Part 22 - 2013, Going out BIG!!!

     Hello.  It is with humility and a humbled heart that I welcome you all to the final post for The Rendering of 2013.  I know that it has been four weeks since my last post and I apologize for that.  I actually have one post that I had intended on posting a couple of weeks ago but I only was able to get it half written.  I know that there are several people that have been disappointed that I have not posted and I truly do apologize to you all.  

     So I guess that the very least I can do is to offer some sort of explanation as to where I have been and why I have not posted in so long.  I would say the simplest answer would be to say that there have not been enough hours in the day to do all that I have been doing.  With the Christmas season here I have been working on many projects.  I have also been attending church regularly on Sundays and I truly do love that.  There has been Christmas parties and shows to attend and family functions to try to fit in.  All in all, I had to make some time cuts somewhere and the blog was the unfortunate best option so it seemed at the time.  

     I have given you all the "simple" answer but it is not the only answer and I must be honest and open with everything I write.  

     I tried to convince myself that the main reason I was not writing was a time issue.  While time was in fact a reason, I knew deep down that I was crumbling and day-by-day I was losing the battle that I have spoken about week in and week out.  I was being a hypocrite and I was humiliated by my own weakness.  I was having an increasingly difficult time dealing with this being the first Christmas without my mom.  I know how she would feel but I still carry the hurt of losing her with me every day.  I have guilt that I can never resolve over choices I made and I have to live with that.  So, I buckled and I sought out the comfort that I know best, food.  

     Seeking comforting food is never easier that around this time of year.  Cookies, candies, and treats of all sorts everywhere you turn.  I cannot blame some mysterious puppet master for working strings hooked to my arms and forcing me to eat.  I, and I alone, made the poor decision to allow my depression, my pain, and my stress to be an excuse to over-indulge.  For most of December I ate horribly.  I stopped going to my Weight Watchers meeting using the excuse of "no time" as well.  I told those that would ask that I was doing "ok" but I never could fully admit the truth.  I was failing, plain and simple.  

     Christmas without my mom was not the only thing pushing me toward the cliff.  I had a short period this past month where I was unable to get my medication that helps me deal with my depression issues and that was the opening everything needed.  I was hit with health issues, shocking I know.  As I gained more weight I felt worse and worse.  I still have no idea where my job is heading and that stresses me out more than I can speak of.  There are also several small internal family strifes that I am dealing with.  I feel pulled in all sorts of directions not sure who to trust.  I also found myself in a discussion with a very dear friend where some very hurtful things were said to me and I recoiled as if snake bit.  All of these things piled up one on the other and I chose the path of the coward.  I ran to a place of comfort, I ran to my addiction, food.  I might as well have been eating frosted bullets because I know just how dangerous what I was doing is.  Every cookie or treat that I over-indulged with was loading one more round into a quickly filling up chamber.  

 

     I wonder if I am the only idiot on this planet that seems to want to play Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun.  I allowed all of these outside sources to chip(what's that) away at me and defeat me.  I didn't pay attention to any of the things I have written and I have paid the price.  

     As you all have seen at the very beginning of this post I have blown up to a weight of 598 lbs.  I managed to gain 41 lbs. over the past month.  Some, as I have said before, may be water weight because I have been dealing with the health issues again but most is just my poor eating.  That drops my overall total weight lost to 76 lbs.  Yes, I am humbled and moreover, humiliated to have to admit this publicly to all that read this but I am not seeking pity or sympathy.  I am owning my failure in these matters.  Nor am I quitting...

        Why give up when I have come so far?  I may have lost a few battles but I have not lost the war!

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” –Margaret Thatcher-

     I have proven time and time again that even though I get knocked down I can get back up and dust myself off.  The only way I EVER intend to give up is if I breathe my last breath.  

“Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.” 

– C.S. Lewis-

     We all must use the times we fail as lessons to know which paths not to take and which paths lead to success.

“My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with you failure.” 

–Abraham Lincoln-

     I can accept that I will have failures but not that all I will have is failures.  If I do not try at all I can guarantee myself no failures but I also guarantee myself no victories if I do not try.  To me, not trying is absolutely NOT acceptable!  So here is my game plan to claw and fight my way back to the top.  

• First and foremost, I declare that I cannot succeed alone and that in this one situation I must give up.  I must give up control to God.  My God is a powerful and awesome force and through Him, I can do anything!
• 2014 is the year for me to be consistent again with attending my Weight Watchers meetings, or for at least as long as I can afford them depending on employment but that too is in God's hands.
• 2014 is the year for me to complete 365 miles in 365 days!  What does that mean?  I have committed to walking 365 miles before the end of the year and I WILL succeed.  I will be logging my walks daily.  Two loops around my neighborhood is one mile so I figure I can do that.
• Being round no longer counts for being in shape!  I have a goal that by this time next year the first number in my weight will be at least a 4!
• There will no longer be ANY hiatus from the blog this year!  I love writing this thing whether I get 1 comment or 50 and I love the support I get from those that read.  I love hearing your stories and successes as well.  
• I am TRACKING my points religiously now.  I must, I no longer wish to spin the barrel and hope it doesn't fire.  NO MORE GAMES!!
• Not only will I be doing the walking but also I am using my exercise bands and weights to get more active in 2014.
• Lastly, I am giving my demons of depression, anger, rage, and negativity to God.  I accept that things are going to attack me and in life bad things happen, but I will fight the hate with love. 

