Part 16 - When There Is Darkness There Must Also Be Light!!!

     Hello and welcome to Part 16 of The Rendering!  I am going to go about this week's post a little different.  I titled this post "When There Is Darkness There Must Also Be Light!!!" because I have spoken about some of the bad things that happened in my past that I feel I have been a direct influence on my weight issues but I also want to tell you about some of my favorite memories as well.

     As we approach the upcoming holidays I find myself reflecting more this year than ever before.  This will be my first holiday season that we will spend without my mother.  I am reminded of years gone by and just how great that my family has made those memories for me.

     Halloween has always been one of my favorite times of year.  If you know me, or anything about my family, you know that my parents and sisters and I have always made the holidays special.  Our house is always decorated with lights and characters and all sorts of accoutrements.  As usual, we have decorated this year, not to the usual full extent, but we still have some things out.  

      This little haunted tree is just a small example of the myriad of decorations we use around this time of year.  This one is special to us because my mom actually made it.

     I can remember getting all dressed up in some costume, always handmade never store-bought.  Being a "fat kid", I always had to be creative with my costumes.  I can remember many times being upset because I couldn't make a costume work with my size but my father would always sit down with me and make something work.  He made sure we had fun.  We would gather up with our oldest sister and head out for some fine trick-or-treats.

      As a kid, especially a fat one, what could be more fun than going out for some delicious trick-or-treat candy?  I will be the first to admit that perhaps, enjoying candy and treats could have lead to a lifetime battle with obesity but this is one thing I would not trade in because the good memories are priceless to me.  We would walk the neighborhood for what seemed like hours and then head home.  The night wouldn't be over there though.  Next came time to inspect the trick-or-treat booty!

      This is generally what the haul looked like but there were still some goodies yet to come!  My parents were a bit unconventional when it came to what we gave out on Halloween.  As times would change and things became a bit more difficult with trusting Halloween goodies we would also change but in the beginning we were known as the doughnut house.  

      Now, I don't mean some store-bought processed doughnut.  My mom would make some of the greatest homemade doughnuts I have ever tasted.  I can easily see why this was, for sure, a contributing factor to my weight issues but I also remember them fondly.  I remember the smell of the entire house on doughnut making day.  You knew Halloween was right around the corner!

     There were years where my parents and older sister would go out of their way to convert our basement into a "haunted house" for our friends and us.  There would be all sorts of "scares" then some games and what not.  As the years passed and we moved on from trick-or-treating my sister and I would have our own Halloween traditions.  I would spend time making the doughnuts with my mom and then she and I would count trick-or-treaters as my dad and older sister would hand out candy.  

     Now that I am older and going down this journey to lose weight, I look back on these memories and realize that, even though I recall so many dark times growing up, there were several rays of light.  Sure, some of the good memories include candy and doughnuts but to me it is so much more.  They include family and times of laughter and fun.  I can take these memories and find a lesson to make wiser decisions about the food I now consume as well.  I know this Halloween will be a bit tough to stay positive but I have to look at it this way, I know my mom will be with us in spirit and I will still have the rest of my family to keep making good memories with.  Mom would be so upset if I turned my back and didn't celebrate the holidays and it sometimes takes a special person to remind me of that.  Thanks.  I also have a very special responsibility to my Godchildren.  They come to my house trick-or-treating and I want them to have their own good memories.  My mom so loved seeing them and their parents when they came.  It is hard for me to type this but I want the world to know just how special my mom was.  She loved my best friend and his wife as if they were her own kids and she loved their kids as well.  I hope they all have some of the same good memories that I do when times seem dark.

     My Godchildren are a huge reason why I am fighting this battle.  I cannot express how much of an honor it was when I was asked to be their Godfather.  I love them so much and I don't want to just be a "memory" for them.  I want to be around to make good memories with them.  I have so many that I want to be here to make memories with and I am committed to doing all I can to be around as long as I can.  So, with that being said, I guess we should address the reason you all follow, THE NUMBERS!  

 BOOM!!! DON'T CALL IT A COME BACK...

