moments that I feel have changed me or influenced me in life.  I would like to share a few of those moments with you now.

     One such moment that stands out to me is from many, many years ago.  Twenty-four years to be more precise.  I was in eighth grade and as I have mentioned many times before, I was a bit introverted in my youth.  I am not sure how other schools worked but the school that I attended had an eighth grade dance around the end of the year.  I would not have normally attended such a thing because it was just not my "scene".  Heck, I am not even sure I had a "scene" then or now for that matter.  Anyway, I had been convinced to attend so I did.  I dressed relatively nicely and went against my better judgment.  When I got to the dance, as was usual, I had several of my classmates staring and making comments.  This was the very same reason I avoided these types of functions to begin with.  The place was beautiful and, even better for me, dimly lit.  The music was loud and I figured that I would be able to disappear into the shadows and hang out until it was time to leave back to the safety of my home.  A short time passed and it was working!  I had found a place where my predator-like classmates couldn't or didn't rather take much notice of me.  Now, I can't say that I was having a very good time but I was surviving, then it happened.  "She" came over to me.  You may ask "she"?  So I will say this, there weren't many of the girls who paid much attention to me but there was one girl that I shared several classes with who always just treated me very well and it was this girl that came up to me at my eighth grade dance.  She had found me sitting in the shadows just trying to serve my time and she forced me to go out and dance with her.  She was bound and determined to force me to enjoy myself and it worked.  I actually enjoyed myself very much the rest of that dance and I didn't let anybody steal that from me.  That was a simple act of kindness that changed a horribly uncomfortable and disastrous night into a great memory that, to this very day, has endured in my heart.  That young lady will always be a very special person to me even though we rarely get to talk much anymore.

     That was just one example of how a simple act of kindness changed my life.  Kindness breeds kindness at times as well.

     Let's fast forward a bit now.  We are now in the very early part of the 2000's but I don't remember what year exactly.  Really, who cares what year exactly but I digress.  I was working for a company called Nationwide Credit Inc. or NCI for short.  I was a unit manager there and even though I made good money I had run into some financial difficulties that I wasn't really sure how I was going to get out from under.  Now, as it was, I didn't say anything about my money problems but just kept trudging along.  One day, while on my lunch, one of my fellow unit managers came to me and asked if he could talk to me.  He pulled me aside and told me a story of how somebody had come to him years before and given him some cash because he had been on that person's heart.  They told him that the cash was a gift and did not need to be repaid.  There were no strings attached to this gift with the exception of one.  Somewhere down the road when he was able, there would come a time that his heart would be heavy with the name of somebody in need.  When this happened, they asked him to pay forward the gift.  This is what my friend was doing when he pulled me aside.  He told me that he didn't know what the problems were but I had been on his heart and that this money he had was now mine but with the same stipulations.  He could not have known then but the amount he gave me was just what I needed and I have always been grateful to him for his kindness.  I have since been able to pay forward the gift he gave me and I found that showing that kindness made many people feel good.  

     Lastly I will tell you of a very, very recent act of kindness that was bestowed upon me.  So recent in fact that it is only hours old.  As most of you know from my writings I have been dealing with numerous health issues due to my weight.  Now even though my issues are getting better I still have a long way to go until I can say I am healthy if ever.  So due to my health being so poor I have had some issues with working my full schedule.  The lack of hours worked directly results in a much smaller paycheck as you may well have guessed and let me tell you that in today's world it is harder and harder to make a dollar stretch.  I knew to myself that I was scraping the bottom of the barrel to find gas money this week but I really wasn't saying a lot about it.  Out of the blue as I left church services this morning I found an envelope that had been left on the dashboard of my van.  It simply had written on it, Mike, God bless you.  Inside this envelope was enough cash to get me through and then some.  I still do not know who is the giver of such a wonderful gift but I know that God has used another person to show me kindness. 

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."

- Mark Twain -

 

     In the end, there are several other times that I can speak of where I have been shown a kindness that truly made my life so much for the better but I have just given a small example.  It is for reasons like this that I say "A kindness in need is a kindness indeed."  Showing kindness isn't just a nice thing, or the right thing, or the Godly thing, it can truly make a difference in a life.  You may very well save a life by sharing a bit of your time and heart with someone else in need.  You will also find that your simple act of kindness will lighten your spirit as well.