      As I wrap up this week's post I would like to truly thank from my heart, my family and friends that have supported me through this whole journey.  I love you all so much and I could not and cannot do this without you.  I could name you all individually but as I sit here I am realizing that I am far more blessed than I have ever taken notice of.  There are so many of you that have supported me that I am in awe.  I am humbled that you would take your own time to offer me a word or two of encouragement and I thank you for that.  

     I have stated my commitments that I truly intend to keep this year but I would like to ask for help keeping me accountable.  It is easier if I know I have to answer to somebody when I miss a blog or another commitment.  Veronica, you have been such an inspiration to me and I know that if there is anybody that will keep me on task with my blog it is you.  Jeromie, above all of my other friends, you sir, will call me quickest on my self-pitying malarkey no matter how harsh you say it.  You may piss me off sometimes but I appreciate your candor sir.  Sue, keep me sharp on meetings please.  I won't be there this week because it is my Christmas with my Godchildren but I will be at the rest.  Finally, Mama Mudge, you have never let me slide and I love you for it.  You truly are a gift from God on my journey.  What I ask will not always be easy but I will do my best to just shut up and put up.

     I have my family at my home base and my friends as a support net out in the world.  How can I lose now?  Don't feel bad if you were not mentioned by name please.  There are several very special people to me that I just depend on you being there when I am at my lowest and you are.  Thank you. 

     I cannot see into the future, and I know not where 2014 will lead me or what surprises it holds but I will greet each day as a new day of my life and I will thank God for it.  I love you all and spread the word; The Rendering is back and picking up steam again!  Share this with anybody you can and maybe we can change a life or two.  God bless you all!  To be continued... 

Part 21 - A Work In Progress

     Hello and please allow me to welcome you all to Part 21 - A Work In Progress.  This is my post turkey day episode.  I hope you all had a safe and wonderful holiday.  I can honestly say that I enjoyed myself far more than I was anticipating.  I was able to spend some much treasured time with my family and laugh and make memories.  There was some great food and even better company.  

     So that begs the question, "was I good?"  As I have stated from the very beginning, I will be upfront and honest in all matters that pertain to what I am doing here, so my answer is emphatically...nope.  I wasn't horribly out of control but I did enjoy some of the delicious turkey day treats and I did have some pie.  Now that we are past Thanksgiving it is time to get back to work.  So I ask you all, how did you do?

      So, does this fella remind you of your Thanksgiving or the day after?

     Perhaps this was more of how you felt after you saw just how much you enjoyed that stuffing?

     Please, if you take anything from these posts that I write take this, don't feel guilty for enjoying an occasional indulgence.  We are all works in progress and there is always a tomorrow.  Here, however, is the key word, "occasional".  It is our job to make sure that when tomorrow comes we get focused and back on track.
     I want to share a small story with you that I have been able to see a bit of myself in.  I have just recently been given the opportunity to learn about using a wood lathe to turn some decorative pieces.  As I learned the process of how this all works and I watched as the wood took on a life of it's own I saw a parallel to my journey with my weight loss.

       This is a picture of the raw wood that I started with.  Very much like myself, it is rough and gnarled.  It has a tough bark and several knots.  Overall, not too appealing, but as I learned, with some hard work and love the beauty that is concealed can be coaxed out.

     As I put the tools to the rough exterior, the wet and dirty bark began to chip, what's that, away.  Sure, it was a bit messy and things flew around and debris got everywhere but I can remember starting this journey.  Things most certainly were messy when I began.  Not just the physical issues but mentally I had to be broken apart to start the process.

     Once I was past the bark I found myself faced with the very hard knots in the wood.  As the wood would spin and I put the chisel to the knot, there were times that the machine would buck and bounce and fight me.  I too, found that as I progressed and lost more weight that I had my own "knots" if you will.  I found myself resisting the changes even though I knew it was for the best.  My brother-in-law Mat, who taught me how to work the wood and is truly a blessing in my life, taught me to be persistent and work through the knots to make the wood truly round.  I was also persistent when I hit the "knots" in my weight loss journey.  I used the support, love, and encouragement to stay the course and round out my own areas of resistance.  

     Now that the wood was rounded I was able to start coaxing out the piece that lived within the wood.  I would slowly cut and chisel and sand.  Bit by bit, I worked this once rough, ugly stick into something that was appealing.  Over the past few months I have done the same to myself.  I have worked the Weight Watcher program and I used the tools given to me to "render" out a physically more appealing and healthier me.

     At the current time, this is what that rough piece of wood looks like now.   Just like this piece is still a work in progress, so am I.  With some more hard work, determination, and love, this humble piece of wood will become a piece of art that will accentuate the beauty of the wood.  I too will reach my goal with some more hard work, determination, and love, and I will be a much healthier, and to me, a more beautiful person.  We are all works in progress and we have the tools to shave away that which we find undesirable.  We must find the determination with in us and the love and support from each other.  God has made me a beautiful person and with God I will succeed.  
     I think that I have found a place to wrap this week's post up.  My back is really bothering me at the moment and this darn computer chair isn't helping much.  I will post this week's numbers but as with each week, my weigh-in is done on Wednesday so I don't have any Thanksgiving consequences yet.  Here is the number...

     There it is folks!  I have lost 2 more pounds this week.  That means I have lost a total of 117 lbs.  Three more pounds and I will start gaining ground again.  As always, thank you all for your support and I ask that you share this on all of your pages so we can let everybody that is in need know that they too are indeed works in progress.  We ARE changing lives and changing the world!  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  To be continued... 