     Wait...no, it is not time to bust out an old LL Cool J song but it is an improvement.  I have managed to drop 7 lbs of the dreaded 35 lbs. that I put on with my "little" set back last week.  I have seen the doctor and we are addressing the water retention issue more aggressively than before and I am optimistic that this will help.  The grand total has returned to 93 lbs. lost!  I know some that will say that you don't subtract from a total lost if you gain some back but that is what I do.  I use my stumbles to motivate me.  If life knocks me back an inch I am determined to take back a mile!

      For those that live in a nutshell...this is Yoda, a Jedi master.  Why the heck would I include a picture of Yoda in this week's post you might ask?  Well, even though Yoda, in reality, is just a small puppet enhanced by computer graphics and great voice actors and puppeteers, he has wisdom.  I have recently come to the realization that, perhaps, there was some miscommunication about my intentions regarding my battle with weight loss.  I turn to Yoda to clarify...

"Do... or do not.  There is no try."

-Yoda-

      I think that says it all.  I am "doing" and I refuse to "do not".  I will succeed because I will not "try".  I found something that made me laugh and it embodies some words a friend spoke to me.  He spoke of turning idle anger from setbacks and failure into a rage, a rage that could be used to turn the tides during those times.  Now, I know a thing or two about rage in my life and using it to my advantage.  So I will use this to motivate me and make me chuckle a bit.  

      Yes indeed my friends, that is YODA HULK!!!  It sure as hell isn't Hoagie Boy, like I sometimes get confused for, but it is what I envision my determination to look like now.  I can do anything when I am angry enough!

     I will leave you all with that image this week.  Perhaps you too can find a Yoda Hulk within yourselves when you face setbacks.  Use your rage to turn the tides.  As usual, I would like to thank all of you for your support and I would like to especially thank those of you that don't hold back sometimes when I need a verbal smack in the face with a shovel.  I get it now.  I want to wish all of you a safe and happy Halloween season.  I would ask you all to keep in mind that you can make good memories with your loved ones even if there is a treat or two.  It is up to you to choose what you eat.  As always, please share this post on your pages because you never know who might need a bit of encouragement in their struggle.  We are touching lives out there.  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  To be continued...

Part 15 - Everbody Has A Plan...And I Didn't Duck!!!

"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face."

-Mike Tyson-

     As far as I am concerned, in reference to this journey you have all been following me on, these words could not be truer.

     Allow me to first welcome you all to Part 15 of The Rendering.  I started this blog fifteen weeks ago with a simple purpose.  I wanted to share my day-to-day journey battling weight loss.  I was in hopes that perhaps my story would be able to inspire others with hope and positivity.  I wanted to say to them, "you too can be successful!"  More so, I truly was hoping to create a circle of support for my own journey.  The stories of others' successes with their own personal journeys was an inspiration for me.  Somebody saying to me, "you got this!"  For the most part, I have not been disappointed.  The outpouring of friendship, love, compassion, and support I have received has warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes.  I was not alone.  I knew there would be weeks of success and weeks where I would stumble.  I HAD A PLAN!  Sadly, Iron Mike Tyson said it best.  I had a plan right up to the point that life punched me squarely in the face.  I guess the next question is...what am I going to do?  

     As you all may have already surmised, this week was one of those weeks where I have stumbled.  Hell, stumble isn't even the right word for it.  I just have to show you...

      This picture shows EXACTLY how I have stumbled this week.  Some of you will recognize this right away, but for those of you that do not, this is known as "GETTING SCORPIONED!"  You plant your face so badly that your feet meet the back of your head and you vaguely resemble, you guessed it, a scorpion.

     Don't take my word for it.  Here are the numbers...

 

     No folks, I did not make a mistake and put up the wrong picture.  Boy howdy, do I wish that I had done just that.  However, the numbers are what the numbers are.  I have GAINED 35 LBS!  With that being said, I now must recalculate my total lost weight and that would now be, 88 lbs. in total weight lost.  Now, 88 lbs. lost is still a terrific achievement but it isn't the 121 lbs. that I was once at.  