     Throughout this journey of mine I have been shown many kindnesses and have found that I try to spread love over hate more often than not anymore.  I know that I say thank you in each and every post for my blog but I truly mean it from the very bottom of my heart.  Without the love and support that you all have shown me I am not sure just where I would be today so I say again thank you so very much.  I will say good-bye for this week but please remember greater things have yet to come, greater things have yet to be done.  Please share not only this blog with all that will listen but take a few moments to share some simple kindnesses with those in need.  You may very well be the person that shows a kindness that causes the pendulum to swing the other way in somebody's life.  You never know who needs some love and kindness to change their own lives.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  Much love and may God bless you all!  To be continued...    

Part 25 - Not All Of The Baby Turtles Make It

     I humbly welcome you all to Part 25 of The Rendering, Not All Of The Baby Turtles Make It.  I would like to first apologize for the tardiness of this past week's post but I got side-tracked by taxes last weekend and when I tried to post this post last night I ended up with computer issues that, for some reason, wouldn’t let me finish and post.  I am just now getting around to finishing up and posting last week’s post.  There will be two posts this weekend to catch me up.  I find it hard to believe that I have made it this far with writing this blog.  It seems like it was just yesterday that I wrote my first post and now we are on Part 25!  To that I say thank you.  I have had many ups and downs since I began, but overall this has been a very positive experience for me.  Please keep in mind that this post reflects numbers from last week.  Now, on to the post!  I am going to be a bit different this week but we will get into that in a bit.  To start off, here is this week's numbers...

      Yes folks, that is correct, there has been no change in my weight since my last weigh-in.  I won't say that I wasn't slightly disappointed when I stepped upon the scale this week because quite frankly, I had high hopes.  I have been tracking my points with my Weight Watchers program religiously and I have been exercising far more than normal.  I have been doing workout routines using free weights and resistance bands as well as continuing to compete in the 365 miles in 365 days challenge.  As of this week's post I have walked 9 miles leaving me with 356 miles left to go.  The challenge is to walk or run 365 miles over the 2014-year.  I am starting off slow because I am so not used to doing this much walking but like the tortoise in the classic "tortoise and the hare" story, slow and steady will win this race.  Not only will I meet this challenge but also I intend to CRUSH IT!  
     Yes, slightly disappointed but not discouraged.  I have to make some adjustments to what I eat.  Even though I am eating within my allowed Weight Watchers points, I think that I can make better choices in how I fill those points and that will help me shed more pounds than I currently am.  I am also keeping in mind that my progress should not be measured by the number on the scale alone but by the non-scale victories as well.  By this I mean that my clothes, more specifically my belt, are fitting looser.  I have more energy, as is obvious by my new walking routine, and my endurance seems to be improving.  As I have stated since the beginning, I will have weeks where I not only lose weight but also weeks where I break even or gain some back.  The trick is to have more losses than the other two. 

     Now, as I mentioned at the beginning of this week's post, I am doing something a bit different.  I am going to brave a subject that has bothered me for a long time.  I warn you all now that this will only, very loosely, be related to weight loss but it is rooted deep within my own personal story.  I have had my own experiences with this issue, as you have previously read, but it is recent occurrences in the media that have really lit a fuse for this issue with me.  I want to talk about the subject of "bullying" and "school shootings".  

 BULLYING

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

     OK, so there you have it laid out before you in black and white, today's definition of bullying as we are teaching our children.  I have a question for those of you that read this.  In your opinion, is bullying a new thing?  Sure, I understand that there may be new delivery methods for bullies to use but honestly, is the act of bullying a new practice?  As I have talked about in previous posts, I myself have been a victim of bullying.  I endured what seemed to me to be endless taunting on several levels but mostly because of my weight.  I will admit that I chose poorly and turned to food for comfort and perhaps had I not been treated so badly by my peers and just people in general I would not have made the choice to eat as uncontrollably as I did but perhaps I would have.  What is absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt for sure is, I would not have EVER turned a gun on those that I was bullied by.  

