Part 39 - Things That Go Bump In The Night....in my head

     Welcome back to yet another installment of my blog...The Rendering!!  Let me say thank you to all of you that take the time to listen to my ramblings.  It means a great deal to have your support.   
    I apologize to you all for not having a post last weekend but to be honest I was a bit under the weather but I was also very busy.  I was trying to get a lot done in a little time and I actually got quite a bit accomplished.  So moving on to this week.
    I am going to show you the weight that I took at my home this week.

  

     In my last post I gave you the weight from the surgeon's office of 640 lbs.   That weight is taken fully clothed and this is taken in just my boxer shorts.  I did the calculations and this would be right around 630 lbs. in the surgeon's office so that means I am still down 10 more pounds!  I'm getting there.

     I have had so many things spinning around in my head this week that I was having trouble trying to decide what I wanted to write about.  I finally decided that rather than trying to order the thoughts both good and bad and form them into some kind of cohesive sentences I would just let them flow out at their own will and see what happens.  Hold on, I make no promises where we will end up.  
     I have found myself dealing a lot this week with what I call "a bad head space" or "being stuck inside my own head".  Others would call it discouragement or depression, and they wouldn't be totally wrong.  Mostly, however, it is fear and doubt.  I have found that even though I am excited to be going through with this new chapter of my life I am scared to all hell about it.  I have heard from others around me about their own concerns.  Some are scared but supportive, some are scared and doubtful about my decision to go through with surgery, some are excited, possibly more so than I.  I find myself surrounded with all of these opinions and I truly do appreciate all of the input, but I had to decide for myself just what my feelings were.  I came up with this, yes I am afraid of failing, pain, and yes even the possibility of death.  I worry about the finances for the surgery.  I am afraid of letting so many people down that have given me so much support.  Finally, and possibly most of all, I fear being trapped inside this mass of death and robbing myself and those that love me of what remaining years I have left.
     Now, these are all just thoughts that are constantly bouncing around in my head and sometimes they do get me into a dark place.  They will not defeat me though.  I have been blessed with some very special people in my life who have, for whatever the reason, given me inspiration and courage to keep fighting weather they know it or not.  One of these special people took it upon themselves when hearing that I was once again stuck in the dark places of my own mind offer to hop into my mind and spray glitter all over the place.  Now I know that may sound silly to many out there but for ANYBODY, let alone this person to offer to take a trip into the darkness of my mind just to help brighten my day really gave me encouragement.  
     I also will say that I have found encouragement from somebody half my age.  I have found, with great surprise, that there can be great wisdom, inspiration, and encouragement in some of the youth of today.  I would like to share a vlog from one of these young ladies.  My niece Bethany has started publishing a vlog and it is silly, creative, insightful, honest, and for me, super encouraging.  I am going to post one of her videos in my blog this week.  This particular video has encouraged me to overcome many of my fears.  Here it is...

 

I can't stress enough the amount of encouragement that I get from this young lady's silly little videos.  I encourage you all to check her out on Youtube and subscribe to her channel.  Look up "Binya Boozles" and subscribe.  I laughed, I cried, I learned about hamsters.  

     So I will leave you all with what I intend to take away from all of this.  I will have times where I am scared and doubtful and excited but through it all I will be loved by and I will love in return some amazing people.  In the end live or die, succeed or fail, in the words of an amazing young lady..."Go rub your love off on somebody!!".  Thanks for reading and God bless you all.  To be continued... 

 

Part 38 - By Any Means Necessary...

     July 14, 2013...this was the date that the fuse was lit, a fuse that would lead to an explosion that, for better or worse, would alter my life.  This was the date that I launched the inaugural post for The Rendering.  

     When I started this amazing journey so long ago I did so with a number of hopes in mind.  I wanted to change my life by losing a massive amount of weight.  The very weight that had held me captive all of my life and was bound to do so until the day I die.  I wanted to share my journey through this blog so I could reach out and get the support of my friends and family as well as to try to help others who had struggles in one way or another related to weight.  I wanted to open eyes to an all too familiar sight in today's world.  Obesity is a curse that ruins lives of both the obese and of those close to them.  When I started I had my eyes on the prize and was determined to win...

     I lost.  I made several strides and I had limited success but as with any battle the tide can turn and the advantage can be lost in the blink of an eye.  You can reread all of my posts and just looking at the weight measurements you will notice more of an up and down pattern than if you were intently watching a yo-yo master performing.  I had wonderful support from my friends and family and I was working with an amazing and battle-proven program known as Weight Watchers.  The fault for my failure lies with me and me alone.