     I would first like to issue an apology to all of you who have supported me and stood by me throughout this journey.  I have come up short this week and I have let you all down.  I will not make excuses, nor will I not take personal responsibility for this but I will state some facts that might explain how I was able to gain so much weight in one week.  Let's start with the mistakes that I have made.  This past week I did not track my food as religiously as I should have.  I allowed myself to grow complacent even though I have written about avoiding that very pitfall.  I thought that I could manage my points in my head.  I was wrong.  Also, I ran afoul of another trap...

      I allowed myself too much leeway when it came to sugary desserts and treats.  I understand that I have told you all that the Weight Watchers program that I am doing does not mean you have to "give up" desserts and treats, however for me, I have to eliminate what I am calling "trigger" foods.  I lost sight of that last fact.  I was allowing myself to have a decadent dessert here or a sweet treat there.  Along with the fact that I wasn't tracking my points properly, there could be only one result.  I began gaining some of the lost weight back.  I knew that I would have to face the music soon but that is where that little sickness that lurks in the back of my mind comes roaring up to the forefront.  I was enjoying the delicious food and damn the consequences!  I had shrugged off the obvious knowledge that every bite I took was pushing me one bite closer to an early death. 

     Now that I have covered the part of this equation that I was directly responsible for, I will tell you of the medical issues that, I believe, are partially responsible for my weight gain.  When I began writing this blog I briefly covered some of the medical issues caused by my super-morbid obesity.  Back in the year 2000, I was involved in an automobile accident which, resulted in a fairly serious injury to my abdomen.  The seat belt that I was wearing tore a section of my abdomen open internally causing a large hematoma or a large blood blister of sorts.  A few weeks after the accident, the hematoma became abscessed and I had to undergo surgery to save my life.  Over the next few months I had to remain basically bed ridden and under the care of a home visiting nurse to ensure that the damaged abdomen healed properly.  When all was said and done the surgeon had removed between 1 and 2 liters of infected blood and tissue from my damaged abdomen.  I am sorry for speaking of such a disgusting situation but I want you all to know exactly how my obesity has affected me physically.  I did say from the very start of this blog that I would be 100% open and honest.  Once I was fully healed, I, as you might expect, had a large amount of internal scar tissue.  Thus, then, I come to how medically; I can answer for some of the weight gain.  Due to my super-morbid obesity, I have a large amount of strain pulling down from where my "belly" hangs.  This strain causes the previously mentioned scar tissue to stress and tear a bit resulting in a case of cellulitis.  For those that do not know, cellulitis is a soft tissue infection and it just plain SUCKS!  With out getting to in depth, here is a quick description of the symptoms.  At first, the infected area will be warm, red, swollen, and tender. As the infection spreads, you may have a fever, chills, and swollen glands.  Once this infection gets rolling, it really can knock a person off their feet quite quickly.  I tell you all of this so you have the background information of what I have been dealing with ALL of last week.  I have been battling reoccurring cellulitis infections since late 2000 and according to several doctors; as long as I am this obese I will continue to deal with it.  As a result of my recent weight loss, I have notice that I was not having as many issues with the infection returning.  That was until I started putting weight back on.  This past Sunday evening, the infection returned and returned with a vengeance.  As a result of the infection, I experience edema or an abnormal accumulation of fluid in my abdomen and legs.  It is this fluid that I attribute to some of the weight gain.  I also, as I stated in an earlier post, have symptoms of mild congestive heart failure, which also causes fluid retention, especially during the periods that I have this infection.

     I know that I have thrown out a lot of information right there but I wanted you all to have the facts.  In short, my complacency in regards to working the program opened the door for a myriad of weight gaining opportunities. 

     In the end, it is not the fall that is of any importance but rather, will I be able to get up and dust myself off, take my lumps, and get back on track?  There was never any question in my mind as to what that answer is.  YES, YES, YES!!!  I have come too far to be taken out so easily.  I owe it, not only to myself, but also to each and every one of you that has believed in me.  I owe it to my father, my sisters, my brothers, my nieces and nephews, and to all of my other friends and family.  I owe it to my mother, to honor her and to prove to her that she was right to say that she believed in me.  So, HELL NO!  I will not lie down and die.  I will take life's best punch and I will get back up!  There are two quotes from one of my favorite movie franchises, Rocky, that sums it up for me...