     So, with all of that said, please allow me to answer my own question of "Is bullying a new thing?" by saying certainly not.  What is new however, is how we are teaching our children to deal with bullies.  I figure that as long as I was going to open this can of worms, I might as well dump them all out.  Back when I was in school I never had to worry about someone coming in, guns blazing, intent on ending lives.  Sure, there were the occasional fistfights but that was it, it ended there.  So why is it that today, in this world, do we see more and more school shootings?  There are those out there that would absolutely love us to believe that there are more shootings because there are more firearms.  There have always been guns and I know that this fact will piss off the anti-gun folks but the AR-15, which is a common firearm in many of these school shootings, was designed in 1957 so you might say these weapons have been around for a while.  I will not, however, exonerate firearm owners from all responsibility in these incidents because, as a responsible firearm owner, we all MUST take ownership of the need to properly keep any and all firearms and ammunition locked away.  Gun safes, trigger locks, and locked ammo boxes are non-negotiable.  If you legally own a weapon it is your responsibility to protect it from those that would misuse it either on purpose or accidentally.  It is also the responsibility of all parents and firearm owners that if you have a firearm in a place that also has children around, we should teach them proper firearm safety and handling procedures not just simply that it is "not to be touched".  Children are curious, and as most of you know, tend to "bend" some rules, so remember a little knowledge could save a life.

     If the guns are not the cause of these shootings then what is?  It is my opinion that we are raising up generations of children that are, for lack of a better phrase, "too soft".  I know that sounds harsh to say but I believe that if we did not coddle our children perhaps they wouldn't be so over-sensitive and could handle bullying in a different manner.  

       I have never felt the need to resolve my issues with bullies with firearms because I had some amazing parents.  They taught me several lessons that helped me to deal with bullies.  One of those lessons was that bullying is a part of life and it is going to happen.  They taught me that I had to stand up for myself.  They, by no means, advocated violence and have always taught me to stand up for myself with my words and to walk away but they also taught me that sometimes you have to physically stand up to a bully when there is no other option.  Yes, perhaps if I threw hands with a bully I would lose but perhaps, just maybe, I wouldn't and the bully would learn a lesson or even respect me. 

  “The world is not the most pleasant place.  Eventually your parents leave you and nobody is going to go out of their way to protect you unconditionally.  You need to learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe and sometimes, pardon my language, kick some ass.” 

– Queen Elizabeth II -

     In the end, yes, bullying hurts but it doesn't kill and it is our responsibility as shepherds for a new generation to teach them that killing isn't the answer to bullying.  Let's get to the root of why these shootings are happening.  We should not only teach our children to not be a "victim" and how to handle bullying but we must also teach them compassion.  I know this will be hard for some to accept but if some of our children are being bullied that means that some of our children are bullies as well.  We as adults and parents are tasked with ending these incidents from both sides.  I started this blog with the intention to show perhaps even one person that bullied me how much bullying hurt me growing up but to also show others that I survived and was made stronger for it.  Teach our children that their mind is the most powerful weapon against any bully and that misusing a firearm only brings pain and suffering but no answers. 
We must also realize that life isn’t always fair and it never will be.  Not all of the baby turtles that are born make it to the water.  There are predators all around standing between them the relative safety of the water.  I am not asking you all to accept that they don’t all make it but rather I am asking everyone to teach our children that they can make the water if they fight for it and to be ready to deal with the predators along the way.

     I know that I took a bit of a left turn here but as I said, this was on my mind for a while and this blog is going to sometimes cover odd subjects that affect me along my journey.  I will have another post for this week hopefully in a short while I hope, so I will wrap this up for now.  Remember, greater things have yet to come, greater things have yet to be done.  Please share this with all that will listen because you never know who needs a revolution to change their own lives.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  Much love and may God bless you all!  To be continued...      

Part 24 - What if...?

     Welcome all of my friends to Part 24 of The Rendering!

What if...?

     Before I address that question I figured that I would start this week's post right up front with the weight report so here goes...

        There you are, 592 lbs.  That means I have lost 4 lbs. more and that I am gaining ground on getting back to the black again.  I am now at 82 lbs. total lost.  I need to get to 121 lbs. lost to break even and start moving forward again.  Once I hit 553 lbs. everything after that is profit!  Please forgive me if this post is a bit choppy in places.  I am writing it in between walking a 1-mile indoor exercise program.  My sister, who is also doing the 365 miles in 365 days challenge with me, bought me a DVD that offers a 15-minute mile indoor workout.  For me, the pace is killer but I am keeping up and I am loving/hating every second of it.  Don't believe me?