 

Part 20 - A Season Of Thankfulness

     Hello and welcome all to Part 20 of The Rendering!  I am actually a bit behind in writing this week's post for a number of reasons but no worries, the keys on my keyboard are just a tapping!  Yes, Veronica, there will be a blog this week...lol.
     I feel like I have so much to say this week but I am having trouble deciding just what to focus on.  I want to veer away a bit from focusing on the numbers and the techniques or methods I am using and talk a little about the Thanksgiving season.  I will still be posting my numbers and chatting a bit about that but I am going to share with you all some of the blessings in my life that I have to be thankful for.  
     Every now and again I try to step away from myself and evaluate the person I am, compared to the person that I want to be.  I have recently done this and was saddened by how much actual negativity I was focusing on and, for lack of a better term, spewing out.  I will take that as a lesson and try to focus on the positive because I must accept that I cannot prosper in negativity.  I pushed aside the negative thoughts and I was amazed and humbled by all of the blessings that I do have.  

     Above all else, I must thank God for so many things in my life.  For calling me back to His church and for all of the good and bad things that happen to me.  I say the good AND the bad because I know that God has a plan for my life and that includes the good and the bad.  

     I am thankful this year for my family and for the time that God allowed me to have with my Mom.  We have been through such a hard time this year.  We have lost family members, some that God called home and others that have moved away to follow other paths in life.  Through all of this we have stuck together and supported each other.  I am not sure where I would be in this world without my family and all of their support, but I know I am far better off for having them.  I am thankful for my friends both old and new.  This year has strengthened the bonds that were already there but I have also seen healing in bonds that I once thought were broken forever.  I am thankful for all of the support and kindnesses shown to me by those who read this blog.  I am thankful for my Weight Watchers group for being an anchor and motivation for my journey to better health.

     I could honestly go on and list name after name and blessing after blessing but I want to focus on one blessing that is very, very dear to my heart.

     Those that may know me may be shocked that I would say that my big sister is one of my greatest blessings.  ANYBODY, that has known us growing up might even be shocked that I would say I liked her even a little bit...lol.  If you have a sister or brother then you can better understand how odd, or even love hate, a sibling relationship can be.  

     The words above could not be truer.  I could tell all sorts of stories from my youth and I am sure that my sister would claim that they are just that, stories.  We did indeed battle several times growing up.  It is odd and a bit troubling that I sit here chuckling as I type thinking about the bumps and bruises that we have caused each other. Rocks to heads, knives to throats, foul words, smacks, and perhaps, there is a rumor, that there were even some Barbie doll heads that may have been shaved and removed from the bodies and hidden in the wood pile, but that is just a RUMOR!  Odd and twisted as our relationship is and as lucky as I am that I survived to adulthood, I would not change one second of it.  My sister is one of my heroes and I can truthfully say I would not be here without her.  When I was two years old or so I fell head long into a bathtub full of water.  It just so happened that my sister had been using the tub at the time.  I don't remember any of this but as the story goes my sister grabbed me by the hair and held my head above water until my parents could help.  Now, even though I have a creeping suspicion, a Quanspiracy if you will, that she pushed me, just my opinion, she did indeed save my life.

     That says it all!  She is stuck with me and I could be no prouder to say I am stuck with her.  I love her so much and I am thankful everyday for her even if we don't like each other very much at times.  Besides, who else can I act like an unruly child in public places with.  I will always cherish the kind of smiles and memories that a couple of cherries and a lemon wedge can conjure.

     As much as I hate my picture taken, I am glad I have this one with my sister Becky.  Ain't we cute?!?!

     Now, enough with the blubbering and on to the numbers.  That is why we are all here right?  Here we go...

      As you can see I am down another 5 lbs. this week.  I have brought my total weight lost back down to 115 lbs. just 5 lbs. short to break even again.  Once I do that it's all profit baby!!  I would like to thank my friend Lori for buying me some exercise bands.  I have given them a whirl and I LOVE them.  Who would have thought that some simple rubber resistance bands could be such a good workout.  Well, I guess that would obviously have been the person selling them but now I know too!  I am starting a whole routine based around them and I will be posting some pics in the coming weeks.  I am also trying to get some various weights and bags to work out with.  I am excited to keep moving forward.  

     As I close this week out, I would challenge you all to step outside of your normal selves and just observe the blessings you may be over looking.  

     Just as it says folks.  What are you thankful for?  As we approach the day of turkey and delights, remember that this is a season of thankfulness.  Let us count our blessings and be thankful.  I look forward to hearing at least one thing each of you can be thankful for.  As a final word I will say this, remember, Thanksgiving is a time that we will all gather and enjoy a great meal and fellowship with our loved ones.  If you choose to eat freely then do so gladly keeping in mind that Thanksgiving is just one day and then get right back on track the next day.  Don't punish yourself for enjoying the day just be mindful to not fall off track all together.  As always, thank you so much for reading and supporting me and for continuing to inspire me to win this fight.  I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday.  Enjoy the time you have with you loved ones.  Laugh until you cry then laugh some more because those are the memories that will never leave you.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone and may God bless you all!  To be continued...

Part 19 - Predator or Prey???