     "Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!" -Rocky Balboa-

     "I didn't hear no bell..." -Rocky Balboa-

     I know there are some that will read this and find these quotes a bit cheesy, but they actually speak to me and inspire me to keep getting up.  I will end this week's post by once again saying that I apologize for letting you all down but I will keep getting up and moving forward.  I have also noticed that the views and the comments over the last few weeks have declined so I would ask for your opinions.  Is this blog losing its steam?  What can I include that might help somebody out there that may be struggling?  I am always open to listening to the opinion of others.  As always, I thank you all for your support.  Please share this post on your pages because you never know who might need a bit of encouragement in their struggle.  We are touching lives out there.  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  To be continued...

Part 14 - These Legs Were Meant For Walking...

     Welcome to Part 14 of The Rendering!  This week's post has, apparently, been in the works for quite some time now.  By that I mean, I decided shortly after writing last week's post that I wanted to discuss this topic.  In only what I can call an odd coincidence, I was given, with no mention from me, confirmation by several people throughout the week that this was a subject that was on their minds as well.  Even at my Weight Watcher's meeting we discussed a similar subject.  So, without further ado, let's dive right in.

WARNING TOO MUCH SITTING IS KILLING YOU!!

     This is a simple, yet poignant, statement.  I know that it speaks to me and it is in my opinion, if you have dealt with or are dealing with weight issues, this speaks to you as well.  Take a moment and think about it... ...Do you work a desk/computer job or spend excessive time at home on the computer?  I do on both counts.  Perhaps you feel that you don't do that so much, so consider this...

      ...Do you find yourself constantly checking your "smart" device?  Could you go without checking it for a couple of days or are you a slave to it?  I, myself, cannot say no to this.  

     Perhaps we should call them "evil" or "diabolical" devices because having no need to move to find information or entertainment certainly doesn't seem "smart" to me.  Again, however, I must plead guilty.  I love having information and entertainment within a simple swipe of a finger.   Ok, ok, maybe you think computers and "smart" devices aren't your thing.  I offer to you this...

...Perhaps my own worst foe, THE DREADED TELEVISION OF DOOM!!!  Think to yourself, and be honest.  How many hours a week do you actually spend watching television?  I think that the actual number may surprise you.  I would be willing to wager that the majority of those hours watching our "friend" the television are spent planted firmly on our backsides.
     Now, please, do not take me wrong.  I have examined my own life and found these areas were far, far out of control.  I have had people bring it up in conversation this week in regards to their own lives.  The message at Weight Watchers was also in regards to needing to be more active.  I want to share with you some facts about how sitting too often and leading a sedentary lifestyle are harmful to us...

I know this chart is small so here is what it says about how sitting too long affects the body:

-HEAD-

Blood clots that form after sitting too rigidly can travel to the brain, causing strokes.

-NECK-

Fluid retained in the legs during the day moves to the neck at night and contributes to obstructive sleep apnea.

-LUNGS-

In individuals who experience heart failure, fluid first backs up in the lungs.

-HEART-

A sedentary lifestyle contributes to cardiovascular disease.  In people who suffer from heart failure and obstructive sleep apnea, fluid collects in the lungs and neck at night.

-ARMS-

Physical activity reduces the risk of hypertension, or high blood pressure.

-STOMACH-

Sitting too much contributes to obesity and colon cancer.  Enzymes in the blood vessels of muscles responsible for burning fat get shut off, and the body's method of metabolizing fuels such as glucose and lipids gets disturbed.

-LEGS-

Fluid collects in the legs during sitting.  Walking helps pump it out before it causes problems.