      You tell me.  Is this not the face of a fat guy enjoying a pleasant yet challenging walk all soaked in sweat?  Heck, I am a sweaty, sexy beast!  OK, perhaps you aren't buying it but I tell you what, I am paying the piper and the music is sweet.  

     Now, as I said, it is now time to address the question that this very post is named after.  What if...?  You can end that question with any number of scenarios.  I am more concerned with it being used in the past tense or when it is used to reflect on regrets.  What if...I had kissed that girl?  What if...I had paid more attention in class?  What if...I had turned left?  In my own personal case, the question of "What if...I had never started this journey to lose weight and get healthier where would I be then?"  That answer is simple...

     I would be dead, of that I am certain.  You would be able to call my home and ask for me and you would hear "he's dead!"  If you asked how I died they would simply say "food alright!"  I know that this picture is just a computer-generated picture but it can be quite sobering to actually see your name on a tombstone.  I find that I sometimes need visual aids to push me on and remind me.  Even though I can easily answer that particular what if, it doesn't mean squat.  We cannot change the past and I don't intend to live there.
     I spoke last week about never letting yesterday fill up today and even though we cannot change the actions that we have taken, my point is we can learn from them.  I have learned so much over the past months since I started this journey last July.  I have learned about nutrition, exercise, dedication, and inspiration.  I have learned that I have an amazing support group and that it is just as important to try my best to be there to support others.  Most of all I have learned about myself.  I have learned I am much stronger than I thought and that I will have moments where I stumble or fail and that is just fine.  I have learned to dust myself off and keep stepping forward.  I have learned that I need to let go of the hurts of the past and not use them as excuses.  In all, I have learned that I am a different man than I ever thought I was and that is a good thing.
    One of the most important lessons that I have learned is that I must kill myself.  Now before I get all of you concerned I want you to read the lyrics to this song.

"Kill Myself"

Tim McGraw

I'm gonna clean the house
I'm gonna fix the fence
In my final hours
I'm gonna tie up these loose ends
I wont leave a note
For anyone to find
Tomorrow they'll know
What I've done here tonight
[Chorus]
The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I'm gonna kill myself
Now who is that
In my easy chair
Now wait a minute
That's the old me sittin' there
And I thank God
The devil in me died
I stand before you now
A man changed and alive
[Chorus]
The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I have to kill myself
Gonna clean the house
Gonna fix that fence
In my final hours I'm gonna tie up these loose ends 

     Now, if you have never had the chance to hear this song, please take a moment to look it up on Youtube.  For me this song changed how I look at my life.  I had to kill the old me.  I had to kill the hurtful me.  My favorite part of this song is this...

This is not some kind of cry for help

Just good bye I wish you well

Because I love you

I have to kill myself

     This verse reminds me of possibly the most important lesson I have learned over this journey.  I have learned to love myself.  I can relate these lyrics to my family and friends but I have always loved them fiercely even though I may have done hurtful things to them but I don't think that I have ever loved myself.  I still struggle with depression but I find it easier to handle because I love myself enough to fight now.  

     I have also re-ignited my relationship with God.  I have spoken many times about this now and I am not ashamed to say that I love and worship a mighty, mighty God, a God that loves me enough to die upon a cross for me.  We all have our own beliefs but I believe this and I must fight to honor the life that my God has given me.  I can no longer be irresponsible and destructive with my body.  God gave me life and I MUST live that life to the fullest.  

     This week I have had a very hard struggle with my depression.  We are coming up on the one-year anniversary of my mother's passing so I have been dealing with that.  I have also been dealing with some personal issues with people in my life not being whom or what they appear to be.  All of this was topped off with worries about my employment or the rapidly approaching lack there of.  I was allowing all of this to eat away at my joy but that is when a delicate little bird came to me.  Here is what the bird whispered in my ear.