WARNING! - The following post of "The Rendering" contains what may be considered "controversial" opinions.  These are the opinions of the author, me, and I would strongly urge all readers to come to their own opinions.  If you find my opinions offensive, feel free not to read, but as this is my journey, these are my opinions and experiences.  Thank you.  -MGMT-

     Thank you all for returning to "The Rendering"!  This is Part 19 - Predator or Prey???  Earlier this week I posted a simple question on my Facebook.  I asked, "Are you predator or prey?"  I intentionally did not elaborate on that statement anymore than that because I wanted to see how people would answer.  Of the answers I received, they certainly were varied.  I even had one person answer, "I hate weather", which I am still trying to make sense of.  Anyhow, I asked this question of myself as well in regards to my life and how I handled all situations.  Here is how I answered.  I have indeed, been both predator and prey.  I have seen both sides of this eternal struggle and I have learned their merits.  A predator, to me, is strong, cunning, driven, and effective but would not be any of these things without its prey.  To be prey, to me, gives me a sense of innocence, craftiness, and necessity, qualities accentuated by the existence of predators.  I find this circle of life very symbolic of my own life.  I see these qualities in myself and how I chose to handle several situations.  I also have found that by experiencing moments as prey that I have been able to find a sense of respect and honor for those that are more often on the prey side of the spectrum.  So why do I bring this all up in this week's post?  I want to give you all some sort of idea of how I approach this process of weight loss.  I am battling everyday with all of the different aspects of this journey.  Urges and actions, successes and failures, do I attack an opportunity or run and hide to await a better chance?  These are all pieces of what I go through each and every day.

     With all of the above being said, this post ends the 2-week sugar-free challenge that I embarked upon and also challenged you my readers to.  As I said last week, I was doing fairly well avoiding sugary treats and added refined sugar to my foods.  This week was a bit different however.  I have to be honest and I will say that I did have a few sugary treats.  I had some moments of weakness and found myself being "prey" to my urges.  I found however, that after I indulged in these devil-be-damned treats that I felt like garbage.  I got that quick rush and immediate sense of satisfaction but it faded to not only a physically lethargic feeling but also depression and even fuzzy thinking.  I will use these moments to learn from though.  I know what is making me feel good and healthy and what is bringing me down so I now know what to avoid even more so.  

     Over the past two weeks I heard from many of my readers that were going to give the sugar-free challenge a whirl themselves.  After a few days there was a few common conclusions.  First, this challenge was MUCH HARDER than it sounded.  Sugar can be a relentless taskmaster.  Second, we were all more than a little surprised to see just how much sugar was in our foods.  Not just the treats, drinks, and desserts we were eating but just in the normal foods.  Remember, a quick conversion is 4 grams of sugar equals 1 teaspoon of sugar.  Shink about this if you still are a bit doubtful, please, I encourage you to get yourself a Chobani fat-free Greek yogurt container.  Once you have this empty cup, go ahead a put 5 teaspoons of sugar into it.  Sure, these are fat-free yogurts and yes they do have several nutritional benefits but they also have 5 teaspoons of sugar!  For me, due to the fact that I am not nearly as active as I should be, that sugar, more than likely, will convert to fat...NOT GOOD!  

     Tossing this sugar-free challenge out there has spawned some very interesting side questions from some of you.  I have decided to do some further research into a couple of these for a future post.  I am going to be researching the effects of artificial sweeteners versus natural sweeteners like honey and stevia both nutritionally and health wise.  I am also going to venture into wheat gluten pros and cons.  If any readers would like to offer their opinions or knowledge on those subjects please email me at Pedropwr3@aol.com with the subject "POST INFO" so I know what it is for.  I would also welcome any other questions you may have.

      In last week's post I told you all that big things were coming this weekend and indeed they have, big things in my opinion that is.  For those of you that were wondering about the WARNING at the beginning of this week's post, here is why.  Remember, I am sharing my life and experiences and I do not expect for all of you that read this to believe everything I do nor do I feel that you have to in order so that you find success in your own journeys.  That being said, you all know that I am making several changes in my life.  I am changing my relationship with food and lifestyle but I am also working on changing other relationships.  I am working on repairing several relationships with those that I have wronged or just drifted away from in the past.  There is a major relationship in my life that was once very strong and for one reason or another we drifted apart.  Last week I sought out guidance from a very wise friend on how to begin not only repairing my relationship but making it stronger than ever.  The relationship that I speak of is my relationship with God and His church.  I am a Christian and I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior long ago but I allowed myself to drift far from the church due to the actions of others.  Today, I can happily say that I returned to church for the first time in many, many years.  I realized that I needed to be able to have a fruitful relationship with God and His church.  I have always known God but it was as if my fire had dimmed to mere embers.  I can honestly say that today felt as if I came home.  I could feel the spark again, the desire to learn from and praise the Lord again.  I always knew of God's love for me but I had to accept that even though I was finding success in this journey, I could not do it alone.  I needed God to truly succeed.
     As I have said before, I will not say to those that may believe differently that you "must" believe as I do, but I will say that I "MUST" believe as I do to succeed and I hope to show the those that know me how my life is affected by my beliefs.  I still have far to go but I know that I do not walk alone and I know that I have not taken one step alone.  I can also modify my answer to the question "Are you predator or prey?" by letting you all know that I am a "PREYDATOR that prays".
     Now comes the time to throw out this week's numbers so without hesitation I give you all...

   BOOM!!!