 

     I can say that over the past years I have had to deal with several of these problems.  It is only since I started this journey that I have really taken ownership of the fact that I am responsible for allowing this to be my burden.  In the same breath, I say that I am now going to take ownership of the fact that I and I alone must be responsible for becoming more active.  I have done so over the past months but not to my satisfaction.  I need to be routine with my actions and I will.  I was inspired this week when my sister commented to me that she was impressed that I walked much faster than I had been.  

     Now, I am not saying that we all have to become gym rats, but feel free to rat out if you are so inclined.  Heck, get yourself some fine kettlebells and sing a song about a KETTLEBELL DAY!!  What I am saying is, find what works for you and get active.  Try doing leg lifts in your chair while watching TV.  Walk up and down stairs an extra time or two.  Park farther away from your destination and walk there.  Get active!  I am going to try to get this fine little contraption offered by Weight Watchers called the Activelink.  It is an activity monitor that works with the program I am on.  The more you are active the more points you get.  I am setting small goals and pushing them further as I achieve them.  I am hoping to be able to drop a few more pounds each week by upping the activity.  I would ask those of you that talk to me to hold my feet to the flame on this one.  If you see me feel free to ask me how I have been being more active.  Maybe that will work for you as well.  Find an "activity buddy" that you are accountable to.  Lol..."activity buddy" sounds dirty...yes, yes, again I get it...I have the mind of a child...NO, I just find things funny!  Laughter is a healing power, try it! 

     I will end this week's post with the numbers as usual...

VOILA!!!!

     Again, I have drop 1 lb. for a grand total of 121 lbs. gone!!  Hopefully, as the weeks go on I will be increasing the amount lost but any amount lost is a victory in my eyes.  I will say goodbye for this week and I will leave you with this.  Try to unplug and become a bit more active.  Remember, there is a world out there full of actual life.  We should seek to experience life for ourselves rather than finding it in a digital form.  As always, I thank you all for supporting me and showing me great love.  I ask that you give me some feedback in the comments of the blog.  Your feedback is a great motivator for me and I look forward to hearing from you.  Please make sure to share this on your Facebook pages and twitters or hey just get out there and tell somebody about it.  The more people we reach, the better the chance we can change somebody's life.  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!   To be continued...

 

Part 13 - There Is Power In Your Words!!! CAUTION: EXPLICIT CONTENT

     As you have seen in the title for this post, as well as the very large advisory, this week's post will include some explicit language.  I am going to cover an issue I have had to deal with all of my life and one that I am sure I am not alone in.

       I am going to address how words have been used to hurt me directly related to my weight.  However, I do not intend to come from a place of victimization, but rather, I would like to perhaps be able to show others that their words do far more damage than they may realize.  I, first and foremost, am a supporter of the 1st amendment.  For those who are not sure what that is, here you are...

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

     I am focusing specifically on the part highlighted in red.  I will NEVER tell a person that they do not have the right to say something.  In today's world of over sensitivity, we have actually gone to such lengths as BANNING words, a practice I find absolutely ridiculous. Words such as nigger, faggot, and retard are being "banned" by certain groups or they are being substituted with "the N, F, or R word" respectively, as if that particular manifestation doesn't make you immediately know what word is being referenced.  Even though I do not believe in "banning" any words, I ask these self-righteous people supporting these movements, why do you not push to ban other words such as, "fat-ass", "tub-a-lard", "piggy", or "wide load"?  All of which have been used to describe over-weight people and all of which cause just as much pain.  
     I don't support the banning of words for one simple reason.  We as free Americans do not have the right to not be offended!  

"What is freedom of expression?  Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist."

-Salman Rushdie-

     I cannot claim my right to the freedom of speech if I am not willing to let everyone have that same right.  So that leads me to how would I address my point this week of how words have been used to hurt me in relation to my weight issues.  It is simple...

"You can change your world by changing your words... Remember, death and life are in the power of the tongue."

-Joel Osteen-

     I cannot force others to use or not use certain words but I can choose what words I do or do not use and I hope to show others that they have a choice in how they affect the lives of overweight people struggling day by day.  I am not, by any means, perfect in regards to this practice and I have, sadly, used my words to hurt others in the past.  It took a very dear friend of mine to show me just how hurtful my words could be and now I try hard to not use certain hurtful language.  I believe that if you are at a show, concert, gathering, or just watching the good old TV and you find yourself offended by language, you always have the right to walk away or turn the chanel.  I will not defend the stupidity that some people spew but I will defend their right to spew it.  