     The little bird told me, "Remember that you are the son of a King.  The King of Kings and the God of truth."  The bird then told me, "Joy is a choice!  Do not let Satan steal your joy."  I will take this little bird's words and I will speak truth in the face of Satan.  I am the son of, not only a king, but THE KING OF KINGS!  The truth is this, I do have depression but God is the cure.  Yes, I did lose my mother a year ago but the truth is, she is with God and not suffering so I need to celebrate her new life.  Yes, there are people in my life that have not been whom or what they have appeared.  The truth is all people are merely human and just as I do, they to will stumble and fall.  God does not stumble or fall.  In fact, God carries me when I stumble so I will put my faith in Him not them.  Yes, I more than likely will be losing my job in the near future.  The truth is...GOD WILL PROVIDE.  That all being said, I will do my very best to choose joy.  I will take that joy, and you can too in your own life, and press on.  Press on through whatever jungle you struggle with be it depression, weight, anger, no matter what.  Use your joy like a machete and hack away at that jungle.  Never, ever give up.  Persevere and you will find your way through.

 “The only limits to the possibilities in your life tomorrow are the buts you use today.” 

–Les Brown- 

Motivational Speaker

     I have learned a new term this week that I would like to share with you all.  This truly has been an issue for me my whole life and now I know what to call it.  The term his HEDONIC HUNGER.   Hedonic hunger refers to eating for pleasure rather than to satisfy a biological need.  This results in food intake that can override the body’s homeostatic systems for controlling eating and lead to over-consumption of calories.  When I heard this term I was instantly flashed back to a bit of advice my mother used to give me.  She would say, "You should eat to live not live to eat."  I only wished both she and I could have learned that lesson far sooner.  Here is a link to an interesting article about hedonic hunger and its relation to obesity, Hedonic Hunger.

      I guess that I have rambled on long enough this week.  I will end by saying as usual, thank you all for the support.  I have come so far by the grace of God and the support of all of you that read and comment on my blog.  I am truly blessed to have such an amazing support system.  If you pray, I ask that you keep me in your prayers so that I can continue to succeed and stay on God's path.  Also, to update you all, over the course of writing this week's blog I have walked 3 miles.  I have a total of 8 miles walked for the first 12 days of 2014.  Not too shabby for a guy that a few months ago was proud to be able to walk a mere 1/2 mile in under 20 minutes.  I will persevere and I will get to my 365 miles and more!  With that I will say greater things have yet to come, greater things have yet to be done.  Please share this with all that will listen because you never know who needs a revolution to change their own lives.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  Much love and may God bless you all!  To be continued...      

Part 23 - Revolution Not Resolution!!!

     Please allow me to not only welcome each and every reader of The Rendering to Part 23 - Revolution Not Resolution but also to 2014.  I hope that you all had a happy and blessed holiday.  As 2013 passes into history and 2014 opens its doors to us I say good riddance!  It has been no secret that 2013 was not a very good year for me and there were by far many more lows than highs but I do not intend to live in the past anymore.  A good friend told me today, "never let yesterday fill up today" and that truly hit home.  

     So let's talk about a very common theme around this time of year, the New Year's Resolution.  

      So just what is a New Year's Resolution?  By definition it is:

- New Year's Resolution -

A New Year's resolution is a promise that you make to yourself to start doing something good or stop doing something bad on the first day of the year.

     This is all fairly common knowledge but there are a high percentage of people who make a resolution and then never follow through.  The most lucrative time for gyms is this time of year but how many of those "dedicated" people will stick with it?  Very few would be my answer.  I myself have been known to make a New Year's Resolution a time or two and you might find this shocking but I NEVER followed through either.  I have done a little research and I have found that "losing weight" and "getting healthy" are consistently at the top of all of the New Year's Resolution lists.  I don't just mean the lists of New Year's Resolutions made but also the first to be broken.  

     So why do I bring this all up?  The answer is simple.  Why wait for one certain day of the year to try to improve yourself?   We should strive to be better and healthier people every day.  Now, if you have followed me through this journey you may recall several times where I added "VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!".  Yes, I do understand that this particular phrase is by far not grammatically correct and it is a sad, bastardized amalgamation of two languages but it has become a battle cry of sorts for me.  

- REVOLUTION -

A sudden, extreme, or complete change in the way people live, work, etc.