     There we go!  Five hundred Sixty-four pounds!  A total loss for this week of 6 lbs. (yes I made an error in math J&D) but 6 lbs. is just as good.  My total weight lost at this point is 110 lbs and dropping!  A good friend said to me this weekend that I was in the perfect catch-22.  As I lose weight I start feeling better, battle less medical issues, and move more but I find that by moving more I start feeling worse and end up battling more medical issues.  This is a vicious circle but not an endless one.  I asked him what he would suggest I do to remedy this issue and his reply was, not an exact quote, but he basically said just shut up and do it.  Man-up if you will allow me to use such a term.  As much as it pains me to say this, and oh boy it hurts, YOU SIR ARE CORRECT!!  I said it ok.  Now I must do it.  I must fight to force myself to be more active.  I must move more, exercise more, and be as dedicated to being more physical as I am to the rest of my journey.  I will no longer be "happy" with 1 or 2 lbs lost.  I will push for more but do so safely and responsibly.  I would love to take any input for exercises, stretches or activities that may help me.  I am also open to anybody that may want to "donate" any old and dusty exercise equipment you may have to my cause.  It will get put to good use and I am going to start posting pictures so you all can see as well.  

     I think that I have covered enough for this week.  As usual, I would like to thank each and every person that reads this blog and lends me his or her support.  I love reading your comments and encouragement.  It means the world to me.  I ask that you share this blog as much as you can.  Perhaps there is someone that just needs to know there is support out there.  We ARE changing lives and changing the world!  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  To be continued... 

 WAKE UP A PREYDATOR!

Part 18 - Short and Sweet!

     There it is folks!  I have dropped two more pounds this week.  I am now down to 104 lbs. lost overall.  I am going to keep this week's post very short and sweet.  I don't have a lot to say but I am planning for some big things in next week's post.  Here is what I do have for you all...

     I HAVE HAD AN AWESOME WEEK!!  I have made it through one whole week of my sugar free challenge.  In the very beginning I felt bad physically but that was my body making some adjustments.  Now that I am through what I am calling my "detox" phase I am definitely seeing some improvements.  This week I have done so many things and even made it through a whole workweek without missing any time.  For those of you who are doing this with me, please, let me know what you are experiencing.  

     As I said I am keeping it short this week and I am sorry for that but here is why.  As I proceed in my journey to lose weight and I am finding that, as I have said before, I have more energy and get up to do things.  I am now finding that, by cutting my sugar intake, the energy I do have is of a much better quality.  Not the "flash-in-the-pan" quick energy that sugar gives you but a much more sustained energy.  I have to say I love it!  Here is the rub; I have gone from trying to run an 18-wheeler on a 9-volt battery to trying to run it with a mini-van battery.  I get much better mileage but I still have my limits.  I have just had the honor of spending the past 24 hours or so with some very dear friends and their kids, my Godchildren.  Please take notice of this picture...

     These are my Godchildren Cayden and Kayleigh.  I love them with all of my heart and the time I get to spend with them I cherish.  I have realized however, that children are nature's nuclear power plants and I just can't keep up.  After spending some much needed fun time with them, I AM EXHAUSTED!  I don't know how their parents keep up with them but I have a need for a nice cozy bed and blanket right now so this is all I am writing.  

     Big things are coming next weekend and I am excited to share these with you all.  For now however, as always, please share this on your pages and thank you for all of your support.  I keep plowing forward and I am going to win!  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  To be continued...

 

Part 17 - The Sweet Seduction Of Sugar

     Hello and welcome to Part 17 of The Rendering also known as "The Sweet Seduction Of Sugar".  It is a fact that every addict has his or her own personal "drug" of choice.  Being addicted to food, from my experience, is not an exception to this rule.  I like most foods to some extent but I must say that sugar is most definitely my "drug" of choice.

     I love my sweets in all forms.  Cakes, cookies, pies.... I guess, perhaps, that might have not been such a good choice.  As we all know, Halloween just passed by us and overall I didn't do so bad.  I will own the fact that I did indeed enjoy a few pieces of candy and a couple of doughnuts.  That being said, I did far better than I normally do.  As I have said since the beginning of this journey, the point is to not "ban" foods but to change my relationship with foods.  Even sugar, while certainly not a great choice, is not evil.  Take a look at this little picture...

     Does this look threatening?  Not really, in fact it is somewhat pretty with all the colors and whatnot.  Do not however, allow my words or the pretty colors to lure you into a false sense of security.  Sugar needs to be respected and used with caution.

     Refined sugar is found in far more items than just desserts.  I did some research and found a surprising number of places that were hiding sugar.  Cake mixes, ice cream, jelly, cookies, and soda are all obvious sources for sugar but what about these sugar land mines, bottled pasta sauce, barbecue sauce, and even bottled tea.  Not convinced?  Applesauce, canned or packaged fruit, juices (all natural too) and even some "healthy" foods like Skinny Cow are high in sugar.  Cereal bars, warm and cold cereals, and even yogurt can be tiny little saboteurs.  Take a look for yourself when you are out grocery shopping or even just looking around you cupboards and pantries.  Find the nutrition label on whatever random food you choose and find how many grams of sugar there are per serving.  Now, for those that do not know, 1 teaspoon of granulated sugar equals 4 grams of sugar.  Now do a little math and figure out just how many teaspoons of sugar you consume in a day.  I can't speak for anyone else, but I have my suspicions that you would be as shocked as I was.  

     So what are some of the dangers of "abusing" sugar?  Yes, I did indeed say "abusing" sugar.  I used that word because that is exactly what I have been doing.  Here are just a few of the problems that "abusing" sugar can lead to...

      I found myself going down this list while doing my research and I just kept saying "yep, got that" and quite frankly it was scary.  So now that I have thrown out some facts I am left with the question "How do I intend to help myself?"

     I have been fairly successful so far with beating this addiction but it is still there.  Still there gnawing at the back of my brain and I know that I am, at times, one treat away from becoming the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of sweets.  I try to keep the monster at bay with logic.  I remember those lists of health issues sugar can cause when consumed with reckless abandon.  My friend, Edgar Mellencamp, likes to remind me constantly that sugar is also horrible for your teeth so that helps to deter me as well.  