The Power of Words

'Tis a strange mystery, the power of words!
Life is in them, and death. A word can send
The crimson colour hurrying to the cheek.
Hurrying with many meanings; or can turn
The current cold and deadly to the heart.
Anger and fear are in them; grief and joy
Are on their sound; yet slight, impalpable:--
A word is but a breath of passing air.

  -Letitia Elizabeth Landon-

     For those out there that will say that I am out of line for trying to compare the abuse and struggles of an overweight person to those of these other groups, please, allow me educate you with a few excerpts from an article I have researched:

Morbid Obesity, Depression, and Suicide

 by Kevin Caruso

     A study on morbid obesity and depression that appeared in the American Journal of Epidemiology indicates that people who are morbidly obese are five times more likely to be depressed than those who are not.

     As a rough guide, women of average height who weigh 240 pounds or more, and men of average height who weigh 280 pounds or more are probably morbidly obese.

     People who are morbidly obese not only have to deal with the extra weight on their bodies, but also a social stigma associated with obesity. 

     Clearly, the social stigma can be contributory to the onset of depression. 

     The findings in the study that morbidly obese people are five times more likely to be depressed than those who are not also means that people who are morbidly obese are at a high risk for suicide. 

     Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps you may have said something that you thought would just be a funny joke to your friends but to somebody struggling it was the final straw?  I know that I personally, have never stopped to consider what I was saying or what damage I may have done with a simple throwaway line.  I was always the victim and now I have to own my actions and I hope that I can show some people out there that words can build or destroy with how they are used.  

     Those that know me know that I am a HUGE comic book fan so I included this poster in this week's blog for two reasons.  First, it is a classic lesson that has been with Spider-man since his beginning and it is appropriate for this discussion.  "With great power comes great responsibility."  To have the gift of words is one of the greatest powers a person can receive, therefore, we must also accept the mantle of great responsibility for our words.  Secondly, I just thought it was very cool to have Spidey in one of my blogs!  Yeah, yeah I know, I am a kid at heart, what do you want?  I choose to be a builder of those around me and not a destroyer and I choose to surround myself with other builders so we all can succeed!  I also believe that we must start setting better examples for our youth.  We must raise them up to be more responsible with their language rather that just trying to "ban" words from them.  I know that I personally would always try to learn the words that were "bad" when I was a youngster.  Heck, I am not saying that this actually happened but, perhaps, I may have been about 5 years old and got caught practice "swearing" at my dining room table all alone.  I also, may have said I was "practicing" for school.  Like I said, if we continue "banning" words then we are only asking our youth to go looking for them.  I can remember a man we used to call Uncle Paul would always offer me snippets of wisdom.  One particular offering stands out to me.  He would say, "If you want to change the world, you have to start teaching them young, for the young hold our futures in their hands."  In his own strange way, Uncle Paul was right.  If we teach our youth to own their words and be responsible with using them, nothing will stop the change that will come.  

     Well, I guess that will be enough for this week's edition of The Rendering.  I hope that you all can take with you something that will help you become a builder of not only yourselves but of others.  I guess that I should post the numbers for you all before I close out for this week...

POW!!

   That's right, I did it! LOL I have lost the 3 lbs. that I somehow managed to find last week.  That means that I am back to a total of 120 lbs. lost overall.  I still find that number astounding.  I am scratching and clawing my way down but I will take it as long as it keeps going down.  Since this is the first post for October that means time for a waist measurement.  My waist now measures 68.5"!  I have lost a total of 5.5" from my waist!  With that folks, I am going to once again say thank you to all who read and support, not only my blog, but also my whole journey.  Thank you for helping me build towards my success and I hope that I am doing the same for you all.  Remember, you can change your world by changing your words and believe me; we are changing lives and changing the world.  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  To be continued...