     I reread my last post that I did back in October.  I found that much of that still held true today.  I still battle several of those same feelings and I am still a man of faith but I am also still very much an addict to food.  That is the fault in my whole plan.  No matter how much support I had or how hard I tried, I just couldn't beat the addiction to food.  The holiday times were hard for me because some of my favorite treats are sweets.  I managed to balloon up to my highest weight yet of 678 lbs.  I was a mess.  My medical problems were getting worse and things were out of control.  I was miserable and I thought back to a dark promise I made to myself when I was 30.

     I won't go into details because I have only ever told 2 people the full story but this promise had some stipulations that as of my 40th birthday would not have been for the best.  That is where the story takes a bit of a turn.  I have said it before that I am a man of faith but that faith can be tested.  I also believe that God will send us angels in disguise.  Disguised as, to say ordinary would not be doing justice, but disguised as unique individuals who are just people that cross your path in life.  God sent me one such angel when I needed this angle most.  Now, to say I understand just what it is that changed in me would be a foolish statement but I can say this, the positive energy that was brought to my life by this angel was profound and removed any remnants of the promise I had made 10 years ago.  This person may never know how special they are to me but all I can say is thank you so very much and I treasure your friendship more than words can express.

      I won't tell you that all things were suddenly coming up roses because they weren't.  I was still in a very dangerous spot health wise and my best laid plans up to this point had met with failure.  I was cornered, so to speak, like a wounded animal.  The thing about a wounded animal is, they have nothing to lose and are very unpredictable.  All they want to do is survive and will do so by any means necessary.  I will make this statement crystal clear to all who doubt me or think that I am a dead man walking...I CHOOSE TO SURVIVE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!

     By that I mean that I have decided to take the one avenue that I had previously tried to avoid.  I have begun the process of undergoing bariatric weight loss surgery.  Back in the beginning of May I traveled to Syracuse to the office of Dr. Graber to have a consultation.  I had been researching all of the processes for this surgery but I certainly received some eye-openers during my consultation.  After a very informative seminar and a one on one meeting with both the surgical nurse and surgeon himself we came to the decision that we could proceed with the surgery. 

     Now it isn't quite that simply but to get the green light to begin the process was quite encouraging.  I underwent some testing for bacteria at the consultation and passed but there are still other tests I must pass to proceed.  I still must have a nuclear stress test, blood work, endoscopy, attend support groups, and meet with a nutritionist and psychologist but I am fairly optimistic that I shall pass those barriers as well.  I also have to participate in a 3 month supervised diet in order to meet the requirements for my insurance to cover this.  I must show at the very least that I have not gained any weight each month or I must start the entire process over again.  

     At my consultation my starting weight was 658 lbs. and the surgeon, Dr. Obradovic, asked me to commit to losing 30 lbs. minimum before surgery.  I was given a special diet to follow and I am doing my best to stick to it more or less with some slight alterations.  I just had my first supervised weigh in on my birthday, June 5th.  At that time my current weight was 640 lbs.  I have lost 18 lbs. in my first month meaning I am almost 2/3rds of the way to the minimum goal my surgeon has set for me.  The folks at the office were very happy with my progress.

     So what lies ahead for me now?  Well, this will be a huge and permanent change in my life and by no means do I think this is a quick fix solution.  Once I have this surgery there are things that I will never have again and there are certain things that I must be very cautious of due to the fact that they could cause me great damage.  The surgery alone has its own risks but they are risks that I am willing to take because the other side of this coin is a slow and painful death by obesity.  There are still other concerns I have about financially being set for this and while several of the people in my life are super supportive and even excited for me, and I can't thank them enough, there are some that have their own doubts or fears of the surgery.  I appreciate their concern but I cannot allow it to impact me negatively or pull my attention from my goals.  I have a new life potentially being laid out before me and I will succeed.  I proclaim this now, I will no longer be the frightened wounded animal trapped in the corner.  I am a predator.  I always have been but now it is awakening.  I intend to no longer wait for things to happen to  me I intend to start taking from life the things that I want, the things that I deserve.  God has made me a strong man and now I need to start embracing the blessings He has given me and claim what belongs to me!

     As I close this post, consider this my battle cry, I am worth fighting for and I intend to do just that BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!