     If you are a fan of my blog, then you know I like to use visual aids because it helps me express my point.  So I will go this direction.  Perhaps, this will help you remember the potential danger that too much sugar possesses.  Mother Nature is a brilliant force.  She has a way of showing us dangerous critters and plants.  Here are a few examples...

       Monkshood, a vibrant purple bloom that is a warning of just how poisonous it can be.

 Or the brilliant Clown Frog.... DANGER!

 

 The electric blue rings of Australia's Blue Ringed Octopus flash a warning to not mess with this little fellow.

 

Red on yellow kills a fellow is all you need to know about the Coral Snake.

 

Finally, this multicolored Poison Arrow Frog screams HANDS OFF!

     

     As anybody can see and as I said before, Mother Nature knows how to warn us of danger.  If she can do it so can I...

 As you can see, sugar can be beautiful as well.  Yes indeed those stunning pieces are made from, you guessed it, SUGAR!  So with that, I will keep in mind the danger that sugar can hold if not used with care.

       Each person has a different metabolism.  Some are fast and some are slow.  Mine, however, would stand a real good chance of losing a race with a glacier.  So, keeping that in mind, I am going to challenge myself.  I will offer this challenge to you as well.  I am going to attempt to go "sugar free" for the next two weeks starting Monday morning.  I mean, absolutely no added sugar or sugary treats.  Again, allow me to stress that I am not saying that you or I "must" give up sugar but I am going to do this as an experiment.  I want to see just how much better, or worse for that matter, that I will feel by reducing almost all added refined sugar.  I want to see how it affects my weight, mood, blood pressure, depression, energy, and overall health.  I normally like to take one day a week for my "dessert" day but I am only going to have sugar free desserts.  I will report on my progress in each of the coming posts.  I am hoping that I will find positive results and not only that, but I am hoping to form a habit of little to no sugar to use towards my benefit.  Try it with me if you want.  I would love to hear your results and thoughts.  I am going to have to also address my use of artificial sugar substitutes.  I understand that there are several conflicting opinions on which ones are bad for you and which ones are, because I can't say good, "less bad" for you.  I would love to hear the thoughts of my readers and perhaps some suggestions as to what products you might know of that are more healthful.  I know that a lot of people have suggested stevia and I have tried it and I actually like it.  I am not sure, but just in passing over some research I think I saw that it depends on what form the stevia is in.  If anybody knows anything about that please feel free to fill me in.

      Now on with the show!!  As we all know, we are here for the numbers so I shan't gild the lily any longer.  I give you.... duh duh duh!!!!!

9 MORE POUNDS GONE!

     More importantly, the new total weight lost is 102 lbs.  I am bouncing back from the weight gain and I am doing it strong!  I owe my success and motivation to my family, friends, and all of you that follow me and lend me your support.  I say it each week but I can't say it enough...thank you all.  I am blessed and honored each week to be able to share such an amazing journey with you all.  I think that I will call this one for now.  On a technical note, I am asking for some feedback on comments on the actual blog posting.  I am getting word that people cannot leave comments on the actual posts when using their "smart" devices.  If this is indeed the case and you have any idea why that is or how to remedy this issue please feel free to email me at Pedropwr3@aol.com.  Thank you all again and remember, the sugar free challenge is on!  As always, please share this post on your pages because you never know who might need a bit of encouragement in their struggle.  We are touching lives out there.  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  To be continued...

Part 16 - When There Is Darkness There Must Also Be Light!!!

     Hello and welcome to Part 16 of The Rendering!  I am going to go about this week's post a little different.  I titled this post "When There Is Darkness There Must Also Be Light!!!" because I have spoken about some of the bad things that happened in my past that I feel I have been a direct influence on my weight issues but I also want to tell you about some of my favorite memories as well.

     As we approach the upcoming holidays I find myself reflecting more this year than ever before.  This will be my first holiday season that we will spend without my mother.  I am reminded of years gone by and just how great that my family has made those memories for me.

     Halloween has always been one of my favorite times of year.  If you know me, or anything about my family, you know that my parents and sisters and I have always made the holidays special.  Our house is always decorated with lights and characters and all sorts of accoutrements.  As usual, we have decorated this year, not to the usual full extent, but we still have some things out.  

      This little haunted tree is just a small example of the myriad of decorations we use around this time of year.  This one is special to us because my mom actually made it.

     I can remember getting all dressed up in some costume, always handmade never store-bought.  Being a "fat kid", I always had to be creative with my costumes.  I can remember many times being upset because I couldn't make a costume work with my size but my father would always sit down with me and make something work.  He made sure we had fun.  We would gather up with our oldest sister and head out for some fine trick-or-treats.

      As a kid, especially a fat one, what could be more fun than going out for some delicious trick-or-treat candy?  I will be the first to admit that perhaps, enjoying candy and treats could have lead to a lifetime battle with obesity but this is one thing I would not trade in because the good memories are priceless to me.  We would walk the neighborhood for what seemed like hours and then head home.  The night wouldn't be over there though.  Next came time to inspect the trick-or-treat booty!

      This is generally what the haul looked like but there were still some goodies yet to come!  My parents were a bit unconventional when it came to what we gave out on Halloween.  As times would change and things became a bit more difficult with trusting Halloween goodies we would also change but in the beginning we were known as the doughnut house.  

