Part 2 - Baby Steps

Hello and welcome to Part 2 of The Rendering.  I cannot express in words my heartfelt gratitude to all of you that took the time to read my words and embark on this journey of life with me.  I was humbled by all of your kind words and support, and it was truly needed this week.  Allow me to start with an update.  While I did not make huge strides this week I am happy to report I am now weighing in at 583lbs. down 1lb. more than I was before.  As I mentioned in my last post, some weeks will be better than others but even with baby steps you get to where you have your eyes set upon.  I have not strayed from my regimen of healthy eating so much this week but I have been dealing with an ever-fun leg infection and extreme sickness due to the heat.  Both of these cause me to retain fluid.  On a good note though the leg infection seems to be resolved and the weather is cooling down. I took a waist measurement that I will post to also keep track of progress.  My waist measures 74" so I will be happily anticipating watching that number shrink as I succeed.  So I did not have any questions posed to me this week so I thought about what I wanted to share.  Then I thought about the baby steps that I took toward my goal and read this...

 This is truly how I feel but not only do I want to inspire people battling with their own weight issues but perhaps inspire those that helped lead me or others to weight issues to change for the better.  I feel I should explain a bit.  I want to first say that I don't want this to be seen as an excuse or not taking responsibility for my own actions. In the end it was me that made the poor decisions and me that took the actions or lack there of that led to me being 674lbs. but there were many contributing factors that I will share over the coming weeks.  This weekend was a gathering of the Owego Free Academy class of 1993.  It was to celebrate our 20-year reunion.  I would see reminders constantly and it made me think, as an experience in whole, I hated almost everything about my schooling.  Not because of the work, I always have enjoyed learning as much as I could.  I didn't even mind the teachers, although at this point in life I should call them saints for trying to deal with me and my lack of homework...lol(yes, I liked learning but hated doing homework yet another STUPID decision I know).  The thing that made it such a miserable experience was the way most of the people treated me.  It is a very hard thing to be the "fat kid" going through school.  I was already on my way to having weight issues but other kids can be cruel.  Again, this is not an excuse but a fact.  Perhaps it is hard to understand how hurtful it is when you walk across a classroom to a chorus of "boom badda boom" with every footstep you take or for several of your classmates to watch you as you sit down and then they all jump up as if you caused an earthquake.  I wished I could say all of the childish taunting ended as we got older but it didn't.  In fact it got worse.  There was the "poke the fat" game just to watch me jiggle, or the trip the fat guy, or steal his clothes.  In gym class I was always a target especially in dodge ball, which by the way also seemed to require the yelling of a fat joke just before pelting me with that fun rubber ball.  That was just a sampling of the hell I went through and I couldn't even think about asking a girl out.  Rejection was bad enough, but the few attempts I did make during high school resulted in not only me being mocked but also the girl I had asked had to deal with the cruel jabs.  This generally resulted in the very girl I liked turning on me, but she would kindly say the insults in hushed tones behind my back or so she thought.  Well for me food was comforting.  I would turn all of my pain inward and when I got home I would find my favorite treats and a comfy seat and eat the pain away.  Now, don't get me wrong, not all of my classmates were like this but a majority of them were.  Even those that I considered friends would occasionally join in just to "belong".  I chose to deal with these issues poorly and I hope that anyone who reads this learns that you do have other options and that there are people that will support you.  Food is comforting in the short run but it can cause more pain than it will ever comfort.  Today this would be called "bullying" in schools but back in my day it was just what happened and I do not feel like a helpless victim.  I only mention this to share some of the reasons why I abused food looking for comfort.  While I do fully support freedom of speech, perhaps if even one person reads this part of my story they may think twice before saying a hurtful remark or engaging in a hurtful action.  Whatever point of view you see this from; this was just an experience of mine.  I have never really publicly admitted to holding onto that pain for so long and I am now letting that go and making wiser decisions.  That was this weeks story from my past now let's pop back to the present.  This week I will be starting my formal exercise routine.  I must, of course, start light, as my body is not accustomed to a large amount of strenuous activity but again, baby steps lead to full-on runs.  I will be taking walks and doing a "chair" workout.  I will also be lifting weights.  If anybody has any questions about any part of my life, please, I encourage you to ask.  There is no subject off limits.  One of my dreams is to change the way people view obesity.  I will end with this, I have told you about the amazing support I have gotten from my friends and family.  I have also spoken about the amazing support I have received from all who read this blog.  I would like to thank the management team at my place of employment, SourceHOV.  I have been employed with them for over seven years.  Due to numerous medical issues related to my obesity I have been a less than stellar employee in regards to attendance.  I used to pride myself on being a great employee and I have not been able to live up to my own expectations.  The management team has been phenomenal about working with me and helping me out.  I do not believe that I could find employment in my current state anywhere else so it means a great deal that they are so supportive.  I have also received words of encouragement and support on this journey from them.  They have been great and I sincerely thank them all.  I will leave this week's post with this thought...Any dream worth having is a dream worth fighting for.  Thank you again for your support and God bless you all. To be continue....