     I use this little saying of mine to remind me that I am making a lifestyle change and in sharing my story with all of you, perhaps I am able to inspire others to join my revolution and we can change lives.  I do not view this as a diet or anything negative.  I see this as a fierce battle and as history has proven, revolutions quite often lead to fierce battles but those battles lead to freedom.  If not for a revolution, I may never have had the freedom to speak openly about my story.  I know for a fact that there will be exhausting battles and losses in my revolution but I stand here now and proclaim that I WILL BE FREE OF THIS ADDICTION WHEN THE DUST SETTLES!  I invite all who have battled weight issues to take up your arms and join me in changing lives.  No, I don't mean guns.  I mean resources and tools and knowledge and support.  

     I can only share my experiences with you but I will share all I know about winning this war.  First and foremost I give all the glory to God for without Him I can do nothing.  He is my rock and my salvation.  Through God I have had many amazing old friends brought back into my life and many new friends have entered as well.  I can lean on God when I am weak and He has given me people to support me in my journey.  

     They say knowledge is power and in today's world of information at our fingertips we are overflowing with knowledge.  Weight Watchers is yet another weapon in my arsenal.  There is support in the meetings and endless bits of knowledge about the best ways to lose weight safely.  Even social media has proven to be an ally by giving me a voice to be heard.  

     So with all of that said I offer to you this, if you have a New Year's Resolution, whatever it may be, I challenge you to not abandon it but change it.  Start a revolution of your own.  Don't change once a year.  Take a stand and change your life.  Live each day with a goal to try to be, in some small way, better than you were the day before.  Reach back and offer encouragement to someone else trying to change his or her life.  Do this and you will find, more often than not, that you have a new ally for your revolution.  Finally, remember even though it sounds cliché, that when you feel small and fragile and disheartened, it is not the size of the dog in the fight but rather the size of the fight in the dog!

     As usual we have come to the point where I need to show you the numbers.  

      This is my January 1, 2014 weight.  I have gone down 2 lbs from last week and I am going to keep going that way.  I have accepted a challenge for this year as well.  The challenge is to walk 365 miles in 365 days.  The numbers may sound daunting but in reality it is only 1 mile per day.  You don't have to walk everyday but the challenge is to make sure you have walked at least 365 miles by December 31, 2014 and I will do AT LEAST that much.

     This is a face, ugly and scary as it appears, but a face of determination for sure.  To date I have logged 4 miles toward my goal and my pastor and his wife have accepted the challenge as well to support and encourage me.  The cold weather was a bit of a hindrance making walking dangerous for a couple of days but I have iron clad determination and I got back out there pounding the pavement. I was a bit concerned about days where the weather might make walking my mile difficult but God provided yet again.  A very special friend has offered to give me a treadmill so I can walk indoors as well.  I love her very much and she has been such a good friend over the past years.  I am blessed to have her in my life.

     I have been working with free weights and resistance bands for a great workout.  These items also were supplied by dear friends that have shown me such great support.  I have a number of friends that want to hit the gym with me as well.  I will have to see if I can manage it financially but one way or another God will place me where He wants me and He will provide.  I have also heard of a fine exercise routine called "swim walking" but I have not researched it yet.  That could be next on the menu.  

     Lastly, I had a full physical done this past Friday so I know more of where I stand.  As I said, knowledge is power and I intend to harness all of the power I can to win this revolution.  I am still awaiting the blood and urine workups and I will share the good and bad when I get it.  Some of the results of my physical were given to me right away.  I had an EKG done and they found that I have a slightly enlarged heart.  While this isn't a good thing it is manageable.  I guess the only reaction I have is as I stated on Facebook, "duh, you don't put a VW Bug motor in a Mack truck chassis!"  Sure, you can say that is gallows humor but I am staying positive because it is all in God's hands.  My doctor wants to refer me to a cardiologist but I will have to see if I can financially manage that.  On a good note, my doctor was very pleased with my commitment to walking and has issued a challenge to me to try to do a 5k walk in the fall.  I will give it my all so we shall see.  

     I have rambled on enough for tonight so I will leave you with this, simply thank you all for taking some time to read and support me throughout this journey.  Greater things have yet to come, greater things have yet to be done.  Please share this with all that will listen because you never know who needs a revolution to change their own lives.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  Much love and may God bless you all!  To be continued...