      Now, I don't mean some store-bought processed doughnut.  My mom would make some of the greatest homemade doughnuts I have ever tasted.  I can easily see why this was, for sure, a contributing factor to my weight issues but I also remember them fondly.  I remember the smell of the entire house on doughnut making day.  You knew Halloween was right around the corner!

     There were years where my parents and older sister would go out of their way to convert our basement into a "haunted house" for our friends and us.  There would be all sorts of "scares" then some games and what not.  As the years passed and we moved on from trick-or-treating my sister and I would have our own Halloween traditions.  I would spend time making the doughnuts with my mom and then she and I would count trick-or-treaters as my dad and older sister would hand out candy.  

     Now that I am older and going down this journey to lose weight, I look back on these memories and realize that, even though I recall so many dark times growing up, there were several rays of light.  Sure, some of the good memories include candy and doughnuts but to me it is so much more.  They include family and times of laughter and fun.  I can take these memories and find a lesson to make wiser decisions about the food I now consume as well.  I know this Halloween will be a bit tough to stay positive but I have to look at it this way, I know my mom will be with us in spirit and I will still have the rest of my family to keep making good memories with.  Mom would be so upset if I turned my back and didn't celebrate the holidays and it sometimes takes a special person to remind me of that.  Thanks.  I also have a very special responsibility to my Godchildren.  They come to my house trick-or-treating and I want them to have their own good memories.  My mom so loved seeing them and their parents when they came.  It is hard for me to type this but I want the world to know just how special my mom was.  She loved my best friend and his wife as if they were her own kids and she loved their kids as well.  I hope they all have some of the same good memories that I do when times seem dark.

     My Godchildren are a huge reason why I am fighting this battle.  I cannot express how much of an honor it was when I was asked to be their Godfather.  I love them so much and I don't want to just be a "memory" for them.  I want to be around to make good memories with them.  I have so many that I want to be here to make memories with and I am committed to doing all I can to be around as long as I can.  So, with that being said, I guess we should address the reason you all follow, THE NUMBERS!  

 BOOM!!! DON'T CALL IT A COME BACK...

     Wait...no, it is not time to bust out an old LL Cool J song but it is an improvement.  I have managed to drop 7 lbs of the dreaded 35 lbs. that I put on with my "little" set back last week.  I have seen the doctor and we are addressing the water retention issue more aggressively than before and I am optimistic that this will help.  The grand total has returned to 93 lbs. lost!  I know some that will say that you don't subtract from a total lost if you gain some back but that is what I do.  I use my stumbles to motivate me.  If life knocks me back an inch I am determined to take back a mile!

      For those that live in a nutshell...this is Yoda, a Jedi master.  Why the heck would I include a picture of Yoda in this week's post you might ask?  Well, even though Yoda, in reality, is just a small puppet enhanced by computer graphics and great voice actors and puppeteers, he has wisdom.  I have recently come to the realization that, perhaps, there was some miscommunication about my intentions regarding my battle with weight loss.  I turn to Yoda to clarify...

"Do... or do not.  There is no try."

-Yoda-

      I think that says it all.  I am "doing" and I refuse to "do not".  I will succeed because I will not "try".  I found something that made me laugh and it embodies some words a friend spoke to me.  He spoke of turning idle anger from setbacks and failure into a rage, a rage that could be used to turn the tides during those times.  Now, I know a thing or two about rage in my life and using it to my advantage.  So I will use this to motivate me and make me chuckle a bit.  

      Yes indeed my friends, that is YODA HULK!!!  It sure as hell isn't Hoagie Boy, like I sometimes get confused for, but it is what I envision my determination to look like now.  I can do anything when I am angry enough!

     I will leave you all with that image this week.  Perhaps you too can find a Yoda Hulk within yourselves when you face setbacks.  Use your rage to turn the tides.  As usual, I would like to thank all of you for your support and I would like to especially thank those of you that don't hold back sometimes when I need a verbal smack in the face with a shovel.  I get it now.  I want to wish all of you a safe and happy Halloween season.  I would ask you all to keep in mind that you can make good memories with your loved ones even if there is a treat or two.  It is up to you to choose what you eat.  As always, please share this post on your pages because you never know who might need a bit of encouragement in their struggle.  We are touching lives out there.  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  To be continued...

Part 15 - Everbody Has A Plan...And I Didn't Duck!!!

"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face."

-Mike Tyson-

     As far as I am concerned, in reference to this journey you have all been following me on, these words could not be truer.

     Allow me to first welcome you all to Part 15 of The Rendering.  I started this blog fifteen weeks ago with a simple purpose.  I wanted to share my day-to-day journey battling weight loss.  I was in hopes that perhaps my story would be able to inspire others with hope and positivity.  I wanted to say to them, "you too can be successful!"  More so, I truly was hoping to create a circle of support for my own journey.  The stories of others' successes with their own personal journeys was an inspiration for me.  Somebody saying to me, "you got this!"  For the most part, I have not been disappointed.  The outpouring of friendship, love, compassion, and support I have received has warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes.  I was not alone.  I knew there would be weeks of success and weeks where I would stumble.  I HAD A PLAN!  Sadly, Iron Mike Tyson said it best.  I had a plan right up to the point that life punched me squarely in the face.  I guess the next question is...what am I going to do?  

     As you all may have already surmised, this week was one of those weeks where I have stumbled.  Hell, stumble isn't even the right word for it.  I just have to show you...

      This picture shows EXACTLY how I have stumbled this week.  Some of you will recognize this right away, but for those of you that do not, this is known as "GETTING SCORPIONED!"  You plant your face so badly that your feet meet the back of your head and you vaguely resemble, you guessed it, a scorpion.

     Don't take my word for it.  Here are the numbers...

 

     No folks, I did not make a mistake and put up the wrong picture.  Boy howdy, do I wish that I had done just that.  However, the numbers are what the numbers are.  I have GAINED 35 LBS!  With that being said, I now must recalculate my total lost weight and that would now be, 88 lbs. in total weight lost.  Now, 88 lbs. lost is still a terrific achievement but it isn't the 121 lbs. that I was once at.  

     I would first like to issue an apology to all of you who have supported me and stood by me throughout this journey.  I have come up short this week and I have let you all down.  I will not make excuses, nor will I not take personal responsibility for this but I will state some facts that might explain how I was able to gain so much weight in one week.  Let's start with the mistakes that I have made.  This past week I did not track my food as religiously as I should have.  I allowed myself to grow complacent even though I have written about avoiding that very pitfall.  I thought that I could manage my points in my head.  I was wrong.  Also, I ran afoul of another trap...

      I allowed myself too much leeway when it came to sugary desserts and treats.  I understand that I have told you all that the Weight Watchers program that I am doing does not mean you have to "give up" desserts and treats, however for me, I have to eliminate what I am calling "trigger" foods.  I lost sight of that last fact.  I was allowing myself to have a decadent dessert here or a sweet treat there.  Along with the fact that I wasn't tracking my points properly, there could be only one result.  I began gaining some of the lost weight back.  I knew that I would have to face the music soon but that is where that little sickness that lurks in the back of my mind comes roaring up to the forefront.  I was enjoying the delicious food and damn the consequences!  I had shrugged off the obvious knowledge that every bite I took was pushing me one bite closer to an early death. 

     Now that I have covered the part of this equation that I was directly responsible for, I will tell you of the medical issues that, I believe, are partially responsible for my weight gain.  When I began writing this blog I briefly covered some of the medical issues caused by my super-morbid obesity.  Back in the year 2000, I was involved in an automobile accident which, resulted in a fairly serious injury to my abdomen.  The seat belt that I was wearing tore a section of my abdomen open internally causing a large hematoma or a large blood blister of sorts.  A few weeks after the accident, the hematoma became abscessed and I had to undergo surgery to save my life.  Over the next few months I had to remain basically bed ridden and under the care of a home visiting nurse to ensure that the damaged abdomen healed properly.  When all was said and done the surgeon had removed between 1 and 2 liters of infected blood and tissue from my damaged abdomen.  I am sorry for speaking of such a disgusting situation but I want you all to know exactly how my obesity has affected me physically.  I did say from the very start of this blog that I would be 100% open and honest.  Once I was fully healed, I, as you might expect, had a large amount of internal scar tissue.  Thus, then, I come to how medically; I can answer for some of the weight gain.  Due to my super-morbid obesity, I have a large amount of strain pulling down from where my "belly" hangs.  This strain causes the previously mentioned scar tissue to stress and tear a bit resulting in a case of cellulitis.  For those that do not know, cellulitis is a soft tissue infection and it just plain SUCKS!  With out getting to in depth, here is a quick description of the symptoms.  At first, the infected area will be warm, red, swollen, and tender. As the infection spreads, you may have a fever, chills, and swollen glands.  Once this infection gets rolling, it really can knock a person off their feet quite quickly.  I tell you all of this so you have the background information of what I have been dealing with ALL of last week.  I have been battling reoccurring cellulitis infections since late 2000 and according to several doctors; as long as I am this obese I will continue to deal with it.  As a result of my recent weight loss, I have notice that I was not having as many issues with the infection returning.  That was until I started putting weight back on.  This past Sunday evening, the infection returned and returned with a vengeance.  As a result of the infection, I experience edema or an abnormal accumulation of fluid in my abdomen and legs.  It is this fluid that I attribute to some of the weight gain.  I also, as I stated in an earlier post, have symptoms of mild congestive heart failure, which also causes fluid retention, especially during the periods that I have this infection.

     I know that I have thrown out a lot of information right there but I wanted you all to have the facts.  In short, my complacency in regards to working the program opened the door for a myriad of weight gaining opportunities. 

     In the end, it is not the fall that is of any importance but rather, will I be able to get up and dust myself off, take my lumps, and get back on track?  There was never any question in my mind as to what that answer is.  YES, YES, YES!!!  I have come too far to be taken out so easily.  I owe it, not only to myself, but also to each and every one of you that has believed in me.  I owe it to my father, my sisters, my brothers, my nieces and nephews, and to all of my other friends and family.  I owe it to my mother, to honor her and to prove to her that she was right to say that she believed in me.  So, HELL NO!  I will not lie down and die.  I will take life's best punch and I will get back up!  There are two quotes from one of my favorite movie franchises, Rocky, that sums it up for me...

     "Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!" -Rocky Balboa-

     "I didn't hear no bell..." -Rocky Balboa-

     I know there are some that will read this and find these quotes a bit cheesy, but they actually speak to me and inspire me to keep getting up.  I will end this week's post by once again saying that I apologize for letting you all down but I will keep getting up and moving forward.  I have also noticed that the views and the comments over the last few weeks have declined so I would ask for your opinions.  Is this blog losing its steam?  What can I include that might help somebody out there that may be struggling?  I am always open to listening to the opinion of others.  As always, I thank you all for your support.  Please share this post on your pages because you never know who might need a bit of encouragement in their struggle.  We are touching lives out there.  Much love and God bless you all.  VIVE LA FAT REVOLUTION!!!  To be continued...